The holidays are around the corner. On the 26th three years ago my mom slipped into a coma. I rushed to the hospital with her DNR only to be told I was tying the doctor hands. I would a murderer golddigging bitch. I stood by her wishes. I prayed over day and night. She woke up on new years and was told three days later they had to release her. She did qualify for hospice since she had more a year to live. On the third she was moved to a long term rehabilitation. On the 7 th i was told same about hospice. On the 8th I visited my mom. I made three promises. 1 she would die at home. 2 I would be there and not in the arms of strangers and final promise no one would pray over her. I got called shortly after midnight that she was passing. They lied to me they called me after her death. They more concerned about what funeral home to call. The last memory I have of my mom is seeing a body bag being zipped up. Lol was told that comforting. My mom was my only family, my only friend and now I have the guilt of her death and the knowledge I failed her. She died alone and scared. Anyone reading this please destroy the DNR it will bring you misery. If your love one is in the hospital find out their policy when they start to crash, will they respect family last wishes? As the holidays are closing hearing joyful Christmas music makes me realize what I did. I keep praying that my mom has forgiven and give me a sign. Nothing I feel so alone I just want the pain to end and know the meaning of a living hell.

Views: 100

Replies to This Discussion

Hi Betty:

I can relate to your experience with my mother's passing.   Mom had an uncontrollable severe intestinal bleed out that could only be fixed with emergency surgery.  There were no good options about the surgery, but I remember as the surgeon left us in the ICU, Mom said to me, "Now I'm really scared."   I told her I was as well.  I wish I could have said something more comforting or supportive as these were my last words to her.  I honestly don't remember how long the surgery was --just that when she returned to ICU, she was unconscious and very restless and uncomfortable.  To my knowledge Mom had not expressed her wishes about the DNR order. Through the early evening, I watched her helplessly, prayed, and told her it was okay for her to go.  A few hours after I left, my sister got the call telling us that she'd suffered a massive stroke--essentially leaving her brain dead.  I arrived about 4 a.m.  We were told that she likely would never recover and that the machines were keeping her alive.  My sister called our father, brother, and younger sister so that the family could make a decision together.  As I talked to my father on the phone, I was in shock unable to fully process everything.  I knew Mom would not have wanted to live hooked up to life support.  Ultimately we all agreed to let her go.  My older sister, a dear friend and I sat around her bedside watching and waiting for nature to take its course.  My agnostic older sister asked that the hospital chaplain be called in for Mom's passing.  He read the 23 Psalm, said some comforting things about her entering eternal life, allowed each of us to say something, and together we recited the Lord's Prayer.   We were given all the time we needed after her passing. 

Would the experience have been different had Mom had had a DNR order?  Probably not as Mom's time in the hospital was brief--less than 3 days.  It was an emergency.     

We did the best we could under the circumstances as did you.  Give yourself the gift of good memories of you and your mother.   Honor the wonderful woman she was and the legacy she gave to you.   Take care of yourself; it's what she would want you to do.    Praying for you.

Kris, you touched on something that needs to be understood. A DNR does not guarantee life. It may buy us some time, but who does that really benefit? I wish that my mom had said, "Do everything possible to keep me alive" but she did not. In my mom's case, all of the CPR in the world would not have her here with me.

I have also seen my mom on life support. In her case she rallied and lived a good while longer. That was an incredible blessing. She had reached a point where it could have gone either way, and certainly could have ended in her death. There comes a point when we have to accept that nothing can be done and we have to let them go. A doctor will tell you when that time has come.

I don't know if, at that point, if they can hear us or not, but I feel like it is so important to tell our loved one that we will be okay. Even if we don't believe it. They need to hear that.

Betty, my mom had a DNR and I hated it, but my mom chose that for herself. A lot has to do with a person's physical state. My mom was old and fragile. CPR could actually break ribs. Mom had had enough pain. I could have ripped it up but that would have been denying my mom of her choice. She had rights and she relied on me to defend those rights. I was her caretaker. I would not advise anyone to tear up a DNR. I would advise anyone to discuss the DNR with their loved one, if the their loved one is able to have that conversation. My mom and I did. The DNR was in plain view when she was on Hospice care. She never told me to take it away. She never looked at it with a sad expression.

As far as what people called you, or the looks or attitude they gave you, You just have to get over that. People can say what they want. What they say is nothing in comparison to the actual loss of your mom. You were defending your mom's wishes. The DNR bought me some misery, but it was never about me. It was always about my mom.

Oh Betty my heart breaks for you...  A DNR is a legal document that your mother put her signature on after she made her decision to not be kept alive by machines. How that makes you gold digging b'''' is beyond reason. Whether or not we can "let go" your mother made her decision and you respected "HER" decision. You are a good daughter! I watched by dad die and I am glad he was not at home because a) my father was more comfortable than he could have been at home and b) I don't have the memory of his last breath in the house where I live. To me that moment was terrible. He was very calm but I felt desperate inside. Truth is you have nothing to be forgiven for... you respected your mothers wishes by presenting them with her DNR.

I have a question, if you don't mind me asking, why did you not want anyone to pray over your mother? I see that you pray so I thought someone praying with or over your mom would be comforting to her and you. I am guessing that you believe in God so I will keep you in my prayers.

"Praised be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of tender mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our trials so that we may be able to comfort others in any sort of trial with the comfort that we receive from God." -- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I hope I was able to bring you some comfort that you were wonderful to your mother and she is the only one that is important.

Brenda

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

Addie commented on Cathy Richardson's group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"I had a relationship with someone for 5 years. I am married, and wasn't ready to leave my husband. So this man and I met infrequently (every month or 2) and talked a lot through text, but I felt like we had a very close bond. He finally told me…"
13 hours ago
Addie joined Cathy Richardson's group
Thumbnail

Being the Other Woman/Other Man

This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situationSee More
14 hours ago
Profile IconAddie and Donald Perry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
15 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"How do you guys have your settings?  I didn't have a problem before a couple of days ago."
yesterday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I can't see the pics still but glad you guys can.  I sent a message to ninja  to check if I have a setting wrong.  I have pics to be seen by friends set.  I have 750 pics of Her (from about aged two till days before She left…"
yesterday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Joe, Your wife, the love of your life, is BEAUTIFUL! And it does seem like it was destiny that brought the two of you together. Beautiful story of the two of you meeting for the first time. Like Linda says, we have to be grateful that God sent us…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Joe, Your wife is beautiful. We just have to so blessed for God sending us our soulmates."
yesterday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"She was sent to save me.  There was a fate of that.  Too many coincidences to be otherwise.  I was born to a terrible family relationship in one State and She was born to a good stable family relationship.  We both moved to a…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Everyone,  Thanks for the cudos. I know every one of us is trying to cope with the loss of our Beloved Spouses. I too cannot do the things we shared and that's just about everything. Our likes were the same, so the only thing I did…"
yesterday
Profile IconMary and Leane joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I am so grateful that each of you share what you are doing and how you are dealing with your loss at whatever stage in months or years.  In the past I never had to worry about looking for company for misery.  I wasn't miserable.…"
Wednesday
Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Thanks for your encouraging words."
Tuesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, What you say here about your day sounds like my miserable daily schedule: "My schedule is pretty much go to the bedroom between 1 to 4am and most often I sleep until 11 or noon.  And if I have to get up quickly I find I end up…"
Tuesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Marita,  I can relate to what you are saying: the activities that Joseph and I loved to do together are now very painful to do on my own. But it seems that you have started taking baby steps in the right direction by starting to run again.…"
Tuesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, This is awesome! How inspiring that you run marathons to honor your beloved husband and soulmate Julian at age 65! "
Tuesday
Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, That is quite an accomplishment! My husband was my running partner and we did a lot of charity runs together. My last run was 2 months after he died and dedicated the run to him. Since then I have tried running alone but it was too…"
Tuesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"WOW, that's great! "
Tuesday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi All, This is now I cope with the loss of MY BELOVED HUSBAND AND SOULMATE JULIAN. I run marathons in his honor, it keeps me going. I ran 26.2 miles in his memory at 65."
Tuesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm in a constant state of paralysis.  I seem only to be able to do things when I know I have to.  Simple things go undone.  Dust builds up on my bedroom furniture.  I look at it and say to myself, I should dust.  But…"
Tuesday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I am finding it so hard to keep motivated.  I have tons I need to do to keep afloat and try to honor the legacy of my husband and yet all I seem able to do is push myself, force myself.......constantly. Its the putting on the mask and…"
Tuesday

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service