Information

caregiver

I was a caregiver to my mom for just over 4 years. She moved in with me after finding out she had breast cancer. I went to every single Dr appointment with her, every chemo, radiation and to her head shaving. I have 3 sister's and 1 brother but they didn't do anything to help. I felt so alone during the last few months of my mother's life that it's hard not to be angry at my siblings for not helping more. I look in every room of my home and see mom everywhere. I feel lost without her here. 

Members: 11
Latest Activity: Oct 9, 2017

Discussion Forum

This group does not have any discussions yet.

Comment Wall

Comment

You need to be a member of caregiver to add comments!

Comment by Crystal K on October 9, 2017 at 9:19pm

I understand how you feel Jennifer.  I too was my mom's caregiver for the last three years.   I am grateful for the time with her and that I was able to take care of her like she did me, but I am angry that no one really helped because now her death is on me and I wasn't able to save her.   Also, I complained a lot about being her caretaker which I regret but I'm just so angry because everyone allowed me to feel this way, being overwhelmed and lashing out on my mom.  My mom died from multiple complications, she went in for a foot infection and was told that her arteries are completely blocked so she suffered a heart attack from the infection which weakened her heart even more and she later died from cardiogenic shock because her heart wasn't pumping enough blood.  I was away on a trip for 3 weeks and a week into my trip she became ill but I didn't return right away because I didn't know how severe it was. I blame myself for not taking her earlier for the cut on her foot because that became the death of her and I wonder if she would've lived longer if her foot didn't get infected (which wouldn't have happened had I taken her to the hospital sooner. She was diabetic and had a toe amputated a few years ago in same manner.

It all started from that infection. The infection I didn't immediately take her to the hospital for. The infection she had for a month while I was having a good time in new Zealand.   Her heart was already in bad shape due to dialysis but I wonder if she would still be here if I had taken her to the hospital before I left on my trip.  My mom is a second language English speaker, so I accompanied her on most of her doctor visits. I'm mad at her for not getting it checked out sooner or telling me how bad her foot got.  But I'm more mad at myself for not realizing it. For not realizing her old patterns of waiting out health problems until it gets very bad. For not listening to my instincts. Mad at her sisters for not realizing this while I was away. Mad at the doctors for not catching her heart problem sooner. Mad at the world for how this happened.  For my 25 years of life, I have been at my mom's bedside, and the day she gets ill, I'm not with her.  I thought I was pass all this anger but I guess it was just locked away for the meantime.  I want to get pass it, but there is also a small voice that says 'you deserve to live with this because of what I've done.   Life is so funny and cruel sometimes. 

I often wonder why do I deserve to feel this way. My mom was the last person close to me.  I've lost my grandmother, my close uncle, anyone that was close to my heart. Everyone points out that I should be happy I still have my sisters and my aunties, cousins, but no one will replace the hole in my heart. I miss my mom so much, it pains me to even think about being happy without her. Do I even deserve to?

Comment by BLUEBELL on September 17, 2017 at 11:27am

I am sorry for your recent the recent loss of your Mom. The grief can be so overwhelming right now. This is a good place to come and share because we all understand what you are going through.

I was my Mom's caregiver too. She was on Hospice only 2 days before she died of heart disease. I am glad I was able to care for her in her own home the past 3 years. Many adult children do not have that option and have to place their parent in a nursing home or some other assisted living facility. But because I had this close caregiver relationship with her, I think it hurt  even more when I lost her. I still struggle with thinking if I had just did something different, she would still be alive today. 

Bluebell

Comment by Luisa Salter on September 16, 2017 at 6:00pm

Hi everyone, this is my first posting too. I oversaw care for my Mom for the last 16 months of her life. She died August 30th 2017 of lung disease, at 68 years old. She was able to be in her home. I did some of her care, but for the last few months we mostly relied on hired caregivers. The last week of her life I did stay with her and care for her a lot of the time. Like Jennifer, I was told by many people what a good job I was doing, but I also struggle with regret about what I did not do. The truth is, I would feel so grief stricken just being there with my Mom and seeing how she could no longer move, or do any of the things that she loved to do, that I couldn't think clearly a lot of the time. We had Hospice and she was medicated heavily for her discomfort. She died August 30th of lung disease, she was 68 years old. The sense of loss that I feel is overwhelming a lot of the time, like now, on a Saturday afternoon when I would have been at her apartment with her. I don't have a lot of other family and I just want to talk to my Mom and have her tell me that everything will be alright. This is the first major life change that I have to navigate without her.

Comment by dream moon JO B on August 9, 2017 at 6:11pm

i feal bad coz moms had 2 go in 2  a nrsin hom pls dnt hav a go it me i no idesvye t bt im exspectin a ot mr pele layin in 2 mewhy dnt i takbetr car ofher wish i cud dnt relz well did bt not well my slf

her dem/azl not g

its ud shes soil er slf wet her slf wish is not her i ni i cud of dun mor 

its lk iv loss her bf shes gon im so bad i feal iv bean beatny slf up in sid fr st frw wks or mor 

why cud iv nt dun mor 

am i so bad

she nozw wh i am bt weni go fogs iv bean or my sisrts bean  bt i do go 2 sea her bt i try not2 go mush so she cnt rly on me i feal so bad wz tld she reld on me 2 mush 

need 2 get my slf bt rht

iv evn bean tld be pred for peol layi in 2 m tellin me i shud if tk betr car of mom im a vil humn bean dnt need remd off othr peple wen it stsgoin off i no im a bad eg i do

i no ill be getin

why did i let ths alz/dem hapen 

dnt no

why dnt itak bet car off her itryd bt new mona tk ov artrits in me tok ovr thn i no il be tld no exscus i cud of dun a ot mor

its wot im preprd fpr i just i cud waca magi wond mom be ok agan dad be hear evry elsbe ok evry thng ots go bad wud nt be my falt al i no is its still my falt

sor

sorry if im goin on 2 mush jts ths dem/azl getin 2 me exspet pepep layij in 2 me wish im dredin

Comment by Joy on August 9, 2017 at 12:10pm

My mom passed in May and like the previous post from Jennifer I was my mom's sole caregiver for nearly three years. My mom had a lot of health issues, she was immobile for one thing which was very difficult in terms of transporting her, lifting her everyday, helping her stay clean, etc. My mom had cataracts, Alzheimer's, diabetes, edema. I also found out she had a UTI which combined with Alzheimer's is a recipe for disaster. She would start seeing things and people who weren't there, she'd start folding her blankets non-stop.  It was hard fixing foods that she could swallow and enjoy. It was hard getting her to drink water and stay hydrated. I thought I'd feel this tremendous relief once she passed because then I'd have my life back, but I don't feel relief for myself and don't feel whole right now. The only relief I have is that she's free and not suffering any longer.

I tried doing as much for her as I could, but I don't think I did enough either and that haunts me. Because mom meant everything to me. I look back and wonder should I have quit my job, but didn't do that because I was our only means of support. Yes mom received pension and social security benefits but I wasn't going to live off of her resources and so I kept working and taking care of her.

Anyway, I know nothing is going to bring her back but I do have a lot of regrets and just wish I could have done so much more for her. I know she loved and appreciated everything I did do as she would tell me so. I just feel disappointed in myself sometimes as I go through this process of grief.

Comment by Jennifer Schrader on January 27, 2016 at 1:22pm
This is my first posting, and your post really hit home. My heart aches for my mom. And I am trying to find me again. I lived my life for my mom. And miss her so much. Even though everyone says it was the cancer that killed her, I have issues with the care I gave her. So many people says how proud they are of me since she was able to die in her home and I did a great job. I have always felt I could have done better. And I hope she was comfortable at the end. Since I had to force pain meds on her because she couldn't do anything for herself. I have never vented like this. Please let me know if you feel the same or what was your caregiver/ daughter. I am an only child. My mom was 59. Breast cancer
 

Members (11)

 
 
 

Latest Activity

Darien commented on Cathy Richardson's group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"Hello Krista,I'm afraid this forum isn't as active as some of us would like. I remember when I first came out here two years ago, raw with emotion. I still have times when I find myself still grieving, although it isn't as painful now…"
46 minutes ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I understand Brett, but I don't want to be "checked out" They mess with your mind, I just want to be myself again."
4 hours ago
Silke B. commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"When the stars shine up in the sky, I miss you. When the sun rises & sets every day, I miss you. When the rain falls and everything looks bright and beautiful, I miss you. Every day, every hour, in every way, in everything I do, I miss you."
11 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I also would like to hear from Bluebell."
13 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, I finally came to the realization that what I was doing wasn't working for me. And I realized that taking an anti-depressant couldn't be any worse than crying all of the time, not sleeping, and destroying myself with guilt and…"
13 hours ago
Rebecca Clemens posted a blog post

Life without them

It's been 2 years and 2 months since I lost my dad, and 1 year and 3 months since u lost my grandmother. Sometimes I feel like they were never here, like this is normal life without them. Then I have moments when I want to curl up in a ball and just cry because it hurts so much to miss them. I try to remember the good moments but all I can think about is the last days.The other day I was at the hospital with a friend and when we walked in I saw my dad, like I was shook this older women was…See More
13 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Well it probably did help me but I gained about 20 pounds and I hardly eat anything because of my IBS so I don’t know what happened"
16 hours ago
Rebecca Clemens is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
16 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Ok thanks Theresa. I sometimes want to try them but skeptical. "
17 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi I tried one Lexapro I did the pediatric does of 5mg"
17 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, are you trying too many anti depressants?"
17 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Ok so my friend had to do the unthinkable, her dog is not suffering anymore.  But it just set off a crying spell with me. Maybe I need to go to the dr again, for the 10th time. So he can just look at me and say, do you want to try and…"
17 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Bluebell how are you?"
17 hours ago
Miriam updated their profile
yesterday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I hope your Dad is doing well.  That must have been hard on you being in the hospital.  I am also sorry you are having more guilt like me.  It’s a horrible feeling.  Also one that others don’t understand."
yesterday
Monty replied to Pamela philipp's discussion FAILING in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Im sorry for your loss no matter how long ago it is. i can only imagine the pain and emotions you are still going though. for me it was taking care of the kids and finding one thing to achieve (no matter how small) helped a lot. it was as small…"
Sunday
M Adams left a comment for Jarvis
"Thank you for creating this site, it is a lifeline for many people.  Hope your health is improving every day."
Sunday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi All,  Hope every one is doing fine. Last week my father got an infection and was hospitalized so could not follow much here. Now he is better and recovering.  Virginia, you seem to be totally engrossed in the guilt which I can…"
Sunday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My boyfriend finally gave up.  I don’t blame him at all. And Brett I will tell you I don’t deserve the prayers, pray for my Mom please."
Sunday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"So the dr talked to my therapist and he told her the same things he told me.  I had asked her to try to get more answers.  I actually feel worse because I had someone ask some doctors about using ventilators.  The oncologist told us…"
Sunday

© 2018   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service