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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lisa on
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bluebird...I recall talking with you briefly on a different forum. Our stories seem so similar. I was with my husband for 12 wonderful, amazing years. Literally the BEST years of my entire life. I know my husband is the one I was meant to be with. I am absolutely sure of it. He's been gone for three and a half months now, and I still wake up so angry that I'm still here. I really do not want to be here at all, but I have friends and family that made me promise I would stay, and I need to take care of our dogs. I know he would want our babies taken care of with the same love and care we always have.
I wake up every single day remembering all of our plans and dreams and goals that we had together, and now I have none, I am alone. Both of our worlds revolved around each other, and my world just isn't spinning anymore. It can't, not without the one thing I had keeping me going. He was literally my reason for waking up and going to work in the morning. We would excitedly talk all day about our plans for the near future, and for the next 30-40 years. And we had so many.
It's getting into summertime now and each sunny day that shows up is like excruciating pain without him. We'll have no more bike rides together, no more fishing or camping or hiking with just the two of us. The things we loved doing the most together are going to be so hard to do with friends now. So hard to do without him.
People have given up on telling me I have to "move on and find someone else" I haven't been the kindest person to people who tell me that. Like you, I do not want anyone else. I found my person, and for some reason he was taken from me. I am still married. I still wear my ring on my finger and his ring on a necklace. I never take them off. This man was literally my other half. The thought of being with anyone else makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, to the point of being sick. I'd much rather be alone. We don't have to find anyone else if we don't want. No one can tell us what to do. No one but us can decide how to "be happy" again, although I really don't think there will be a time I will ever "be happy" again. I mentioned to his sister the other day that I could be sitting somewhere 40 years in the future, watching a sunset, and everything will still feel wrong because Dash is not with me. Then I cried for hours because I do NOT want to be here in 40 years still without Dash. I'd MUCH rather be gone, the sooner the better.
I think of you often, and that it's been three years for you now. I hope you are doing as well as you can be doing. I don't know where I'll be in three years, but I know it's no where I will want to be. No where I will EVER appreciate. If it's true that "God still has a plan for me, and that's why I'm still here" (like SO many people seem to say) Then I want to give whatever god is out there the biggest middle finger and not follow it. The only plan I want is to be rid of this terrible life. However, I am less inclined to think there is a god out there, especially one that cares about or loves any of us.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Lisa,
Our stories really do seem similar. We were with our husbands for about the same amount of time, and both of us know that we were with our soulmates.
I wake up angry I'm still here, too. Many mornings I wake up literally moaning; I wake myself up with it. Other days I just wake up, but always wish I didn't. Finally one morning I won't, and I will be glad of it. There is no reason or purpose to my life anymore, no future, nothing. It's not as though my husband was the only person I love, or the only thing in my life that meant anything to me. I have my family, who love me and who I love, and I had various interests, some of which my husband and I shared (like searching for and buying antique and vintage stuff) and some of which we didn't (like writing poetry, for me, and playing musical instruments, for him). But his death killed all passion I had for life; without him here with me, I do not have and do not want a future. I am only still here because, like you, I promised my family that I wouldn't kill myself, and because I love our cat and he needs me. Once our cat is gone, though, I may be too (hopefully via a sudden and painless death that I don't cause, but whatever).
I know what you mean when you say that "...each sunny day that shows up is like excruciating pain without him." I have actually always preferred Autumn weather, but my husband always preferred summer, and now when summer comes it is just another reminder that he is not here to enjoy it. All "good" things in life are bad now, because he is not here. I don't have any friends, and I don't want to go out and do anything. I refuse to do any of the things he and I used to do together, because without him here they hold nothing for me, they are just reminders that he died and that I am alone without him.
I suppose I have been lucky insofar as people don't tend to tell me to "move on and find someone else". My family know that is never going to happen, and I'm not close with anyone else. My coworkers even know what happened, and that I will never "move on", nor be with anyone else. But, like you, whenever anyone has even sort of hinted about it, I have not been kind either. It is not their place to say anything like that. I am still married to my husband, and I always will be married to him. I have his wedding ring, my engagement ring, and my wedding ring on my finger, and I always will. I will never take them off.
Thank you for your kindness, but I am not doing well; I never will be doing well. I hate my life, and it will never get better. The worst thing is not knowing if my beloved husband's beautiful soul still exists, if he is still himself, if he is happy and at peace, and if we will be together again. The second worst thing is not having him here with me in this life. But everything else sucks, too. Any faith I had is gone. Any passion I had is gone. I will never have children now. My parents are getting older and my Mom's health isn't great, and eventually they will die. Eventually our cat will die. My financial situation sucks. My job is ok, but pointless. I want this life to be over. I don't believe there is a god, and if there is I don't believe it has a plan for me, and if it does it can kiss my fat ass because I will do what I choose, not what it wants me to do. If it exists, it allowed my husband to die when he did, and I will never forgive it for that. Fuck any god that would allow my husband to die at age 40, one week after our wedding. I want nothing to do with that god. Most of the time, though, I don't believe a god exists either -- or if it does, it is either a cruel bastard or an indifferent one.
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Dash leaving me definitely killed my passion for life as well. All the things we used to do, both together and separate, don't hold joy anymore. My main things I had that were my own hobbies, Dash loved and he would brag about and show people and help me when he could even though he knew I liked to do them on my own. (Photography, sewing, running).
The only thing that's given me much motivation lately are our dogs. I know they don't understand where their daddy is and I have to try to make life somewhat enjoyable for them, as much as I can, even though I really don't know how to make life fun like he did.
I've already started working on a will in case something happens to me, like I wish every day it would. I know people would descend on all of our stuff quickly and there are certain people that I want to make sure don't get mine or his stuff. I have friends that are willing to take the dogs and give them a good life in case I happen to go before they do.
There really is nothing good about life now. Dash was my first everything, the first person I had a real relationship with, my first love and only love. (I do have other people I love too, my best girlfriends and my family and dogs). I was not his first relationship, but his parents and friends have told me that he changed so much once he met me and I was definitely the first person he truly loved. I ask every day why and how something so wonderful could just be ripped apart. I hate every single day now. I read all of these forums and see that there are so many people that this has happened to, and none of this makes sense. None of it. We should all still be able to be with our soulmates.
Everything makes me so angry. Every day I picture what we could be doing together. And every day I still wake up alone, without my other half. And like you said, one day I finally won't wake up, and I will be glad of it.
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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on
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Bluebird, Lisa,
I feel the way you two do about no passion for anything and also thinking about what you WOULD be doing if they were here. As the weather gets nicer all I keep thinking about was what me and my sister would be doing. And I just bought a brand new car, so that's all I think about. We talked so much about wanting/needing a car and how convenient that would make everything. As soon as I get one she isn't even here to see that I actually bought a car let alone enjoy it with me. I used to dream about us together when I bought it, and how fun that would be.
So, Bluebird, I feel like in saying Fuck God in giving me this absolutely shit filled hand of fate. I hate everything and sometimes everyone. I feel angry all the time because I'm tired of being miserable. I'm tired of my life being absolutely ruined. And no matter what anyone says, it IS ruined, because this has taken any zest and passion and concentration I had for anything I wanted to do in my life and flushed it down the sewer.
People say that I should be grateful because I'm alive, but they fail to realize that just being alive means nothing. It's the QUALITY of life. Whenever I hear the word "sister" I cringe, I hate it. I don't have anymore sister stories to share. People always said we looked like 'twins' so now my "twin" is gone forever.
I'm glad this forum continues because I get tired of hearing about hope and light at the end of the tunnel. I just don't see it. I have tried to socialize even when my sister was here, and I did make some friends but nothing like what I had with her. I feel like I'm losing my mind and having a breakdown most days. The idea of socializing and trying to make friend seems so overwhelming and I already know it won't be what I want it be. Someone who maybe can get together every other month. It almost feels like what is the point?
My friends for almost 10 years haven't even sent me a text in 3 months. So yes, I'm angry, bitter, lonely, pissed off, sad, miserable and tired of this daily agony. My weekends are awful and all I think is "This? For the rest of my life?" I'm glad I can come here and say that and not feel bad that I'm not sounding hopeful. I mean, how can this change? I don't see it.
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Hollowheart
I've read your posts and I'm so sorry you've lost of your beautiful sister. You obviously had a wonderful relationship.
I totally relate to the utter sadness and loneliness you feel, and the pointlessness of life without her.
My story is different but there are also similarities. Although I have good, kind friends and family, they just don't get it. Or possibly they don't want to. Ive prayed for death since the day my beloved husband died. The quality of my life is terrible, the loneliness of being here without him is unbearable. This is now an existence not a life.
My 4 siblings occasionally make contact - they think that because I'm no longer suicidal, that I'm ok. I want to tell them NO I'M NOT. Just because I'm over the self harm phase doesn't mean I want to live - I don't. I'm trying to be patient and wait for my turn, but in the meantime it's hell.
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HollowHeart,
I know what you mean about life vs. quality of life. People don't understand that my life is a burden to me now, not a blessing.
I too am glad this site exists and that I can be honest here.
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Darling, how do I construct a life without you? What does that mean? Life without you is no life. Everything that mattered (you) is gone and now nothing matters. How do I construct a life with nothing but ever present pain, grief and loss? How do I want to?
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I am so, so very sorry for your loss of your sister...I can't even imagine that pain. I did have a sister, but she died before I was born and I never got the chance to know her and so I grew up as an only child. I do know what you mean, or at least a similar feeling, to when you say you did make some friends but nothing like what you had with your sister. My husband and I were the same way, I was an extension of him and he was an extension of me, and I have never met anyone I have gotten along with so well or wanted to be with so much. When he was here the rest of the world was only background, and he was front and center. Losing that one person that you get along with so well, and being stuck here without them, this is what I imagine from the saying "fate worse than death".
I've just passed the 6 month mark without my best friend, my heartbeat, my life. Every day is worse than the one before it. So many people have told me "Well don't worry, it gets easier with time. Don't worry, you'll find someone new. Don't worry life will get better." And I can say that none of that is true. And none of that is wanted. The people that say these things have never experienced this kind of pain or heartache, and they only parrot the things they hear on TV or have read in self help articles.
I've created a wall in our house full of pictures of all of Dash and I's adventures, and I add more every week. My friends ask me if I plan on finishing school or progressing through my job and going for promotions. They ask me what my plans are for Christmas and New Years and the holidays and they say they are so excited to have me join them at their parties. I know they are being nice, but I don't want to join them. I don't want to do anything. I have nothing to celebrate. I don't have any interest in school or progressing my job, or even my life. The one person who motivated me to get up and get to work and help better our lives is gone. My step mother-in-law was trying to make plans for my birthday in November, and I finally broke down in tears and told her I never wanted to celebrate my birthday again. I have nothing to celebrate if Dash can't be here to celebrate it with me. She just patted me on the back and said "Well, you feel like this now, but 6 months is such a short time. You'll find someone new and want to be happy again." When people tell me things like this I feel that they're being so disrespectful to my feelings, and how I felt for Dash, for this man I loved more than I loved my own life. It convinces me that they don't really know me. They don't really know the life Dash and I shared. They could never have any idea how I feel because they have never experienced losing their best friend and their whole entire future. I would give up anything and everything to have Dash walk in the door and be with me, and I want nothing more than to be wherever he is, even if it's nowhere.
I find the easiest thing to do now is to smile on the outside and pretend I'm okay. It stops the comments I don't want to hear and stops people from trying to run my life and tell me what they think is best(most of the time), something Dash and I never stood for. We never wanted anyone else butting into our life, and I don't want it now.
I still take care of my dogs, and I try to take them for fun adventures like I know Dash would want to do. They deserve to have a good life. The adventures to me are dull and lifeless, but I smile a little watching the dogs play. Nothing is as sweet or beautiful for me as it was when Dash was here. And the good thing about these adventures, is that it is making time go by a little more quickly and at some point the day will come when I won't have to be here anymore either.
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Permalink Reply by pamela winmill on
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My husband the love of my life died suddenly 11 weeks ago, we have just celebrated 48 years of marriage, he was 68 and a wonderful husband father and grandfather I don't know how I am getting through each day I just want to be with him where ever he is life without him is unbearable, I saw a medium who was accurate to the humming bird I put with him and I know he is waiting for me, although he says not yet but I don't think I can last much longer it gets worse every day.
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pamela,
I understand, as much as anyone else can. It is much the same for me, although I didn't have nearly as much time with my beloved as you did with yours (not quite 13 years, as opposed to 48). He died when I was 43 (I think...around that, anyway), and now I am a few years away from 50, and I have no desire to hit that birthday. Life without my husband is absolutely unbearable.
It's good that you had a good reading with the medium; i hope that brought you some comfort. It sounds as though you have some faith in an afterlife, which should bring you some comfort as well.
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Your post is absolutely heartbreaking. I don't know what to say, except that I could have written much of what you did. I get it. No one can know this kind of pain unless they are in it.
You have probably seen this site, but I was wondering if it could help just a little: https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/
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Jeff,
You're absolutely right, that no one can know this pain unless they are in it.
I had not seen that site before. Thank you for the link, that was very kind of you. I watched their "about us" video, and they seem to genuinely want to help people. But "grief recovery" is not something that is possible for me, nor even something that I want. I have no desire to even have a life, anymore. I just want to die and either be with my husband (if there is an afterlife) or cease to be altogether (if there is no afterlife) as soon as possible (well, as soon as possible after our cat's natural life ends -- I need to be here to care for him for as long as he lives).
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