Does anyone else feel abandoned by friends?  

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yes/no

on/off

i do

evn had frinds cross st in 2012 not speak  2me in 2012 

i thrt i did thngs wong i still do

 on off

its frinds it do not get loss coz thy not had loss

do not get it

if its frinds its had a loss

it go way wen u need themm im stuckk coz i do not no to say

all i ni i no in 2012 i soon lenr  abot frinds evn famly whoo real 1s  wz i did 

sorryy if imsayin wong thngs 

or spelin got not mushh fealin in fingrs co of a/t in fingrss

r/ta/ in fingrs 

u need  fridss it get u it tim lk now u do 

sorry i do not no u 

all i no i wud not treet pepele way pelel tret me wen died thy way did me thn multi loss on stopp puss lot of othr probs 2 

pluss i wud not domit it 2 u i wud not  2 no 1 i wud not 

sorry on yore loss 2 

Elynn, I feel abandoned by everything and everybody. Period. Even with the people who try to console me. Its just not enough.   I cant seem to feel that this life is worth living for any length of time.    I go in and out of feeling abandonment but mainly I am tired of fighting to try and live with the pain.  I keep hitting rough patches and I am in another one again after having a few weeks where I might have meltdowns but not the complete and total feeling of being without him.  I was driving down the highway this afternoon and I looked over at a car next to me and there was a man sitting there and thats all its took for me to think that i will never see my husband again.  Never.  He's dead.  I will never ever see him again.  Never touch him or talk with him.  He's gone, forever.  It's too much to handle.

 I just don't want to keep trying to live.  I think I am turning a corner.  I think I am going to start planning to die.  I know I have a few things I have to do even if I was still trying to live (they are sort of the same) but I cant keep suffering his loss and feel its what I have to do.  I don't have to keep trying to live around the loss.  I can plan how I might be able to die quietly and peacefully.  I have begun to think it is not such a horrible thing to leave this miserable world behind.  I hate whats happening in the government, I hate having to keep trying to make enough money to pay bills, I don't have any real love even from the people who claim they love me.  Its not the kind of "love" I understand as real.  They care but its not love.

I just don't want to continue to think I am looking at years of living without him.  He's gone.  Why do I have to pretend that this life is somehow worth maintaining without him?  I am even saddened that I still come here and have to say how hard this life without my husband is.  I am beginning to wonder why this just continues.  Why must I feel like I am struggling most of the time and then have to pretend to others that I am not?  I'm tired of the pretense.   I just don't see any purpose in continuing to suffer living without him.  Its not pessimism, its minimizing further injury.  The realization that this is it.........its time to really talk about the worth of keeping going.  What would I really be giving up?

I do too. It’s a long story, what happened to all my friendships in the four years since he died, but basically I don’t feel as if I have any friends now - not in the way I did before. But there are people out there - you, Morgan, for example - with whom I feel a bond of friendship, understanding and connection. But no one who is with me often, that kind of thing. These days I think the feeling of abandonment by friends is an inevitable consequence of having loved and been been loved back so deeply. A big part of me had to be hollowed out in order to accommodate that, and it seems I can’t just grow back into that gap. And now, any semblance of friendship just rattles around in that hole, banging into very sensitive parts of me, which hurts a lot. Also though, I am sorry to say I probably would have been the same, before my loss, if one of my friends had lost their true love. After a while I would have judged their behaviour as long-term depressed and beyond my help.

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