It wasn't hard thinking of a title for my story. The word which most perfectly encapsulates how I feel since I lost my Dad (and many years ago, my Mom) is simply.. Lost. What is a young adult supposed to do without her parents? I am terrible at guiding myself. I've been struggling with addiction for years now, if that is any indication of where my best judgment gets me.

Anyway, I might as well start from the beginning. My mother died of breast cancer when I was 6 (on July 14, 1994). It was very difficult to understand what was going on at the time, being that I was just a child. I did not cry at her funeral, and I was extremely confused as to why everyone else was. Kids do not grasp the concept of death, and I was no exception. In time, I came to understand that I would never see her again in this life, and I have always had a difficult time coming to grips with that fact. My father was extremely hurt by her death. I truly believe she was his soul mate. He had tried a couple times to move on after she died by dating other women, but it never lasted long. They were just not the same, I suppose. He and I never really talked about her, but I really wish I could have now. One of my greatest regrets was not knowing more about my parents, especially my Mom..

So my Dad raised me the best he could. He was supportive of me no matter what I did. I couldn't have asked for a greater, more caring father. He will always be my hero. I guess I was a "daddy's girl." ..But I have done him wrong on numerous occasions. I won't go into it much, but in my addiction I stole money and materials from him and robbed him of precious nights of sleep. I feel like the stress I caused was one of the factors leading to his death. I feel so guilty every time I think about it.. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. There's absolutely nothing I can do now, except try to do better with my life.

I should explain the events leading up to his passing as well. I was living with him in PA, and my friend and I planned to move across the country to WA state. Everything went fine, I said goodbye to him and hugged him and we said we loved each other. It was really the perfect goodbye, in my opinion. Then on our way there - I tried calling him and he wasn't answering the phone. I found out he was in the hospital, which is what I was worried about. The whole time I had this sinking feeling like something terrible was going to happen.. I couldn't reach him by phone in the hospital because he was in the ICU. However, I think they knew he was going to die because they let me speak to him one last time. He sounded depressed, which is something he has never, ever sounded like before - to my knowledge. He just sounded different, like he had given up.. But I got to say goodbye and I Love You one last time (of which I wasn't aware yet). And of course the next day I received a call from my sister telling me he died of a pulmonary embellism.. I lost it. I prayed it was a joke, it wasn't real. It couldn't be real. This is not happening. I am going to call him and he's gonna be just fine..

Now it has been 2 years and 3 months since his passing, and I do not feel like this is getting any easier. Joining this group and being among others suffering the same has been helpful. It's always nice knowing you're not alone. Still - I can't help but break into tears and cry if I think about it too much. I can't listen to someone else talk about the death of their parent(s) without crying. I think that this has been the hardest 2 years of my life, especially because I am not numbing myself and just have to deal with everything head-on.

I still feel sometimes like I could just call him and say hi. His birthdays are absolutely the worst for me. Almost every single dream I have he is there, alive, and things are normal.. I don't think it is normal to still feel this way after 2 years. Shouldn't I be over it by now, or at least not crying all the time still? Shouldn't I not have ridiculous mood swings ending in crippling depression each time?

Anyway - though I am lost without the guidance of my parents, at least I still have my family (3 sisters, a brother, 2 nieces, and 2 nephews, and many others) who cares about me a lot. And my partner who bears the brunt of all the crap I go through. I'm grateful that I am not alone. I just wish he would or could come back. I wish I could have died instead of him- I am not half the person he was, and I deserve the be the one dead, not him! I would switch places in an instant if it were possible.

Also, today I just found out that my Uncle Tony died, too. He wasn't actually related to me, but he was my Dad's best friend and a friend of the family longer than I've been alive. He was another great person- one of the most caring, compassionate people I've ever met. He was a doctor who owned a family practice - one of the few doctors that really cared about his patients. :/ It's not fair that all these GREAT people are being taken one by one.

I guess, hopefully there is an afterlife and they are all together now, as it should be.. All of them deserve to be in Heaven.

But until I join you - I love you Mom, Dad, Uncle Tony, and I'll miss you forever. May your spirits rest in peace.

-Steffie