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Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on May 25, 2010 at 9:22pm

Jeremy, my grief is very new compared to yours. One year ago today my 33 year old daughter died as the result of an ATV accident. She died in Alaska and I live in Texas. She was my only child and I miss her so much. My personal belief is that time heals nothing but we do learn to cope and integrate our grief into our daily lives. Have you sought professional help? I still have regular visits with my primary care physician, behavioral therapist and psychiatrist. I have told my son-in-law that I expect him to move forward at a pace that is comfortable to him. I always told my daughter life is for living...please, please seek professional help. As a mom it hurts to read of your pain but I also find it a bit scary when you write you are "ready to give up". Let me know how you are doing...I check the website several times throughout the day.

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Permalink Reply by Jeremy on May 27, 2010 at 6:09pm

Laura , Thanks for responding to my post & caring. I haven't yet tried to get any professional help. I really thought I could deal with this myself. But I don't think I can. I think what is really hurting me is that we got into an argument the morning she got killed. Everytime I try to start a new relationship with some one else I keep thinking how unfair that is to her. She never got to experience the real joys of life , so why should I. We started dating in the 5th grade to all the way thru highschool. She was really all I knew. I think that is another reason why I can't move forward. I keep thinking if I would of kept my big mouth shut things might of turned out different. Then when I lost my Mom that was just another blow. I've been thru alot I watched my Mom take her last breath right in front of me. In a way I wish she would of passed away in the hospital atleast I would have known that their would have been alot of people their that could really try to help her. I didn't know what to do & that will haunt me forever. Once again thanks for caring.

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Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on May 27, 2010 at 8:15pm

Jeremy, I understand what you are feeling when you say your girlfriend never got to experience the real joys of life. I feel the same way for my daughter...and I'm sure your girlfriend knew how much you loved her. We all have disagreements in our relationships which have nothing to do with the substance of the love. You have so much life ahead of you and we have both learned just how short life can be.
As for your mom, consider yourself blessed that you were with her when she passed. You can't know that they could have helped her...you need to find a way to let go of the what ifs and find some joy in life. Even the smallest bit...what kind of work do you do? Do you have any hobbies? Brothers and sisters?
Jeremy, I was a mom for 33 years and I loved it. It's hard to let go of that part of me and I really don't want to. So when someone like you is hurting it is so hard not to respond...
Continue to let us know how you are doing and please consider some type of professional grief counseling.

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Permalink Reply by coachlouise on June 16, 2010 at 10:13pm

Dear Jeremy, when are you going to stop beating yourself up with that two by four? God is answering your prayer,that is why you wake up feeling the same. Read above see what prayer you wrote? I encourage you to change your prayer to pray for a happy future, to stop drinking, you deserve to live AND TO LOVE AGAIN. Drinking has a powerful voice, more powerful than you might realize, it might be what is holding you back, because if you move forward you might give it up. AA offers free help and you will receive so much support, please check it out. I send you my love, and compassion. Coach Louise

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Permalink Reply by Layla Anderson on July 2, 2010 at 7:41pm

Jeremy-

My brother passed away 6 yrs ago and I feel the same way. I have no motivation to be a better person, no motivation to get on with life. I just feel like whats the point? I miss him so much and everytime I do something fun, I am always reminded that he isnt here. Its not getting easier. At all. I have no advice for you but I do think that alcohol may make it all worse. I tried that for a bit but just felt like a total loss. I have tried to reach out, in therapy and with friends. I have some good days but it seems like I always find some way to relate all of my life problems to the fact that my brother died. Its not fair to me or my family. But how do we get out of this? If you want to get out of it I think you have to be willing to love again fully knowing you could get burned. Life is so rough and I dont have the asnwers. I just dont want to feel this way anymore either. Thanks for your post-its nice to know Im not alone, unfortunately.

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Permalink Reply by Kathryn Schmidt on September 1, 2011 at 1:53am

I recently lost my boyfriend, and I loved him very much. In fact the depth of my grief is so intense that it serves as a testament and constant reminder of the depth of our love and intimacy, which in turn is a constant reminder of how much I have lost and will probably never have again... As I read your post, I fear that the pain and emptiness I feel with him gone will never go away, and it likely won't. I know he took a large part of me with him when he left me here on earth, and I have already tried to fill that emptiness with anything I can, and then afterwards I get angry with myself for even thinking I will ever be able to replace him with anything or anyone. I know he, and that space in my heart for him, is irreplaceable. I don't need to try to live from that place in my heart, but I need to start living from the heart that is still left in me, the parts of my heart that are unused, because I still have more to give (not necessarily to another man, but towards my work and the world around me). I don't know if that makes sense.. and I didn't really have anywhere I was going with this post, you just prompted me to start rambling my thoughts.

 

I guess what I would remind you to do is to never forget your love, and in never forgetting her, you must never forget her thoughts, feelings, prayers, and hopes for you, and you must live as she would encourage you to. I think that is sometimes the only way I can push myself out of bed, into the shower, off to work, and so on, from day to day. I miss my love, but while I find zero motivation in daily living, the one place I can find it is in knowing he is still there and wants, hopes, prays, desires that I continue to live and work with all the love I have, and that when I do, he smiles.

 

I don't see myself ever letting go of him, not in 10 years even... but I pray and hope that I will be happy again. I hope you can be happy too. But in the meantime, perhaps I can lend you some comfort in the simple fact that you are not alone in your suffering... that realization (partly with the help of this website) is a comfort for me.

 

Thank you for your post.

 

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Permalink Reply by Babs on September 14, 2011 at 1:08pm

Hi Jeremy, yes i have felt stuck in my greif for a very long time. My aunt died 20 years ago when i was 15, she was like a mum to me and lived with us, she was the most important woman in my life. I was not told that she was ill with cancer or allowed to be with her in the hospital and was excluded from the funeral. I had no support as no one knew how important she ws to me apart from my family, but my mum hated my aunt so i had to keep my grief a secret from her and was angry that she was alive and not my aunt i felt i had top be strong for my dad. Due to all the anger and feeling like i hadn't even existed in her life because of how things were handled and having no support to grieve i am now still stuck and unable to move on. I am still in so much pain 20 years later, everyone says that things get easier with time but that is not true sometimes. I lost the man i loved in difficult circumstances last year and have been unable to grieve for him too, i fear that will not lesson either, yet i have had other significant losses (my nan who i was really close to died 3 years ago) my grandad and a cl;ose friend., but because there were no difficult circumstances surrounding the losses i was able to move on and things did get easier although i still miss them. I wish i could tell you how to move on but i am really stuck on this one, just wanted to let you know that there was someonre who understood. lots of love and hugs. Babs

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