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Permalink Reply by Pam on March 12, 2014 at 2:13pm

Djpebbles

Just read your post & agree with you about being stuck in this life...feeling there's no way out, not wanting to hurt anyone so existing just one day at a time. My darling husband passed last August & the loneliness is unbearable at times. All his clothes, all his things are in the same place & I still have his pictures in the lounge from the day of his funeral. Everything will stay in place - he needed a stairlift latterly & that is staying too. This is our home & will always be our home. Quite honestly, I don't know how I've actually survived for 6 and a half months....I really thought (hoped) I would die of grief. Disappointed that I'm still here & like you, I wish something would happen...accident or illness - I really don't care. The day I die and join my beloved won't be a day too soon.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 12, 2014 at 2:22pm

Djpebbles,

I'm sorry your husband died too.  I'm sure the empty nest thing sucks, but on the other hand your daughters are at least part of your husband that is still alive, and also a kind of future for you (though of course you can't make them your entire life).

I don't know if it's harder to have a spouse/partner die suddenly or after a period of illness; they're both horrible in their own ways.  You got to spend those 5 months with your husband, which is good, but at the same time you knew what was coming. With my husband and I, we had no idea he even had a heart problem. We said good bye and I love you that morning, texted during the day, and that was it.  The next time I saw him was in the hospital, dead. It was horrific. It still is.

Like you, I am done. No drive, no desire, no passion, no more fucks to give about anything basically. I love my family, but that's not enough to make me want to live, and it never will be. You said "I hate being alone, but i also hate being around people.", and I totally understand that, as it's the same for me. When I am around people, I refuse to "put on a happy face". I am miserable, and i'm not going to pretend otherwise. I want to die, and I see no reason to act as though I don't.

I was raised Catholic, but unlike many Catholics I hear from, in my family and church it was a very open-minded sort of church/faith.  I believed it when I was a child and young teen, but at some point I became agnostic. I don't really remember when or why; I think it likely happened over time.  I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife.  I hope there's an afterlife so that I can be with my husband again in it; I don't care if there's a god. I used to care about that, but not anymore. If there is a god, and if s/he is omnipotent, then s/he did not keep my husband alive and well, so s/he betrayed both of us. If s/he is not omnipotent, then s/he is not really god ,in my opinion.  I could have dealt with it if my husband had a heart attack from which he recovered, and which made him take better care of himself, but not him dying, and especially not one week after our wedding. Fuck that, and fuck whatever god would let that happen.

I still have most of my husband's stuff, and I always will.  He didn't actually have a huge amount of stuff that was just his (as opposed to ours), as material stuff never mattered to him, but what he did have I've kept. The only exception is that I did give away a bunch of his socks, a new belt, and some sweaters (he never really wore the sweaters, and never wore the belt; the socks were in good shape) -- friends of my sister were collecting warm clothes right after Hurricane Sandy, to give to people in need, so I gave the stuff to them. My husband has always been the kind of person to literally give others the shirt off his back, so I know he would have done the same, and those things did not hold sentimental value for either of us. But his other stuff -- his books, vintage stuff he (& we) collected, his wallet, his keys, his t-shirts, etc., all of that I will always keep.

"They" say that it's not wise to get rid of a dead loved ones stuff within the first year after they die, because you're not thinking clearly. But if it's been two years since your husband died, then you are probably thinking clearly enough to make a decision as to whether or not you should get rid of stuff. I would recommend that maybe you first just pack it all up in boxes and stick it in the garage or somewhere out of sight, then see how you feel about getting rid of the stuff more permanently in six months or so.

I'm sorry you feel like crap too. If your love for your family keeps you alive, that's great, and I hope you are able to find other things in life to make you happy as well.

I know what you mean about the memories of times with your husband, and about being the only one to remember them now. I also have a crappy memory, so i'm sure I've forgotten many of the times we had together, and it sucks. I wish I could just go live solely in my memories with him, until I die. I wish I could make myself withdraw into our good memories and just stay there. my regular life holds no appeal to me anyway, so that would be preferable.

I don't want to hurt my family by killing myself, either. At the same time, I HATE my life now, and I know that if I don't die within the next couple of years there's a pretty fair chance that I will kill myself. I am in anguish all the fucking time.  Why is my pain less important than that of my family? I used to be a good person. I'm sure I was selfish at times, but now I am selfish all the time -- all I want is to die. I don't like who I am anymore. there is no point to my life. I refuse to "fake it".

I hope you find a way to be happy again, if that's what you want and what would be best for you. As for me, I just beg everyday to die.

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Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on March 14, 2014 at 7:09am

Wouldn't it be nice if this promise was real? (I believe that it is)

And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”

A life with no PAIN!!!!

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 14, 2014 at 9:13am

That would be nice, yes -- but if there's a god, then s/he should have made this life that way, as far as I'm concerned, or at least let us know beyond any shred of doubt for anyone that there is an afterlife in which our dead loved ones are happy and well and themselves, and in which we will be with them again.

I'm sorry, i know you mean well, but i cannot respect a god that leaves us in a state of not knowing if our loved ones still exist. 

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Permalink Reply by Tracie B. on March 14, 2014 at 9:54am

Ever since I first read your post, my heart has been hurting for you. And although I don't know you, you often cross my mind (and some others that have posted in this thread as well)

Have you looked into Grief Support Group, near you, to attend? While it's great to be able to have support, online, sometimes it's even more healing to be around people, in person, that understand where you've been and can relate to your situation.

In my group, last week, one of the women brought in an article about "Complicated Grief" and my mind went straight to you.

------From the New York Times:

There is no formal definition of complicated grief, but researchers describe it as an acute form persisting more than six months, at least six months after a death. Its chief symptom is a yearning for the loved one so intense that it strips a person of other desires. Life has no meaning; joy is out of bounds. Other symptoms include intrusive thoughts about death; uncontrollable bouts of sadness, guilt and other negative emotions; and a preoccupation with, or avoidance of, anything associated with the loss. Complicated grief has been linked to higher incidences of drinking, cancer and suicide attempts.

“Simply put,” Dr. Shear said, “complicated grief can wreck a person’s life.”

-----

It may be worth a shot to look into something to try to help you cope with your loss.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 14, 2014 at 10:11am

Hi Tracie.  Thanks for your kind thoughts.  I definitely exist in "complicated grief", and I always will.  I don't understand how anyone who has had a spouse or another very close loved one die could ever be any other way. Of course my yearning for my husband is intense, of course life has no meaning and no joy. How could it possibly be otherwise, when my soulmate is not here with me and i don't even know if he still exists in any way? "Complicated grief" hasn't wrecked my life -- my husband's death has wrecked my life.

The meaning in my life is gone, and that's that.  I won't go to a grief support group, or a grief counselor, or anything like that.  there's no need, there's nothing they could do to help.  the ONLY thing that would help, the only thing I want, is to be with my husband again.  I really want him here with me, back in the life we should have had together for many more years, but failing that I'm fine with dying and being with him (if an afterlife exists). 

I understand where you're coming from, but there is no help for me.  There is no getting over this, no moving on from this. my life ended when my husband's life ended, that's all there is to it. now I just want my body to hurry up and stop living as my spirit has.

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Permalink Reply by Tracie B. on March 14, 2014 at 10:48am

There IS help for you - you just have to want it. Not now, but maybe one day, something (or someone) will shine a little light into the darkness for you.

You have a family that loves you, which is SO much more than some people have, and I'm sure that they want the best for you, but I'm also sure that they know that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. That's one of the hardest, most frustrating things for people dealing with loved ones - who have experiences a loss - to live with.

You don't have to get over it or move on, but you can adjust to 'new normal' and learn to be happy again- no matter how hopeless it feels right now.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 14, 2014 at 10:50am

I don't want it.

Yes, my family loves me, and I love them.  In one way that's great, but in another way it isn't, because it keeps me tethered here. I know it's hard for them to see me this way, and I wish it wasn't, but this is how I am.

There is no "new normal" for me.  This is not normal. This is not life. I reject this. I have no desire to be happy, no desire to be alive. People don't seem to understand this.  There is nothing more for me -- I am done.

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Permalink Reply by Tracie B. on March 14, 2014 at 11:05am

I understand that you feel that way...but I know, from experience, that you always have choice. I was stuck in a rut, for years, and kept telling myself that's the just way it is, until one day something changed and a series of events helped me to make a choice, to better myself, and I finally climbed out of that dark hole.

When my dad died, in October, I was worried that I would go back there. But I didn't, so I've been able to be there for my mom while she processes his death. She's still trying to adjust to life without him, but she's doing okay.

I'm not trying to upset you, and I'm sorry if I have, but sometimes I care too much and certain people just tear at my heartstrings. I hate seeing people in pain. I'm sorry you're stuck in such a dark place and I just wish there was a way that I could help lift you out of it - but again, I know that I can't - so just know that I'm here if you feel like you want to reach out to someone to try to help.

I'll continue to keep you in my thoughts and wish you well.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 14, 2014 at 11:15am

It's awful that your dad died, I'm not saying it's not -- but it's not the same as when your spouse dies. When that happens, your entire life ceases to exist, your future dies. At least that's how it is for me. it's good that evidently it's not that way for your mom, but I would guess that she didn't lose your dad at age 40, one week after their wedding, which is what happened to us.

You haven't upset me, you just don't understand what this is like. I don't blame you for that, you couldn't understand it.  Even if your spouse/partner had died, that would still be your specific experience just as this is mine, and while there are similarities, shit like this never affects two people in exactly the same way.

There is no way to change, and more than that, there is no change that I want, no change that would make life worth living to me. if there is a choice, then I choose death, and I truly hope it happens as soon as possible.

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Permalink Reply by Tracie B. on March 14, 2014 at 11:20am

No, she lost him at age 65, after 41 years of marriage, which was still way too soon.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 14, 2014 at 11:23am

I agree, it is always too soon.  But after 13 years together, and only one week married? To me, that just shows the cruelty of god, if one exists. 

does your mother have a faith/belief that there is an afterlife in which she will be with your father again? if so, that probably helps her. I do not have that faith.

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