Don't grieve alone
On January 31, 2014 my partner of eight years had an argument because she had been cheating on me and I was DONE. During the night she was restless and kept waking me up wanting to know where my phone was or where the charger was. Then she said "You're gonna learn." She was alive when I left Saturday morning. She had written a note but my anger and hurt from her betrayal blinded me to the contents of the letter. I wrote her a letter back telling her to go be happy. I assumed she would be leaving and moving into her new girlfriend's apartment. I stayed at a friends house to give her time to move out but when I came home Sunday morning she was still here. On the couch flipped over. I thought she was asleep so I started picking up the apartment. I looked at her again and she wasnt moving. I pumped her chest until EMS arrived. She overdosed on pills. What pills exactly, I don't know. I wont know until the toxicology report is ready sometime next month.
Now I'm still in the apartment and I have found out so many more lies she told me. The affair lasted eight months, not three. She asked this other woman to marry her, she had hidden emails and facebook pages that I never knew about and her phone has a screen lock on it so I cant review her messages. On the day of the funeral I lost my job. I've packed up the majority of her things but I am at a crossroad here. I am hurting on so many levels I don't even know which way is up. Do I burn her memory or let the affair go? Did she love me or is it safe to assume that everything she told me was a lie? Everyone is telling me it's time to move on and that I have grieved long enough. It hasn't been a month! I want to go to Dallas and visit an old friend and my mom is telling me that it's a bad idea... I have no one to talk to about this. All my friends are now staying away because they don't want be around someone who has a dark cloud over them all the time. I don't blame them. I am lost and alone with no answers and no help and no support. I wish I could disappear.