Today I think I'm about to break into a billion shattered pieces. I'm having panic attacks, I want to scream, I need someone to talk to. And I can't do any of it. Where are the people who say they love me? I guess they are tired of hearing me crying every single day over my son. They want me to move on, get back to normal and talk about how beautiful the weather has become. I want to rip the hair from my head because maybe that pain will ease the pain my sould is going through. My son, me beautiful, talented, funny, loving, screwed up son. How can I just let you go? How am I supposed to act as if the world is wonderful when you're not here to see it? I have all these questions and not one single answer to any of them. What happened the day of your wreck? What happened? 

I refuse to believe that there's some mighty all knowing being floating around us all that arbitrarily takes our children from us because he has some grand plan in store for us all and we're not supposed to question him. Just go along with his program and all will be revealed. What a load of crap!! I've been  told that when a parent passes, in any way, their young children will go in their later years. If by suicide, the chances of one of those children commiting suicide get higher. Others will become daredevils and do things that are so dangerous that it's like they're trying to find out what happened to their fathers first hand. How do we explain to them that their dad not being with them isn't their fault and they need to know that they loved their kids so much. But they don't really get to see the proof of that because Daddys not here to show them. What do I tell my grandkids that he loved them more than he loved breathing.

How do I get this pain out? I can't handle this and I'm by myself. Even if there were someone here, they can't know the agony that is a living organism eating my soul. The woman I was almost 7 months ago left this world with my baby boy. The one sitting in front of this keyboard finds no happiness in anything. I know what empty shell, lifeless husk, and living corpse all mean. They are me. They are a terrible imitation of the wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and grand daughter that used to inhabit this body. I have no clue how to be this person. 

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Comment by Connie K on June 10, 2015 at 10:59am

Toni,

 The pain is something words cannot describe. sometimes I still try to answer honestly how I feel, and it is impossible. None of it makes sense. It is all out of order and wrong. Just try to take it a day at a time. Moment to moment. In the beginning, I had to get out of the house and walk. Just walk anywhere. Somehow the rhythm kept my heart beating. You feel like you can not bear it, but you will and we will be here when you need someone to talk to. Hugs and love to you

Comment by Rj on June 9, 2015 at 7:17pm
God bless us all...we are lost and lonely souls. I am sorry
Comment by Sara Schwartztrauber on June 9, 2015 at 7:03pm

Toni

As much as my heart is shattered by losing my husband of 37 years on April 1st, I know in my heart that it can't match the pain of losing a child. My son is 29 and right now, my kids are my rock. I'm so terribly sorry for your pain. I won't give you any of the usual platitudes like it will get better with time, or he's in a better place, because honestly, I just don't believe them.

Please just know that I am here and willing to listen anytime you need to vent.

Sara

Comment by Rj on June 9, 2015 at 7:03pm
I lost my son, 27, to suicide 4 months ago. You are so right about not knowing the so called new us.i hate this new life without my son. Time has done nothing to ease the pain. I feel like an empty vessel, existing only. What kind of life is that? Terrible...im sorry for so many of us trying to live and get thru this hell.
Comment by Richard G on June 9, 2015 at 3:24pm
Toni, I know exactly how you feel. I feel like the rest of the world and even the ones who love me have no idea how much pain I'm in. I can't pickup the pieces and move on because I'm barely holding on to the pieces of myself that I have left. In some ways I have already died. The anxiety attacks are the worst, I can't get through a day without taking Ativan. I hate living like this. I only hope that with help from others on this site that we can find some kinda peace until we are with our loved ones again.

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