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My son is so much more than a memory!
Back in October 2009, my 21 yr old was riding his friend's motorcycle down a residential street when he was rammed into another car. Thank God the occupants of that car were not seriously hurt but unfortunately, my son sustained a massive brain injury and he passed away a week later. My whole life changed in an instant, nothing could ever prepare a parent for this kind of nightmare. My faith has been weakened but not totally destroyed. I begged God to spare my son and take me in his place if necessary. For God's sake, he is ONLY 21yrs old! He is someone's son, someone's brother, someone's grandson, someone's nephew, someone's cousin and someone's friend. He had a life! He went to work everyday, he was so full of life, a life that he fully enjoyed. No, he was not perfect, none of us are but he was a good kid. There were a few things we did not always agree with but I realize now that I had to let him be his own person. I have so much guilt now about some of the petty things we argued about. His passion, the thing he loved the most was his music. He had always saved his little pennies since the day he was old enough to work. He bought his first expensive keyboard and taught himself to play. He mastered it, he had a gift. He slowly bought other expensive equipment like a mixing board until he basically had everything for his own recording studio. He loved to make original beats/tracks. His dream was to become a big music producer. He loved all kinds of music but he reaaly loved hip-hop and reggae. His favorite artist of all time was Michael Jackson, he was devastated when he passed away, who knew that he would meet the same fate in a few months. He always said that Michael was a "MUSICAL GENIUS" and that he too would be the next musical genius....producer wise. His other favorit musician was Bob Marley. My son used to tell me "mom, I am going to be the next Kanye West". Kanye is a huge music producer that also became a rapper for all those that may not be familiar.
I long to hear him say "hey mom, it's me, I'm home" or hey mom what is ther to eat, I'm starving". I wish I could yell at him now for coming in late or playing his music too loud. My son's famous saying was" relax, it's not that serious". He said that every time I complained about something. We had war over him riding his friend's bike. The day that he was critically injured, was only his 2nd time on the bike! I had warned him that they were NOT safe, I reminded him of our neighbor who was killed on his motorcycle when he was also in his 20s and what do you think my son said to me...." relax, it's not that serious". I wish he would have listened to me and everyone in our family that warned him not to ride. I literally begged him with tears not to ever ride it again after I had first witnessed him ride it out of our next door neighbor's driveway. I even went as far to say that he could ride AFTER my funeral all he wanted but until then, keep your ass off of that bike. My son crashed after being chased 3 days after that! I felt like I passed away with my son. I was so angry with my self, I thought that maybe I failed him because I didnt convince him to stay off the bike. I was angry with God because I begged for another chance for my son, I would have done anything to have his life spared. I felt like why does God allow these things to happen, why does he let a mother's heart become permanently broken. My son needed a miracle. I felt like I was being punished. When I was told that there was nothing else they could do for him, I remember screaming " this is MY son, do something, I am begging you"! I will never forget trying to get my son to respond to me, if he could only whisper, or hold my hand or give me a hug. NOTHING, only silence, I picked up his arms to place over my shoulders and I begged him to hug me back......nothing! His arms just dropped to his sides. I desparately tried to wake him......NOTHING! Then I was told by family members that we had to leave. I had been there a whole week with my son in ICU(intensive care unit). Family would bring me clothes and food that they food force me to eat.. I slept in a chair at his bedside. I want my son back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I long to hear him say "hey mom, it's me, I'm home" or hey mom what is ther to eat, I'm starving". I wish I could yell at him now for coming in late or playing his music too loud. My son's famous saying was" relax, it's not that serious". He said that every time I complained about something. We had war over him riding his friend's bike. The day that he was critically injured, was only his 2nd time on the bike! I had warned him that they were NOT safe, I reminded him of our neighbor who was killed on his motorcycle when he was also in his 20s and what do you think my son said to me...." relax, it's not that serious". I wish he would have listened to me and everyone in our family that warned him not to ride. I literally begged him with tears not to ever ride it again after I had first witnessed him ride it out of our next door neighbor's driveway. I even went as far to say that he could ride AFTER my funeral all he wanted but until then, keep your ass off of that bike. My son crashed after being chased 3 days after that! I felt like I passed away with my son. I was so angry with my self, I thought that maybe I failed him because I didnt convince him to stay off the bike. I was angry with God because I begged for another chance for my son, I would have done anything to have his life spared. I felt like why does God allow these things to happen, why does he let a mother's heart become permanently broken. My son needed a miracle. I felt like I was being punished. When I was told that there was nothing else they could do for him, I remember screaming " this is MY son, do something, I am begging you"! I will never forget trying to get my son to respond to me, if he could only whisper, or hold my hand or give me a hug. NOTHING, only silence, I picked up his arms to place over my shoulders and I begged him to hug me back......nothing! His arms just dropped to his sides. I desparately tried to wake him......NOTHING! Then I was told by family members that we had to leave. I had been there a whole week with my son in ICU(intensive care unit). Family would bring me clothes and food that they food force me to eat.. I slept in a chair at his bedside. I want my son back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Comment by Lorraine on September 14, 2011 at 9:23pm
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sorry, I put first link in wrong, it is the one on it's own after first comment~
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Karen, it's all so hard; some days harder than the other hard days. I hate to sound so dramatic, but it just is. It's been over three years since Silas left, and I just can't wrap my brain around any of it. Life is changed. I try to remember how having Silas in my life is worth this pain, and I know in my heart this is true. I HATE the "better place" thing. That really makes me mad, because my son was so happy being here on earth. He was passionate about life. He was not perfect; but he was perfectly Silas. I am attaching a video link about my son; he started talking about his cancer when he was first diagnosed. He was a journalist first, and his courage inspires me to this day. The hospital hum in background of some of his footage is audible but that was the reality. I hope you will watch it and get to know my son a little better... I will never ask you to accept your son's death, and will be here & understand. Take best of care. http://http://www.vimeo.com/15966121
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Comment by Karen R. on September 13, 2011 at 10:55pm
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Hello Loraine, thanks so much for reading my blog, this site is so important, everyone's support means so much. Sad is an understatement concerning all of our losses. I wish I had my old life back, I use to be happy, I didn't realize it could be snatched away from me in an instant. These " things " always happen to someone else, never thought that I would be the "someone else". I don't know how to be "ok" with all of this and I don't know why it has to be "ok". When I'm feeling alone, I think of you and all the other members, I think of all the parents, especially mothers, all over the world that are experiencing some of the same feelings that I am. I am more comforted by all of you than other family and friends that I have that have no clue what i am going through. It's hard for me to express my true feelings to them because they just want me to simply STOP........how can I stop longing for my child, they tell me to ACCEPT it............how can I accept this, accepting to me, means it's "OK" and it's NOT!!.........they tell me to move on..........how can I move on when my world seems like it ended, I'm still mad at the world for going on without my son!...........they tell me he's in a better place..........the "better" place is here with me and his family and all of his friends, he should be enjoying his life and learning from mistakes. Maybe one day in the future, I will find peace, my spirit is uneasy for now. I didn't choose to be like this, who the hell would choose this?!!!!
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Karen, this is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss; your son is beautiful. what a great smile. And telling you to relax; this reminds me of my Sy guy; when he was going through cancer and I would be getting nervous, he would turn to me & ask me in his deep slow voice, "mom, what's your issue?" It was funny, and it always made me laugh or straighten up a bit. It is heartbreaking to beg for your child's life; I understand this as well. It is just so f__king sad, no other way to say it. My heart breaks every day, and I can see that yours is broken with losing your beautiful boy as well...
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Comment by John B on April 6, 2011 at 8:48pm
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Thankyou Karen for your Kind Words. Thankfully I'm Strong, even though I sometimes Feel like a Wet Tissue Paper going oVeR the FaLLs, however I'm also Grateful that I have my Creative Insight which I ironically 'received' from my oFf/oN ToUgH LoVe 'Mother' who Can be Nice..and Sensitive when she's not Affected by what she sees and hears and doesn'T want to know about and seems to be Oblivious to her 'part' in our 'family' DySfUnCtiOn. Thankfully I found this link and book which helps..when I read it..and don't get side tracked 'escaping' on the computer usually on Warcraft..the Ultimate Addiction for Artists..ugh..lol
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Greetings Sheryl.....I too and sorry to hear about the loss of your son. It's funny how you mentioned that you can't refer to your son as being "dead", I can't either! It is harsh. Just saying or even typing that word makes me angry. I speak of my son in the present tense, he is always going to be my son because he is my son. Some people dont get that. I cant help but worry about my son, I wish he would contact me again to reassure me that he is ok. I believe he has made contact with me at least 2 times since he passed. I have been begging and pleading with him not to cross over and stay with me.......sounds selfish, I know but I can't help it. Sorry, I don't mean to sound crazy.
Thank you for your concern and kind words, please keepin touch.
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Greetings John B......Thank you so much for your kind words. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. My sadness is still the same intensity as it was 17 months ago when my son passed away. These types of losses are very devastating. I just feel like this world can be so cruel. I was not built for this kind of pain.
I am sorry about your sour relationship with your mother but you must continue to pursue all of your positive goals and find ways to enhance your artistic abilties without letting anyone discourage you.
Thanks again for reading my blog and responding to it, keep in touch.
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I am so sorry to hear of your son's passing. It is never easy losing a loved one, no matter how young or old they are. I always wonder why babies die within a day of their birth or sometimes they don't even make it to that 'age'. Nothing seems to make sense, however my Friend, who is a Birth Mother still searching for her 41 year old son whose 'social worker' told her that "he isn't interested" in communicating always reminds me to "Look uP !" and Be Grateful for the Life we have and how others would be if we weren't here to share the rest of the days, weeks, months or years any of us may have or lose without notice.
I have been unemployed, Depressed and Deeply Devastated Emotionally by the loss of my Father, who was the ONLY one of my 'family' to care to visit me over the past 18 years far away, as my mother Assumed I lost my job teaching only to became a Drug Addict, Alcoholic or Bum !" As a Perfecionist who Demands things be Done "The RIGHT Way !" (her way oR else !), she can't 'figure' me out or 'accept' me as God Created me to be the Sensitive photographer/writer/artist I am still trying to Believe is Ok to Be, however thanks to this book and my reaching out to her praying to God to help me Forgive her as she also lost her Father when she was only 14, we're making progress in listening and accepting &loving ourselves first so that we can share Gift from God with others. May Your Pain be Eased Knowing that Your Son is Now with Michael Jackson in Heaven, preparing for our Arrival sooner or later.
http://www.google.ca/#sclient=psy&hl=en&rlz=1R2GGLL_enCA330...
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