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I quit
I QUIT. I'm done. I thought I could help, but I feel like what I say or write is wrong or hurtful. Today I hurt. I hurt as bad as I did the day I held my sweet little boy in a body bag all burned up. I also feel like I have hurt the ones I just wanted to help, and maybe give a little hope. When I write it's not that everyday I feel good, and happy. I wish I had someone to shed a little hope for me so I thought I should give some hope to others. What I didn't realize is not everyone is ready to hear about hope, and joy. My mistake. I've been locked up, shut up, and given my last rights twice since this all began. I've been physically very sick. I've had 10 serious surgeries, and 2 minor. Nobody gave me any hope. I was told that it was my fault that the boys are dead. I've carried a guilt that no mother should ever have to carry. I have been shunned by those who were supposed to be my friends. My siblings have nothing to do with me anymore. A gal who was supposed to be my good friend didn't want me around because she said I was a jinx, and because I lost 2 children she didn't want to lose 2 by being my friend. My own daughters didn't want to be near me for a long while. I had to pretend, and still do to be ok so I wouldn't get locked away in the psych ward. I've been down in the gutter more times than I care to remember. Through it all the only person I could be honest with was me. The only person I could count on to be there for me was me. You don't know what fear is until you not only have a dead child, but have your sanity questioned too. Losing a child is bad enough, but to not be able to grieve made me want to die. Not having anyone to understand what I was going through was hell. So forgive me if I jumped the gun. I just wanted to give a little hope, not to hurt anyone. Now I feel like I should not even write here anymore. I thought others wanted to hear some of the good stuff, but I was wrong. I'm sorry. I thought I was helping, and it turns out all I've done is make others more upset. I'm sorry. When I buried my second child, I promised him as I held his body in my arms that I would do whatever I could to help others, and now I feel like the bad guy. So I quit. I never should've opened my mouth. I guess this will be one promise to my son that I'm going to have to break. Everything everyone has talked about on here I have been through, and more, twice. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again. So I quit. I'm going back to dealing with my losses alone like I should've in the first place.
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Comment
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Comment by Dennis C. on October 18, 2013 at 11:33am
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Anne
I am so sorry that you are experiencing these things.
But HOPE is really the only way to go. Feeling hopeless leaves us with nothing but despair.
So please speak of HOPE. It is really the weapon that we have to fight against these overwhelming emotions of loss.
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Comment by dream moon JO B on October 16, 2013 at 4:20pm
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dont leave anne on hear we can say how we feal
frneds family can be weid arnd us wen we loze ple thy can
iv bean told by pele its nver lost any 1 get over it its easy i wud luv 2 no how or how cruel or evil i am coz i still love ple tht i hav lost
i no on my lst blog posted i dnt rant rave on coz i hrd a bit bad news
i jst so sory tht u lost kids coz tht is never fair lozng kids
1 lady i no she lost her mothr thn her son 2 she tld me she will evr feal sme agian
sory if iv saed wong thngs
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Comment by Vasanthi S on October 15, 2013 at 10:14pm
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Anne,
No! you are a source of great strength. Please do not misread what anyone says here because its not that our friends do not like to be positive.. on the contrary they yearn for some light but everything just appears so so bleak and you know that awful feeling, the sinking feeling in the pit of our stomach which says, ' hey who r u fooling? life will never be sane again.. everything is not all right and that this can happen again and again in the blink of an eye.' you are among those rare and precious souls who is braving it out without allowing for depression and insanity.. Please do not allow yourself to stop .. reaching out to others is the only way.. it is a balm for one's own pain if you may... it is medicine.. by feeling the pain, accepting it but not wallowing in it , you prove how advanced a 'soul' you are. Do not allow any negative perception to color your thinking my bravest friend.Life is not ok, we all have expectations from the people around us, most often they r not met.. so i say, 'so be it'.. i will try to meet expectations.. last night for me has been nothing short of brutal.. the pain, the knowing that I will never hear my son's chuckle and laugh, or see his lovely eyes which are always calm and which soothe me, it is all beyond endurance.. but .. we do endure, we do live and our tribute to these wonderful angels in our life will be to live damn well or at least die trying.. what say you?
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Comment by Ammy on October 15, 2013 at 8:15pm
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Oh Anne, please don't leave. I love when you write something positive. You may think right now that they're not ready to hear about hope and joy, but they will remember that it's possible. I know I did when I use to read positive comments when I first started this life.
I also feel like you wrote above. ALONE! Everyone has left me except for my 2 daughters and my husband, but they don't really get it or see the real me. I have to hide my feelings most of the time if I'm having a really off day. Maybe I'm a little paranoid but I feel like they want to avoid "IT". Well, "IT" is my son and I will never avoid "IT".
Okay, I am already stressed. Don't want to go on and on.
Write me if you want. I understand. But PLEASE do not leave. Don't quit.
Love to you.
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