Anne's Blog (61)

Can my plate get any fuller?

It's been a really tough few weeks. October is a bittersweet month. Bens anniversary, on the 7th. My 32nd wedding anniversary on the 9th, and the death of my sweet Lil Del on the 17th. I thought I could handle it all very well this year. Then I got sick. I figured it was bad, but I wasn't sure what was going on. I had some tests run, because I haven't been able to take in much food or liquids, and have been having awful pain in my abdomen. Well turns out I have a huge bleeding ulcer in the…

Continue

Added by anne on October 8, 2014 at 11:21pm — 1 Comment

Why (CAUTION) Dont read if you can't handle my truth.

Why, why, why? Why you? Why me? Why anyone? Hell if I know. If I knew the answer to that, WOW. I get asked that question so many times, and all I can say is I don't know. When I get frustrated with the whole thing I ask myself Why not me? Why not you? What the heck do I know? Because I'm a 2 time loser I should know the answer to that. I've lost many family, and close friends over the years, and it never gets any easier. I do however get through it. How you ask? I have no idea. I guess when…

Continue

Added by anne on August 31, 2014 at 8:08pm — 6 Comments

I have just lost it

I think I just blew a fuse. I generally do my best to be positive, but today I read a post that said that God picks and chooses who lives and who dies.

specifically it said that God chooses children to die so that he has younger angels in heaven. That's such crap. I'm so upset I can barely type. Why would a person post poetry like that? How can writings such as that be of any comfort? Obviously the person who wrote that poem knows nothing of which they write. I understand the need to…

Continue

Added by anne on August 20, 2014 at 6:24pm — 3 Comments

The different me

Last week I cleaned our garage. It was pretty bad. I hadn't touched anything in there for 4 years. That was the time we put most of Bens personal things in the garage that his roommate, and buddies brought to us. We had it all at the farm, and brought it to our house in town 4yrs ago. I guess my feelings are that you don't have to get rid of anything until your ready. I have things that I have had since Lil Del died. I will never part with those things, and that's OK! I knew I had to move…

Continue

Added by anne on July 18, 2014 at 7:21pm — 1 Comment

Having a rough day

I'm having a rough day. There's so much to do, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around anything. The headaches are becoming more frequent, and the nightmares have returned. This makes me so frustrated. The neurologist said I'm hard to treat because of allergies to most medicine. I don't know what to do. Lil Del keeps popping in, and out of my mind. His life, his death, worry about what's left of my family. All the things I normally have a handle on. Normal! What is that? I pray, but I can't…

Continue

Added by anne on July 1, 2014 at 2:15pm — No Comments

Those were the days!

Yesterday at work I held a beautiful tiny baby girl in my arms, and my tears fell on to her little blanket. I remembered the days I had my own children. When they were babies I could protect them. This little baby smelled like love. I realized how blessed I have truly been. God blessed me with 4 beautiful babies that I cared for, protected, and loved. Even though I didn't get to keep 2 of them with me I am still grateful as ever that I had them for the time I did. Somedays the pain is as raw…

Continue

Added by anne on June 25, 2014 at 6:36pm — No Comments

Still angry?

I didn't realize just how angry I still am until today. My husband and I went to breakfast this morning as we do every Sunday. I was watching his face and the his facial expression changed. I know when this happens he's thinking about something that's bothering him. As I always do I asked him what he was thinking. He said he was thinking about when the boys were still alive. We started talking about all the terrible things that happened after Lil Del died. Then it all came flashing back. I…

Continue

Added by anne on June 8, 2014 at 1:45pm — 2 Comments

Man gives information. God gives inspiration

Plato once said that humans are like people stuck in a cave looking at shadows on a wall believing  the shadows are real, but they're just things getting in front of the light.

When you lose a child you become so sad, and full of pain that you become afraid of the light so you go into the dark. I was so afraid of the light after my little boy was killed that I didn't want anything to do with the light. I was so afraid of what would happen if I let the light in. I lived in darkness for…

Continue

Added by anne on June 3, 2014 at 11:05am — No Comments

Mother's Day

I had a wonderful weekend! Until I brought up Ben. We were talking about chicken pocks. All I said was remember when Ben had chicken pocks at the age of 13. He had them so bad. He became very sick. all of a sudden the dirty looks started flying. If looks could kill, I'd be dead. I don't understand it. The second I say one thing about either of the boys I get the worst dirty looks ever. It's like the girls want me to forget they were ever here. You'd think they'd want to remember them. Heck…

Continue

Added by anne on May 12, 2014 at 11:17am — 1 Comment

I took the plunge

Today I took a plunge into freezing cold water to raise money for a gal I don't know who has brain cancer. I'm not sure what came over me to do such a crazy thing. When I was a little girl I was sitting in a lake near our home and the current came and washed me away. I remember going under for the last time when my big brother came and held me up by my hair until my dad could come and rescue me. I have since been afraid of moving water. I'll never forget that awful feeling of drowning. I…

Continue

Added by anne on May 4, 2014 at 9:49pm — No Comments

The first time ever I saw your face

When I hear that song by Roberta Flack, I now think about my sons. The song never really meant anything to me before, but has now taken on a whole new meaning. I remember vividly the first time I saw the faces of my children. The sun did rise in their eyes! The moon and the stars still are the gifts they bring.

Added by anne on April 19, 2014 at 9:16pm — No Comments

Today I have no voice

Today I have no voice. I have been pretty sick these past days. I haven't had food in 7 days. My stomach won't hold anything, and they don't know what's wrong. A very sweet, and wonderful friend of mine passed away last week, and I just found out today. My heart is broken. My eyes are blinded with tears. Today my hope is gone. Today I am scraping the bottom of the barrel for just one glimpse of light. Dear God, I know you are here, but I can't feel you near me today. I'm so tired. I feel so…

Continue

Added by anne on March 10, 2014 at 9:37pm — No Comments

"Where was God?" "Where were my angles?"

I have heard those questions a lot. Heck I've asked those same questions myself over, and over! I don't ask them anymore because I know the answers now. When my little boy burned in that car God was there. When my Ben was killed, and my daughter permanently injured, God was there. He was there all along. I just didn't know it because the pain, grief, and sorrow were so strong I couldn't hear or feel God's presence. I was so angry with God that I didn't want him near me. I didn't want God to…

Continue

Added by anne on February 2, 2014 at 8:04pm — No Comments

Christmas is over, and as of midnight tonight a New Year will begin. It's been strange around here this past year. The holidays were very different for me also this year. I am about to dip into some …

Christmas is over, and as of midnight tonight a New Year will begin. It's been strange around here this past year. The holidays were very different for me also this year. I am about to dip into some pretty deep self pity. I feel like I have lost my whole family. My oldest daughter is doing very well, but she's not as happy, and giddy like she used to be especially during the holidays. Is it because we are all older? When I was young I used to dream about the holidays with my own children.…

Continue

Added by anne on December 31, 2013 at 6:09pm — No Comments

It's over!

Finally my episode is over! Whew! Every time I go through these episodes I gotta wonder if I'll live through it. This was a bad one no doubt about it. The nightmares were horrible. The anger was fierce, and the sadness overwhelming. I'm not sure if I learned anything from this one because it's too soon, but I'm so glad to be somewhat back to normal. I haven't thrown a temper tantrum like that for a long time. Anything within my reach I threw. My bedroom was a mess, and my house was also a…

Continue

Added by anne on November 27, 2013 at 6:22pm — No Comments

PTSD the unseen

It has really been rough lately. Lil Dels birthday, the weather getting cold, and raising heck with my arthritis, and the topper, having to put down our precious dog Zero. I posted about Zero on facebook today. I wanted to wait to say anything about it out of respect for my husband, and Zero. Anyway my husbands cousin wrote, and said "Playing God is the worst part of owning a pet." I felt as if I had been slapped in the face. I thought she knew me better than that. I don't consider putting…

Continue

Added by anne on November 22, 2013 at 7:12pm — 2 Comments

Dogs do go to heaven!

Today at 5:15 pm our best friend Zero went to heaven. The discs in his lower spine were slipped, and cutting off the nerves to his back legs. A few years back a man with no heart I presume, rolled our Zero down the gravel road right in front of my husband, and on purpose. That was the beginning of the end for our wonderful dog Zero. Since then Zero has had trouble with his hips, and back legs. It's a strange thing, but he had been acting like a pup for the last few weeks until this passed…

Continue

Added by anne on November 19, 2013 at 8:31pm — 1 Comment

Football

I played football today with a boy who said he didn't like me. Those few simple words tore my heart out. Yesterday I opened my computer and there was a picture of a tattoo that my husbands nephew just got on his arm. It was a picture of a cross with both of my sons names on it. It tore me up. Needless to say I didn't sleep at all last night. I have been feeling so good inside, and then one picture tore me to tears. It seems that along the way I always get blindsided by things like this. I'm…

Continue

Added by anne on November 7, 2013 at 9:04pm — No Comments

I knew my heart was telling the truth!

Last night I was reading Jo B's blog about all the why's. Then I read the response from Dennis C. I went to the biblical site that he recommended. I have been afraid to read a lot of the bible because I wanted to keep believing the way my heart has led me too. I read the scriptures on the page. There it was. My heart was right. God does not do these awful things that happen to us on this earth. The truth is when man allowed sin to enter into him, he also allowed satan to take over. It is…

Continue

Added by anne on November 4, 2013 at 11:50am — 1 Comment

The end of the month of trial, and tribulation!

Another October has come, and gone. I prepared for the worst. I was ready to fall down, but instead I only wobbled a little. Is that a sign? Am I healing? Some days I have to wonder if I'm setting myself up for the big one. Oh well. I guess I'll take it as it comes. I feel different this year. I feel less fearful. I feel less depressed. I almost feel like part of the old me has come back. Is my heart getting hard or is it finally ready to accept the things that I cant change? In 2 weeks it…

Continue

Added by anne on October 31, 2013 at 9:53pm — No Comments

Latest Activity

Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Assumptions

An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true.  Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions.  This is where I find myself today...Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking…See More
Mar 13
Profile IconCari Jo Converse, Jennifer and James D. Thornsberry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 13
Profile IconMarina Dsouza, Leah, Sandra M Aaron and 5 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 5
esther joined HollowHeart's group
Thumbnail

Sibling Loss

This group is for anyone that has lost a brother or sister. Sibling loss is often minimized and people don't realize how devastating losing a sibling can be. I lost my older sister and my life will never be the same. She was my only sibling, I looked up to her, I went to her for everything. I lost my past, present and future. It is traumatic.See More
Mar 4
Speed Weasel posted a video

Sun Keeps Risin'

Provided to YouTube by The Orchard EnterprisesSun Keeps Risin' · Lissie · Elisabeth Corrin Maurus · Martin CraftMy Wild West℗ 2015 Lionboy RecordsReleased on...
Feb 26
Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Triggers Continue to Surface

Late February is a challenging time of year for me.  Jen’s birthday is the 23rd and serves as an annual reminder of all of the potential that was lost…Her’s (mainly), mine, the world’s honestly.  This year she would be 52…It is increasingly hard to imagine, through all of the iterations possible, what she could have become, what was to be her (significant) impact on the world.That being said, things, emotions, have largely settled down since I committed a potential version of what could have…See More
Feb 15
Michelle joined Gyla Lynn Darden's group
Thumbnail

Loss of a child In memory of my son or daughter

This group focuses on healing ourselves and each other over the death of a child and welcomes a Christian atmosphere to help with the healing process. I welcome all of those grieving.See More
Feb 8
Tammy McLaughlin and Rosie are now friends
Jan 30

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service