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Anne's Blog (61)
Powerful decisions. What to do what to do?
I have been in this crappy club for going on 13 years. I have felt every emotion and every hurt that I have been reading about.I have said and done everything I know of to not accept what has happened to my family. I have done just about every thing short of suicide to stop the pain and the sadness. Finally I have come to realize that the only thing left is to make a decision as to how Im going to live the rest of my life. These thoughts and descions do not happen overnight. This has not been… Continue
Added by anne on August 5, 2011 at 12:55am — No Comments
Mothers Day
Why does this day hurt the worst? I have been through many holidays and many special occasions but Mothers Day is one of the most painful of all. I havent slept in weeks every little thing makes me cry. I've been smoking 2 packs a day for the last 2 weeks.
.I havent slept for more than a half an hour at a time. It's like the punishment from hell.the nightmares have been so horrific I feel like putting my head through a wall. Cant talk about it cant let anyone see me cry. No onewould…
ContinueAdded by anne on May 9, 2011 at 12:40am — No Comments
They say, They say, They say
They say what doesnt kill ya makes ya stronger. They say that every dog has its day. They say that time heals all wounds.I've been told that in order to move on you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.They say they say they say. I have heard so many of these anticdotes and cliches over the years that i could write a book the jproblem is that when you are in greif the only thing these sayings manage to do is make a person angry. As if losing someone you love doesnt piss you off enough.… Continue
Bens birthday came and went
Well Bens birthday came and went but I was too sick and in the hospital to feel much of anything. How's that for a mixed blessing. Yesterday I sang and spoke at a memorial for a man I had never met and only knew from his late night phonecalls. Every time we spoke he was very drunk. I was surprised that I was asked to sing and speak since we had never met. I dont really do funerals or memorials anymore but I felt in my heart I should do this. When it was over the mans daughter came up to me and… Continue
Added by anne on February 6, 2011 at 9:01pm — No Comments
I want I want I want
I want the sun to shine everyday. I want my loved ones to never die. I want to feel like a normal huan being. I want life to be better and happier. I want God to come here and talk to me about all the troubles that are happening. I want all animals to be treated with compassion and respect. I want children to never have to suffer abuse. I Want peace and love to rein everywhere. I want to sleep without the fire that tears my heart up every night. I want my granddaughter to be ok when she is… Continue
Added by anne on February 3, 2011 at 10:15pm — No Comments
Today I read Peggys comment
I read a comment today about Peggys son Shawn. It made me smile. I know we all share the sad things about our children, but it was a fresh story and a happy moment and I appreciate Peggy for sharing this with us. Sometimes we get lost in the saddness of it all and it was nice to see a happy story for a change. So I decided that today I would blog about some of my good memories of my boys. When the boys were little they used to sneak into our room at night and lay a blanket and pillow down on… Continue
not another birthday?
This has been a very stressful month. Next week would be my Bens 28th birthday. I'm writing today so that next week when I look back at this I can hopefully refrain from feeling really bad. Today I feel ok. I can't help but think about all the things that have happened over the years. My daughter just had surgery fix her face from the accident that took Bens life. It never ends. It''s always there. I can run but I can't hide. My other daughter is having serious marital trouble and a new baby… Continue
good day today
Today I am ok and so I am grateful. Coach Louise talked to me about the truth. It helped alot. The truth is you can't predict when bad things are going to happen. Today I am strong enough to accept the truth, that things are going to happen whether I like it or not, but it's what I do with those things that will make the difference in my life. I believe in God. God makes me angry, confused and dissapointed. I still believe. When I'm angry he hears words that should never be heard. When I feel… Continue
Added by anne on January 8, 2011 at 12:14am — No Comments
The Holiday had come and gone.
The holiday has come and gone and it took no prisoners this year and I am grateful for that.The decorations are down and put in their boxes,The boughs of holly are saftly nestled in their containers. The tree is back to sleep for another year and the lights are done twinling for another year.The stockings are all rolled up and put into stacks to be stowed away nicely while they take their long winters nap. The candy canes were old so I put them in a box and off to the trash they went so they… Continue
Added by anne on January 3, 2011 at 12:34am — No Comments
The first day of the new year
It's the first day of the new year, and now we begin a new. I did'nt say we start over because I don't want to start over. I want to begin a new.A new way of thinking, a new way of believing, and a new way of living my life. I have been on a very long and painful journey. I'm thinking it's time to do things different. This year I am going to try and spend more days laughing than crying, smiling, instead of frowning, and grateful instead of being selfish. I have realized that I can't change… Continue
Added by anne on January 1, 2011 at 5:01am — 2 Comments
Today
Today I accepted help from a complete stranger. Whether or not she will help me I don't know, but i'm hoping so.I am amazed at how much fun christmas was this year. Not a tear was shed, but nobody talked about the boys either. I bought my little grandson a book from hallmark that you can record your voice reading the story. It was Frosty the Snowman. At the end of the book I recorded the song part that goes " thumpty, thump, thump, thumpty thump thump,look at frosty go. Thumpty… Continue
Glad I got that out of my system
WHEW! The other days blog was pretty intense. Not sorry I wrote it though. I am so glad I had this site to get that out of me. When it gets that bad it's so much better to say it and get it out rather than keeping inside and making myself sick over it. I truly don't like feeling that way but sometimes I have no choice. It is a roller coaster ride and not a fun one. Those times are going to come and go and I know that all to well, but being allowed to write it out gives me the tool I need to…
Continuemissing the boys don't ready this if you are feeling rough it will only make you feel worse.
Christmas is just a week away and I am missing my boys more than I can say. I idd'nt get invited to any parties and no christmas bonus. No body calls , no cards were sent to me and no greetings from anyone.I understand I guess. Why would they want me around anyway. Sounds like I''m feeling sorry for myself. I guess I am. My mother yelled at me last night when I called her. She said nobody wants to be around me for fear of recking their holiday. Not too many people are allowed to see me cry.…
ContinueAdded by anne on December 18, 2010 at 4:31pm — 4 Comments
today
Today I went shopping for the holiday and I came across some people I used to work with. They asked me how I was and before I could answer they answered for me. Why do people do that? So they think i'm going to bust out crying? Do they think that that's all I talk about?Don't they know that my life is defined by more than just my sorrow? I guess I dont understand. I have lots of times that I talk about other things. No one wants to just be my friend. Are they afraid that I will fall apart in…
ContinueThe strangest things happen when your not looking.
The christmas before my oldest son Ben went to serve in Iraq we went to the christmas eve candlelite service. I stopped going to church after my son Del died. My daughters sat behind me. It was beautiful with all the candles and the lites. I put hairspray on that night before church. Something I dont normally do. Anyway I was pretty sad sitting there listening to the music and then we stood and sang silent night. Suddenly I smelled something burning I turned around and it was my daughter she…
ContinueAdded by anne on December 14, 2010 at 9:26pm — No Comments
acceptance
I made it through another big BANG. I wasnt sure if I would make it this time. This time. It seems like i've been saying this time forever. It feels like I just get back on my feet and then BANG it hits again no big warning just a big BANG. How much longer can I survive the big BAngI'm not going to wake up thinking it was all a bad dream. So I have to accept it. I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of the pain and worst of all I'm sure my sons wouldnt want me to suffer this much. I am doing…
ContinueAdded by anne on December 13, 2010 at 11:30pm — 3 Comments
Surviving through the holidays
I made it through the last two months, I wasn't sure I would. I was very scared. I made a plan but I didn't carry it out. I pray I never feel that bad again and if I do I pray for strenth to never carry it out. It's been years since I've felt this bad. So you see greif comes and go's. It's in and out like a rainy day. If I can just get through the rainy period I can make it, I can survive. You know how people say stupid things to those who have lost loved ones. Well a lady came up to me and… Continue
Added by anne on December 5, 2010 at 12:51am — 2 Comments
one more birthday come and gone, it still matters to me
Today is november 15. Yesterday was my little boys 25th birthday. He was killed one month before his thirteenth birthday. I thought by now the pain would'nt be so bad but guess what, I was wrong again! But I must admit it does get easier in different ways. I think maybe it's time. Time must be the only way to survive this whole thing. Oh sure a persoon couldd quit but that generally doesn't turn out so good in the end. You could get locked up in a physc ward but trust me that makes the process… Continue
Added by anne on November 15, 2010 at 4:06pm — No Comments
On this day again
Today is sunday October 17. On this day 1998 my beautiful12 year old son was killed in a burning car accident. It was a beautiful saturday morning. I went to work ata the cafe. My sons Ben and Del came to the cafe to have lunch with their 2 friends( they are twins). As usuall Del ws fooling around at the table and fell back on his chair and french fries went everywhere. I was cooking but I saw him and I told him to behave himself. That was the last thing I said to him. When I got home from work… Continue
Added by anne on October 17, 2010 at 8:02pm — 2 Comments
on this day
Today is October 6th. On this day in 2007 my son Ben and my daughter AJ were on their way home to be God parents for my grandsons baptism. I got up that morning and went to work. I was a little miffed at AJ because she gets a little pushy about church. My cell phone rang at 2pm. I did not answer it because I thought it was AJ, and I did not want to argue with her. It wasn't her calling, It was the highway patrol. I went to the church with my husband and youngest daughter to make prepartions for… Continue
Added by anne on October 6, 2010 at 4:37pm — 3 Comments
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