It's been a really tough few weeks. October is a bittersweet month. Bens anniversary, on the 7th. My 32nd wedding anniversary on the 9th, and the death of my sweet Lil Del on the 17th. I thought I could handle it all very well this year. Then I got sick. I figured it was bad, but I wasn't sure what was going on. I had some tests run, because I haven't been able to take in much food or liquids, and have been having awful pain in my abdomen. Well turns out I have a huge bleeding ulcer in the…

Why, why, why? Why you? Why me? Why anyone? Hell if I know. If I knew the answer to that, WOW. I get asked that question so many times, and all I can say is I don't know. When I get frustrated with the whole thing I ask myself Why not me? Why not you? What the heck do I know? Because I'm a 2 time loser I should know the answer to that. I've lost many family, and close friends over the years, and it never gets any easier. I do however get through it. How you ask? I have no idea. I guess when…

I think I just blew a fuse. I generally do my best to be positive, but today I read a post that said that God picks and chooses who lives and who dies.

specifically it said that God chooses children to die so that he has younger angels in heaven. That's such crap. I'm so upset I can barely type. Why would a person post poetry like that? How can writings such as that be of any comfort? Obviously the person who wrote that poem knows nothing of which they write. I understand the need to…

Last week I cleaned our garage. It was pretty bad. I hadn't touched anything in there for 4 years. That was the time we put most of Bens personal things in the garage that his roommate, and buddies brought to us. We had it all at the farm, and brought it to our house in town 4yrs ago. I guess my feelings are that you don't have to get rid of anything until your ready. I have things that I have had since Lil Del died. I will never part with those things, and that's OK! I knew I had to move…

I'm having a rough day. There's so much to do, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around anything. The headaches are becoming more frequent, and the nightmares have returned. This makes me so frustrated. The neurologist said I'm hard to treat because of allergies to most medicine. I don't know what to do. Lil Del keeps popping in, and out of my mind. His life, his death, worry about what's left of my family. All the things I normally have a handle on. Normal! What is that? I pray, but I can't…

Yesterday at work I held a beautiful tiny baby girl in my arms, and my tears fell on to her little blanket. I remembered the days I had my own children. When they were babies I could protect them. This little baby smelled like love. I realized how blessed I have truly been. God blessed me with 4 beautiful babies that I cared for, protected, and loved. Even though I didn't get to keep 2 of them with me I am still grateful as ever that I had them for the time I did. Somedays the pain is as raw…

I didn't realize just how angry I still am until today. My husband and I went to breakfast this morning as we do every Sunday. I was watching his face and the his facial expression changed. I know when this happens he's thinking about something that's bothering him. As I always do I asked him what he was thinking. He said he was thinking about when the boys were still alive. We started talking about all the terrible things that happened after Lil Del died. Then it all came flashing back. I…

Plato once said that humans are like people stuck in a cave looking at shadows on a wall believing  the shadows are real, but they're just things getting in front of the light.

When you lose a child you become so sad, and full of pain that you become afraid of the light so you go into the dark. I was so afraid of the light after my little boy was killed that I didn't want anything to do with the light. I was so afraid of what would happen if I let the light in. I lived in darkness for…

I had a wonderful weekend! Until I brought up Ben. We were talking about chicken pocks. All I said was remember when Ben had chicken pocks at the age of 13. He had them so bad. He became very sick. all of a sudden the dirty looks started flying. If looks could kill, I'd be dead. I don't understand it. The second I say one thing about either of the boys I get the worst dirty looks ever. It's like the girls want me to forget they were ever here. You'd think they'd want to remember them. Heck…

Today I took a plunge into freezing cold water to raise money for a gal I don't know who has brain cancer. I'm not sure what came over me to do such a crazy thing. When I was a little girl I was sitting in a lake near our home and the current came and washed me away. I remember going under for the last time when my big brother came and held me up by my hair until my dad could come and rescue me. I have since been afraid of moving water. I'll never forget that awful feeling of drowning. I…

When I hear that song by Roberta Flack, I now think about my sons. The song never really meant anything to me before, but has now taken on a whole new meaning. I remember vividly the first time I saw the faces of my children. The sun did rise in their eyes! The moon and the stars still are the gifts they bring.

Today I have no voice. I have been pretty sick these past days. I haven't had food in 7 days. My stomach won't hold anything, and they don't know what's wrong. A very sweet, and wonderful friend of mine passed away last week, and I just found out today. My heart is broken. My eyes are blinded with tears. Today my hope is gone. Today I am scraping the bottom of the barrel for just one glimpse of light. Dear God, I know you are here, but I can't feel you near me today. I'm so tired. I feel so…

I have heard those questions a lot. Heck I've asked those same questions myself over, and over! I don't ask them anymore because I know the answers now. When my little boy burned in that car God was there. When my Ben was killed, and my daughter permanently injured, God was there. He was there all along. I just didn't know it because the pain, grief, and sorrow were so strong I couldn't hear or feel God's presence. I was so angry with God that I didn't want him near me. I didn't want God to…

Christmas is over, and as of midnight tonight a New Year will begin. It's been strange around here this past year. The holidays were very different for me also this year. I am about to dip into some pretty deep self pity. I feel like I have lost my whole family. My oldest daughter is doing very well, but she's not as happy, and giddy like she used to be especially during the holidays. Is it because we are all older? When I was young I used to dream about the holidays with my own children.…

Finally my episode is over! Whew! Every time I go through these episodes I gotta wonder if I'll live through it. This was a bad one no doubt about it. The nightmares were horrible. The anger was fierce, and the sadness overwhelming. I'm not sure if I learned anything from this one because it's too soon, but I'm so glad to be somewhat back to normal. I haven't thrown a temper tantrum like that for a long time. Anything within my reach I threw. My bedroom was a mess, and my house was also a…

It has really been rough lately. Lil Dels birthday, the weather getting cold, and raising heck with my arthritis, and the topper, having to put down our precious dog Zero. I posted about Zero on facebook today. I wanted to wait to say anything about it out of respect for my husband, and Zero. Anyway my husbands cousin wrote, and said "Playing God is the worst part of owning a pet." I felt as if I had been slapped in the face. I thought she knew me better than that. I don't consider putting…

Today at 5:15 pm our best friend Zero went to heaven. The discs in his lower spine were slipped, and cutting off the nerves to his back legs. A few years back a man with no heart I presume, rolled our Zero down the gravel road right in front of my husband, and on purpose. That was the beginning of the end for our wonderful dog Zero. Since then Zero has had trouble with his hips, and back legs. It's a strange thing, but he had been acting like a pup for the last few weeks until this passed…

I played football today with a boy who said he didn't like me. Those few simple words tore my heart out. Yesterday I opened my computer and there was a picture of a tattoo that my husbands nephew just got on his arm. It was a picture of a cross with both of my sons names on it. It tore me up. Needless to say I didn't sleep at all last night. I have been feeling so good inside, and then one picture tore me to tears. It seems that along the way I always get blindsided by things like this. I'm…

Last night I was reading Jo B's blog about all the why's. Then I read the response from Dennis C. I went to the biblical site that he recommended. I have been afraid to read a lot of the bible because I wanted to keep believing the way my heart has led me too. I read the scriptures on the page. There it was. My heart was right. God does not do these awful things that happen to us on this earth. The truth is when man allowed sin to enter into him, he also allowed satan to take over. It is…

Another October has come, and gone. I prepared for the worst. I was ready to fall down, but instead I only wobbled a little. Is that a sign? Am I healing? Some days I have to wonder if I'm setting myself up for the big one. Oh well. I guess I'll take it as it comes. I feel different this year. I feel less fearful. I feel less depressed. I almost feel like part of the old me has come back. Is my heart getting hard or is it finally ready to accept the things that I cant change? In 2 weeks it…