I played football today with a boy who said he didn't like me. Those few simple words tore my heart out. Yesterday I opened my computer and there was a picture of a tattoo that my husbands nephew just got on his arm. It was a picture of a cross with both of my sons names on it. It tore me up. Needless to say I didn't sleep at all last night. I have been feeling so good inside, and then one picture tore me to tears. It seems that along the way I always get blindsided by things like this. I'm not angry he got the tattoo, but I wish someone would've warned me first. Another thing I have no control over. I don't know how I will feel when I see it up close and personal, and i'm sure I will see it one day. There's just no getting away from it. I cried at first, and then I tried to cry harder, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. Maybe I have no more tears left? Maybe I am all cried out? Maybe because time has been such a good friend to me, or maybe I finally see the light. Not maybe! I do see the light! I can feel the love that I thought I'd never feel again. I feel the sunshine! I'm just so glad I can feel again!

There's this one boy at the daycare that told me a few weeks ago that he didn't like me at all. Those words hurt deeply. I have carried those words for weeks. Today I took all of the older kids outside to play. I gave them musical toys, soccer balls, and footballs. While they were playing a couple of boys wouldn't let this one boy,(the one who said he didn't like me) play with them. So I grabbed another football, and I started throwing it to him. I showed him how to hold the ball, and how to throw it. We tossed that football back and forth for over a half an hour. Every time he caught the ball I told him how good he could catch. When he didn't catch the ball, I told him good try! I began the process of creating a positive atmosphere with this boy! I did that! I can still see the smile on his face, and the joy in that smile. It reminded me of a time when I played with my own boys, and made me smile too! I know life will never be the same, and I know that there will be days when I will have trouble getting out of bed, but I also know that the light is shining in my heart, and soul. I know now that God did not take my children. I know God doesn't go around giving miracles to some, and not others. I know that God loves me, and that He is good! You can call me a fool, and you can call me crazy, but I call me a believer. I saw God in the eyes of the boy who said he didn't like me. I see God in every child whose boo boos I kiss, whose naughty behavior I have to tend to, and I see God in the eyes of every baby I feed, change diapers for, and hold in my arms. God is here. He's here in my heart, and soul. I lived in darkness, anger, and deep sorrow for many years. I thought God had forgot about me. He didn't for get me. He patiently waited for my anger, sorrow, and darkness to subside. God knew he couldn't get through to me while I was in deep despair, but he did hold me up, and he was there. I couldn't feel God before, but I feel him now. I feel him everyday. Even in my darkest days I feel God's arms holding me tight. Even though I am still, and always will be a big sinner, I can still feel Gods love. Otherwise how did I survive not one death but the deaths of both of my boys? How did I get to where I am today? I fought God tooth, and nail for many years. I gave God the boot out of my life. Yet here I am today, feeling, and loving, and most days joyful. How did this happen if there is no God? For a long time I did not want to live. I did not want to feel joy, or happiness, or anything. I fought the good stuff all the way, but still it got through to me. I still have times when my heart breaks, and I miss my children more than I could ever imagine, but now I can feel the comfort from God that I thought was gone. God comes to me now in those dark days. Of course not in a physical way, but in a way that's just too hard to explain. He speaks to me. Of course not in words, but in ways my heart understands.  I felt it today when I played football with the little boy who didn't like me. A simple game of catch with a football gave me a joy that I was so happy to receive. I think that's why I had to go through all of the suffering, and all of the pain. Because I needed to be ready, and willing to receive the good stuff. Greif is a terrible process, but it comes with death, and it's a part of life. That don't make it any easier, but it is the truth. This may not be true for everyone, but it's my truth, and I'll take it!