Morning again, I long for when I would wake and look forward to the day ahead, to just getting up and having a good cup of coffee.  Now when I open my eyes, usually before my alarm goes off, it's like waking into a nightmare.

I close my eyes and try to sleep more, usually that doesn't work.  I try to meditate, by focusing on my breathing, that just brings back horrible memories.  Then I submit to being conscious again, and try to stay calm, all the while the deep sadness and…

I slept more last night than I have since my wife passed, over 8 hours altogether.  But, I cheated, I took two Tylenol pm's before bed. 

I woke up and had a few waves of anxiety roll over me, they seem to be subsiding now.  Fear of the future hitting me, fear of never feeling close to someone again, fear of becoming some reclusive old man. Thinking of my sisters father in law, who lost his wife ten years ago when he was 56 years old (just a few years older than me).  He has…

I had a rough day, my mind went to some pretty dark places. I just got off the phone with my sister,she has been my savior.  

Tonight was no exception, she pointed out something from that night that may enable me to escape from a guilt loop that has been plaguing me.  

I still haven't figured out the whole evening thing, where I usually feel at least less bad in the evening.  But, it is a definite observable phenomena in myself.

My mind is calm…

Ugh........I am awake.

What I miss the most.

The companionship, the feeling of someone I love is always with me no matter where in the world I may be.

My sons mother, my son is a special needs young man, no one will ever love him as his mother did again.

The comfort, when I was ill or hurting.

The loss of hope of ever returning our relationship to what it was before alcohol and prescription meds got a hold of her.

I slept for 7 hours last…

Missing her so much.  

What is the evolutionary purpose of grieving?  How does it further the dominance of humanity?  What other species experience this? Seems like a cruel joke. 

I changed my profile photo again today.  The totally black image really was too dark, although I have been to some pretty dark places the last two days, it needed changed.  You can see it is now just a blank expression, black and white emoticon.  More symbolic of my evening moods, mornings still need to figure out.

Still miss my wife in the evenings, but my head doesn't spin with a high levels of anxiety.

I have an engineering degree and appreciate sound…

Winter was harsh but, springs now comes to my part of the world.  And so more reminders of my wife.  

The bluebirds are nesting in one of our nest boxes, they have for years.  And I would sneak a few peeks into the nest boxes to journal the eggs and young, and share with Cheryl.

I live in the country and the evening come alive now with "peepers", countless small frogs singing for mates.  We would listen to that and truly feel the rebirth of…

Evenings are generally easier for me,  tonight, oddly, no exception.  I wonder if I really do just emotionally exhaust myself by this time and become numb.  

My thoughts of my wife seem to be restrained, my mind can go other places right now.  I need to learn feel this way more of the day.

I was quite a mess until I spoke with the therapist today.  It was just a conversation, I did most of the talking, yet that was the turning point of the day.  After that much…

All the "what if's" that play in my head, all focus on some small event that could have changed the tragic outcome of one month ago.  It's hard not to consider fate to be real. 

I have a health issue that has developed over the last two months.  Back problems causing increasing numbness and discomfort in both legs.  My wife was a nurse and always seemed to be fulfilled by helping me or my son.  This mornings "what if" is, I wonder, if my issues had been this significant one…

How long will it be until I wake and actually look forward to the day?  Instead of thinking, "not again."

I changed my profile picture.  It had been one of my wife and I when we were young and passionately in love.  But every time I looked at it I hurt.  So now it is just a black void, more reflective of how I feel.

I don't know if writing these things helps or hurts. Perhaps I should only write positive affirmations, you know the things we've all heard with our…

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*                             Alone in the prison of…

This morning I tried scream therapy.  I went out into my detached garage before my son woke and let out everything.  I thought it might help, it didn't. 

I spoke with my sister on the phone for about an hour and a half, that usually helps, but not today.

Went for a long walk with my son in the park, under blue skies, felt a little less bad.  I guess that's something.

Took my son to a bakery we both like and bought few cookies took them to…

I slept almost 8 hours last night, that's the most since my wife died.  I just used the word "died" I have been avoiding it, instead usually choosing something else.  I guess other words don't define the finality of the event in my mind as much as the word "died".  

Last night for several hours, I did not feel too bad and attributed it to letting everything out in my car.  That may not have been the cause.  The second doctor I saw gave me some "Lyrica" to help with the…

It has been a day.  The morning was very difficult. I woke up to once again face the reality of my wife being gone but also have had leg numbness and pain of various levels for last 2 months. 

Long story short saw 2 doctors today both recommended I see a neurosurgeon.  That has scared me. Along with triggering how much I missed my wife, she was a nurse so I always had a trusted medical professional to rely on.  I now wonder what next?

After leaving the second…

Oh shit, another day in this horrible reality.

My therapist says I have complicated grief.  Here's  one of the reasons.  Since my wife died my son has told me many disturbing things.  My son is 19 and mentally challenged.

He confessed to me that for close to the last 2 years my wife has been drinking.  Not only drinking but allowing my son to drink with her.  And it progressed, it started with beer, then smoking cigarettes and cigars, then adding hard liqueur,  and most recently they started smoking marijuana.…

So yesterday I got my wifes toxicology report and it confirmed my suspicions.  Based on the level of oxymorphone/Opana in her blood she was probably beyond being saved.  Last night I thought about it and guilt for mistaking her for being drunk and nothing else has subsided (at least for now ).  However it has been replaced in my head with conversations I wish I had had that night with her.  The "what if" game as I call it, would a single word have changed the outcome?  I get stuck in looping…

My wife passed away on March 13.  

We met on December 3, 1983.  She was my true love.  I feel all of the emotions described by many others on this site.  I think the worst is the deep, engulfing loneliness and feelings of abandonment.  

The first 20 years of our marriage although not perfect were wonderful.  I wanted her with me every minute.  I travel with my job and no matter where I was in the world it all seemed to be in black and white, she truly did,…