Mark
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  • Pittsburgh, PA
  • United States
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Latest Activity

Mark and Kia are now friends
Jun 18, 2015
Mark left a comment for Diana, Grief Counselor
"Hi Diana,  I have an acquaintance that anxious to join.  Could you please review your requests to join at your earliest convenience. Thanks in advance Mark"
Jun 11, 2015
rachel_micele commented on Mark's blog post I think I am moving
"I don't know if you will ever read this Mark. I'm sorry to hear you were not finding your needs met here. I've been on this site for probably about 3 weeks now and I did post on a previous one of yours thanking you for your writings.…"
May 31, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

I think I am moving

Thank you to everyone that has responded in some way to my blog and my posts.  The interaction has helped.It has not been enough for me though.  As I have said in previous posts; I need, want, and deeply crave human interaction.  And when I write three or for blog posts in a row that are read by few and not commented on, it just causes more feelings of isolation and loneliness.  So I am moving my online grief operations to the Alliance of Hope website.  It is specifically for family members of…See More
May 26, 2015
Mark posted blog posts
May 25, 2015
Mark commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, I am sorry you have fallen back into the abyss.  Most days I spend pushing through them like a drone.  Moving and doing what is expected of me, filling the squares required by the tragic loss.  Those are the worst. But, I…"
May 23, 2015
Dolly commented on Mark's blog post My Mind's Games
"nobody knows what it's like to walk around with a hole in your soul... until it happens to them... so sorry you had to find out too..."
May 23, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

My Mind's Games

Yesterday morning was difficult.   I had another doctors appointment.  I get anxious waiting in those little rooms that you get placed in while waiting your turn to see the doctor.  My mind immediately went to missing Cheryl, she was a nurse, she was my comfort.  And whenever I had some significant health issue she would accompany me and usually wait in the little rooms with me so it didn't seem like a prison cell.  I almost lost it while waiting alone there.  The doctor finally saw me, asked…See More
May 23, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

The End of Times is Near

When I was driving home from a doctors appointment this morning around 11 a.m. I saw something I have never seen in my life.  I was on a major highway a few miles from the airport, and saw a large pickup pulled off on the side of the road ahead.  The pickup truck was a large double cab, the type a lot of contractors like to drive.  The doors were open on the side opposite the road, and as got closer I saw man moving rapidly back and forth by the door.  A little closer and it was clear as day,…See More
May 21, 2015
Mark commented on Mark's blog post My Mother
"Thanks AnneJ,  I love your descriptive comments.  I write here to try to let things out, I don't have enough close friends to talk to as much as I want.   I feel that I am wearing out their ears.  So, it's comforting to…"
May 20, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

Layers

I have not written anything in three days.  My world has not improved in that time. Cheryl is still gone and my heart remains empty.  The world continues to turn, yet for me time remains frozen on 13 March, I can not disengaged from the events of that night.  The last time I wrote here was 3 days ago. At that time I had a couple of physically good days.  I have had back issues flare up since this began and a least they were diminishing at that time.  Since then they have come back.  Layered on…See More
May 20, 2015
Mark and Alexandra Raphaela are now friends
May 17, 2015
Mark updated their profile
May 17, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

My Mother

Yesterday I was alone at home, my son had gone over to a friends house.  I did not want to remain there alone so I decided to go visit my mother.  My mother is 88 years old, has severe dementia, can no longer walk, and she is nearly blind.  She has been in a nursing home for the last 7 years.When I visit my mother now, the best I can hope for is a moment or two of cognition, when she behaves in a way where she seems to understand what I am saying.  Even then she usually doesn't recognize me.…See More
May 17, 2015
Linda Wishart commented on Mark's blog post Betrayal -- Randy--Anger--Loneliness
"Spinning sceneriors around in your head is not so abn o rmal. I do that with my daughter death, and the "what if.. . Or. I wonder her thoughts at her moment of death. I run all kinds of questiins about what happened; reality is she was sick in…"
May 17, 2015
Mark commented on Mark's blog post No Magic in the World
"Morgan thank you for the comments.  "Order to entropy", that's very similar to what Cheryl would say, "Entropy wins in the end".   And it does according to current theories, in countless trillions of years all…"
May 16, 2015

Profile Information

About Me:
I am a 53 year old man.
About my Loss:
On March 13, 2015 I lost my wife of 30 years. My wife has had significant health issues for the last 10 but none were life threatening.

My wife big problem was an addiction to prescription pain killers and alcohol.

Four years ago the drugs and alcohol had gotten completely out of hand. We had a fight one night regarding it and the next day she attempted suicide with alcohol and drugs. Fortunately I got home in time was able to get her help soon enough that she lived. And I stipulated for her to come back home after that that she complete an alcohol rehab program.

On 13 march she called me from a bar needing a ride home, she was too drunk to drive. I did not know she was drinking again. I got her home and to bed. Later that night my son checked on her and she was blue and not breathing. She had succeeded in killing herself.

There are many more details, and I will get into them if I stay active on this website. I need an outlet to express myself to others that have had similar losses.
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Mark's Blog

I think I am moving

Thank you to everyone that has responded in some way to my blog and my posts.  The interaction has helped.

It has not been enough for me though.  As I have said in previous posts; I need, want, and deeply crave human interaction.  And when I write three or for blog posts in a row that are read by few and not commented on, it just causes more feelings of isolation and loneliness.  

So I am moving my online grief operations to the Alliance of Hope website.  It is…

Continue

Posted on May 26, 2015 at 9:04am — 3 Comments

Memories

Yesterday I said I was not going to dwell on the loss of my wife Cheryl, today I am, at least in this blog post.

It's another morning and I have been lying in bed for a few hours hoping to fall back asleep.  But I have had no luck.  My mind of course has been thinking of Cheryl.  Of the more than 31 years we knew each other, and how we had so many experiences together that we could always share a private laugh.  And now those memories are only mine.  They feel like such a…

Continue

Posted on May 25, 2015 at 8:30am

Trying not to dwell on my loss

I am awake again, and have some anxiety.  When thoughts that I know just lead to pain have been entering my head, I try to change the subject.  Not having much luck right now, but I will continue doing it.  

I need to start to prepare for a trip on Tuesday.  Once again, I am going to attempt to return to work.  I failed a few weeks ago when I tried.  The physical and mental discomfort I felt while I waited at the gate for my delayed flight, led to a breakdown at the airport.…

Continue

Posted on May 24, 2015 at 9:54am

My Mind's Games

Yesterday morning was difficult.   I had another doctors appointment.  I get anxious waiting in those little rooms that you get placed in while waiting your turn to see the doctor.  My mind immediately went to missing Cheryl, she was a nurse, she was my comfort.  And whenever I had some significant health issue she would accompany me and usually wait in the little rooms with me so it didn't seem like a prison cell.  I almost lost it while waiting alone there.  The doctor finally saw me,…

Continue

Posted on May 23, 2015 at 8:00am — 1 Comment

Comment Wall (5 comments)

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At 4:26pm on May 14, 2015, JO B said…

iv bean sayin in chat 2 sinse i joind i can hav a grt rant in chat wear no 1 givs me grief coz of loss

sorry for yore loss if i did not say in chat

At 9:37pm on April 29, 2015, Naomi said…
Death is not a sadness to those who are gone. It is when you have loved that the living experience this hurt. Be happy you found love.
At 12:20am on April 16, 2015, morgan said…

I have read your blog over the last couple days and I just wanted to say how sorry I am.  Yours is a a very tragic circumstance and you have a very interesting way of expressing your thoughts and emotion surrounding your wife's death.  It is very sad that the high of everyday life for some is not enough and they choose to process reality from a very different perch.  I used to wonder and now I just admit we each live out our lives according to    no known manuals.  It's hit and miss or miss.  

I have endured the pain of this loss for over two years now and it has taken me a long time to come out of the fog of analyzing myself while examining the raison d etre for living.  And all I've come out with is a fervent hope that my own life is short.  I spent 35 years loving the man of my dreams and at 63 I've done and had everything I wanted.  But that is just me.  

My hope is that others never have to suffer the feelings and think the thoughts that have been my constant companion since Jan. 21, 2013 but I know that is false hope.  It's been a rugged, brutal, trip through my mind and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  It's why I come here, read and then write how I am.  Death a hard place to visit much less have to stay…. if only the silence was not so deafening.  

Take care……

At 9:01pm on April 11, 2015, MarieSte said…

Thank you for your kind words Mark, you will find this site offers great support.

At 3:20pm on April 10, 2015, JaneE said…

Hi Mark, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't believe time heals these kinds of wounds. They just become different, if that makes any sense. My  Childhood friend lost his Wife 4 yrs ago and he was extremely broken for the first two years. He then went to every grief meeting he could find and met others just like him to talk/cry/vent to. I hope you go to grief/bereavement meetings. I'm fairly new to this site but One thing I know for sure is: No one can walk/live this journey alone and helping others,oddly, helps ourselves.  

 
 
 

Groups

Latest Activity

Janie m Snitko commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hope everybody has a loving good weekend and let's celebrate our Mom's for giving us life. I love you Mama!!"
2 hours ago
Linda Engberg replied to Jennifer's discussion They don't understand. in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, It has been 4 years since I lost my Husband and soulmate to cancer. My family and friends tell me that time will things better. To tell you the truth the only way I keep my sanity, is adopting a dog and seeing my therapist and…"
8 hours ago
KIM Montgomery replied to Jennifer's discussion They don't understand. in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, my husband passed May 2, 2017.  We had a wonderful marriage and we loved each other with all of our hearts.  Jack was an awesome person.  I am currently going through this with my own family.  I am away from my family…"
10 hours ago
KIM Montgomery commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello, well I made it through my 1st anniversary without him.  It was a really hard day, Wednesday.  I miss him like crazy and love him so much. Today I just feel numb.  All these stages of grief are exhausting.  Working full…"
15 hours ago
Mike H. posted a blog post

Repost: Is It Wrong to Grieve?

Is It Wrong to Grieve?Have you ever had a brief bout with illness? Perhaps you recovered so quickly that you have practically forgotten the episode. Well, grief is not like that. “There is no such thing as ‘getting over’ grief,” writes Dr. Alan Wolfelt in his book Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart. However, he adds: “Over time and with the support of others, your grief will soften.”As an example, consider how the patriarch Abraham reacted when his wife died. The Bible says that “Abraham began…See More
17 hours ago
Angela commented on Angela's blog post I lost My Mom
"I think because my daughter is giving me my first grand child it has blocked out some of the hurt I feel. Even though I am not crying I do think about my mom all the time, everyday"
yesterday
Alice Thompson commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, I remember when the anger started burning inside me too. It was horrible and ugly and scary, and immensely powerful. I felt afraid to open my mouth in front of others in case I screamed and yelled and told them what I thought of them and…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My mom loved Judge Judy. You couldn't convince her that was not a real courtroom. She also loved The Shark Tank and Everybody Loves Raymond. It all seems like just yesterday since we watched those shows together. I love those shows, too, but it…"
yesterday
John T. commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello AnneJ and everyone,  In a couple of weeks it will be 3 years since I lost all that mattered to me.  Six months ago I started unpacking and hung some pictures where I live now.  I did it out of embarrassment rather than a desire…"
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
":)"
yesterday
Jennifer added a discussion to the group Lost My Spouse...
Thumbnail

They don't understand.

How do you deal with well meaning family/friends who just don't understand what you're going through? 2 of my sisters-in-law still have their husbands.  One does not have a good marriage, she talks about her husband dying flippantly she says things like "I know if _____ died I would use the insurance money to go on that vacation he never wants to go on."  Then in the next breath "Are you still going on your cruise next year?  I could take (my husband's) place if you want so you're not alone."…See More
yesterday
Janie m Snitko commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Today was a good day! I love you and thank you so very much Mama! I think of you everyday while cleaning up your home and getting it ready for sale. It is still hard for me to go there and not seeing you watching Dr.Phil and judge Judy! I have not…"
yesterday
Beth Swansboro posted a status
"I am just learning this new place to talk. Not real sure how it works. I will stop in again. Thinking alot tonite of my husband. Sad."
yesterday
Beth Swansboro posted a status
"I get sad when I see family together. My son who is an only child I feel pain for. He lost the person he loved so much and talked to alot."
yesterday
Beth Swansboro posted a status
"Been reading the articles past few days. Lost my husband Nov. 2015. Not a day goes by I wish he were here. I will like being able to be here"
yesterday
Jennifer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Apparently, I have found the anger that my counselor and everyone else has been saying I was going to feel.  To this point, all I have felt is sad or numb.  Well, the last 2 days I have not been able to stand to see happy families.…"
yesterday
Diane commented on Angela's blog post I lost My Mom
"My mom had renal failure , she passed away December 2015. I still miss her everyday of my breathing, during this time I had broken my right wrist on a Friday Dec. 11 2015 my mom died on the 17. The pain was in so many directions, leaving the…"
yesterday
Diane posted a status
"It's been 2 years since my mom died, I still miss her , it will be 3 years really in December. I miss u mom. Love you so much,"
yesterday
Abigail Noell and Brenda Ann are now friends
yesterday
AnneJ commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi, Linda. I feel the same way as you. I feel like you could walk right into my home, sit down, and we wouldn't have to say a word and be completely understood by one another. It's been 3 years and 10 months since my Beloved man died, the…"
yesterday

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