Mark
  • Male
  • Pittsburgh, PA
  • United States
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Latest Activity

Mark and Kia are now friends
Jun 18, 2015
Mark left a comment for Diana, Grief Counselor
"Hi Diana,  I have an acquaintance that anxious to join.  Could you please review your requests to join at your earliest convenience. Thanks in advance Mark"
Jun 11, 2015
rachel_micele commented on Mark's blog post I think I am moving
"I don't know if you will ever read this Mark. I'm sorry to hear you were not finding your needs met here. I've been on this site for probably about 3 weeks now and I did post on a previous one of yours thanking you for your writings.…"
May 31, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

I think I am moving

Thank you to everyone that has responded in some way to my blog and my posts.  The interaction has helped.It has not been enough for me though.  As I have said in previous posts; I need, want, and deeply crave human interaction.  And when I write three or for blog posts in a row that are read by few and not commented on, it just causes more feelings of isolation and loneliness.  So I am moving my online grief operations to the Alliance of Hope website.  It is specifically for family members of…See More
May 26, 2015
Mark posted blog posts
May 25, 2015
Mark commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, I am sorry you have fallen back into the abyss.  Most days I spend pushing through them like a drone.  Moving and doing what is expected of me, filling the squares required by the tragic loss.  Those are the worst. But, I…"
May 23, 2015
Dolly commented on Mark's blog post My Mind's Games
"nobody knows what it's like to walk around with a hole in your soul... until it happens to them... so sorry you had to find out too..."
May 23, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

My Mind's Games

Yesterday morning was difficult.   I had another doctors appointment.  I get anxious waiting in those little rooms that you get placed in while waiting your turn to see the doctor.  My mind immediately went to missing Cheryl, she was a nurse, she was my comfort.  And whenever I had some significant health issue she would accompany me and usually wait in the little rooms with me so it didn't seem like a prison cell.  I almost lost it while waiting alone there.  The doctor finally saw me, asked…See More
May 23, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

The End of Times is Near

When I was driving home from a doctors appointment this morning around 11 a.m. I saw something I have never seen in my life.  I was on a major highway a few miles from the airport, and saw a large pickup pulled off on the side of the road ahead.  The pickup truck was a large double cab, the type a lot of contractors like to drive.  The doors were open on the side opposite the road, and as got closer I saw man moving rapidly back and forth by the door.  A little closer and it was clear as day,…See More
May 21, 2015
Mark commented on Mark's blog post My Mother
"Thanks AnneJ,  I love your descriptive comments.  I write here to try to let things out, I don't have enough close friends to talk to as much as I want.   I feel that I am wearing out their ears.  So, it's comforting to…"
May 20, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

Layers

I have not written anything in three days.  My world has not improved in that time. Cheryl is still gone and my heart remains empty.  The world continues to turn, yet for me time remains frozen on 13 March, I can not disengaged from the events of that night.  The last time I wrote here was 3 days ago. At that time I had a couple of physically good days.  I have had back issues flare up since this began and a least they were diminishing at that time.  Since then they have come back.  Layered on…See More
May 20, 2015
Mark and Alexandra Raphaela are now friends
May 17, 2015
Mark updated their profile
May 17, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

My Mother

Yesterday I was alone at home, my son had gone over to a friends house.  I did not want to remain there alone so I decided to go visit my mother.  My mother is 88 years old, has severe dementia, can no longer walk, and she is nearly blind.  She has been in a nursing home for the last 7 years.When I visit my mother now, the best I can hope for is a moment or two of cognition, when she behaves in a way where she seems to understand what I am saying.  Even then she usually doesn't recognize me.…See More
May 17, 2015
Linda Wishart commented on Mark's blog post Betrayal -- Randy--Anger--Loneliness
"Spinning sceneriors around in your head is not so abn o rmal. I do that with my daughter death, and the "what if.. . Or. I wonder her thoughts at her moment of death. I run all kinds of questiins about what happened; reality is she was sick in…"
May 17, 2015
Mark commented on Mark's blog post No Magic in the World
"Morgan thank you for the comments.  "Order to entropy", that's very similar to what Cheryl would say, "Entropy wins in the end".   And it does according to current theories, in countless trillions of years all…"
May 16, 2015

Profile Information

About Me:
I am a 53 year old man.
About my Loss:
On March 13, 2015 I lost my wife of 30 years. My wife has had significant health issues for the last 10 but none were life threatening.

My wife big problem was an addiction to prescription pain killers and alcohol.

Four years ago the drugs and alcohol had gotten completely out of hand. We had a fight one night regarding it and the next day she attempted suicide with alcohol and drugs. Fortunately I got home in time was able to get her help soon enough that she lived. And I stipulated for her to come back home after that that she complete an alcohol rehab program.

On 13 march she called me from a bar needing a ride home, she was too drunk to drive. I did not know she was drinking again. I got her home and to bed. Later that night my son checked on her and she was blue and not breathing. She had succeeded in killing herself.

There are many more details, and I will get into them if I stay active on this website. I need an outlet to express myself to others that have had similar losses.
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Mark's Blog

I think I am moving

Thank you to everyone that has responded in some way to my blog and my posts.  The interaction has helped.

It has not been enough for me though.  As I have said in previous posts; I need, want, and deeply crave human interaction.  And when I write three or for blog posts in a row that are read by few and not commented on, it just causes more feelings of isolation and loneliness.  

So I am moving my online grief operations to the Alliance of Hope website.  It is…

Continue

Posted on May 26, 2015 at 9:04am — 3 Comments

Memories

Yesterday I said I was not going to dwell on the loss of my wife Cheryl, today I am, at least in this blog post.

It's another morning and I have been lying in bed for a few hours hoping to fall back asleep.  But I have had no luck.  My mind of course has been thinking of Cheryl.  Of the more than 31 years we knew each other, and how we had so many experiences together that we could always share a private laugh.  And now those memories are only mine.  They feel like such a…

Continue

Posted on May 25, 2015 at 8:30am

Trying not to dwell on my loss

I am awake again, and have some anxiety.  When thoughts that I know just lead to pain have been entering my head, I try to change the subject.  Not having much luck right now, but I will continue doing it.  

I need to start to prepare for a trip on Tuesday.  Once again, I am going to attempt to return to work.  I failed a few weeks ago when I tried.  The physical and mental discomfort I felt while I waited at the gate for my delayed flight, led to a breakdown at the airport.…

Continue

Posted on May 24, 2015 at 9:54am

My Mind's Games

Yesterday morning was difficult.   I had another doctors appointment.  I get anxious waiting in those little rooms that you get placed in while waiting your turn to see the doctor.  My mind immediately went to missing Cheryl, she was a nurse, she was my comfort.  And whenever I had some significant health issue she would accompany me and usually wait in the little rooms with me so it didn't seem like a prison cell.  I almost lost it while waiting alone there.  The doctor finally saw me,…

Continue

Posted on May 23, 2015 at 8:00am — 1 Comment

Comment Wall (5 comments)

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At 4:26pm on May 14, 2015, JO B said…

iv bean sayin in chat 2 sinse i joind i can hav a grt rant in chat wear no 1 givs me grief coz of loss

sorry for yore loss if i did not say in chat

At 9:37pm on April 29, 2015, Naomi said…
Death is not a sadness to those who are gone. It is when you have loved that the living experience this hurt. Be happy you found love.
At 12:20am on April 16, 2015, morgan said…

I have read your blog over the last couple days and I just wanted to say how sorry I am.  Yours is a a very tragic circumstance and you have a very interesting way of expressing your thoughts and emotion surrounding your wife's death.  It is very sad that the high of everyday life for some is not enough and they choose to process reality from a very different perch.  I used to wonder and now I just admit we each live out our lives according to    no known manuals.  It's hit and miss or miss.  

I have endured the pain of this loss for over two years now and it has taken me a long time to come out of the fog of analyzing myself while examining the raison d etre for living.  And all I've come out with is a fervent hope that my own life is short.  I spent 35 years loving the man of my dreams and at 63 I've done and had everything I wanted.  But that is just me.  

My hope is that others never have to suffer the feelings and think the thoughts that have been my constant companion since Jan. 21, 2013 but I know that is false hope.  It's been a rugged, brutal, trip through my mind and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  It's why I come here, read and then write how I am.  Death a hard place to visit much less have to stay…. if only the silence was not so deafening.  

Take care……

At 9:01pm on April 11, 2015, MarieSte said…

Thank you for your kind words Mark, you will find this site offers great support.

At 3:20pm on April 10, 2015, JaneE said…

Hi Mark, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't believe time heals these kinds of wounds. They just become different, if that makes any sense. My  Childhood friend lost his Wife 4 yrs ago and he was extremely broken for the first two years. He then went to every grief meeting he could find and met others just like him to talk/cry/vent to. I hope you go to grief/bereavement meetings. I'm fairly new to this site but One thing I know for sure is: No one can walk/live this journey alone and helping others,oddly, helps ourselves.  

 
 
 

Latest Activity

Kevin Bailey commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"It is sad Trina but it is our truth. When my wife was here I'd dream about the good times that we would have when the kids finally cleared out. How I could really turn all the attention to her and spoil her, take her out and have date nights,…"
3 hours ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa Thank you for your words of encouragement. I hope you are right. I pray that you find some enjoyment on your day off. Sending hugs and love you way, Bluebell"
3 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Bluebell, being a hospice nurse has to be tough I think you are right because of your own experience you will be stronger than you think. I am off today and I am going to run errands it helps to occupy my mind, but not completely.  "
6 hours ago
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I just read the recent posts and wanted to say how only this evening I was thanking the universe that we humans are mortal. Whether it takes another 30 years (and like Jackie the thought of another 30 years terrifies me and saddens me beyond words)…"
8 hours ago
Jackie cooke commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Your so right, a charade describes it exactly, just pretending all the time. I to have been left with not knowing how to do the bills, there is no money anyway now, I never did any of the finance stuff and the suddenness of her death meant there was…"
9 hours ago
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Digging deeper in my hole again........of course I'm not sure I mean, again......it seems like i think I emerge but then there I am again........digging furiously so I can escape.  This is the hardest, most painful, most misunderstood…"
12 hours ago
Kevin Bailey commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I was in denial even when they was talking about hospice. I was thinking she's not going anywhere, we're in recovery mood but I do need a nurse to help me with some things. Cancer is a wicked disease and it took my beautiful wife through…"
12 hours ago
Kathleen Jordan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I soo believe that....I see him, or feel him every day...It's hard to stay posititve...but   it works"
13 hours ago
Crystal joined Katherine Ellis's group
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Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.See More
14 hours ago
Crystal commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Yeah, Ben was told 5 months at christmas, but he made it 3 months. It was fast and aggressive. He was on hospice for 1.5 months. He was up and walking around after his brain surgery in july, did great all the way till chriatmas, but the cancer came…"
14 hours ago
Kathleen Jordan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Crystal...you were lucky to have enough  time to learn while he was on hospice....I had 3  whole days of coherence.  But, I seriously did appreciate  it, even though he thought he was going to make 6 months"
14 hours ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I have been blessed with a very understanding set of people at work. They have told me to take my time coming back to work and have ask if there is anything they can do to help, just ask. They knew how much my life was centered on taking care of my…"
14 hours ago
Heather commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Theresa, It is the same for me in terms of my job. I'm a special education assistant and have worked with kids for over 20 years with varying special needs. The last 5 years I have specialized in working with children with autism. I started…"
15 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Heather I feel the same way and the weather here has been the same I'm in Pennsylvania You were not rambling It just lets me know I'm not alone Are used to always look forward to summer to go to the pool see my friends now I feel like I…"
15 hours ago
Heather commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Theresa, I understand what you are talking about. I work in a very large school and have been there for 3 years and no one acknowledged or asked about how my mom was doing (I had to take some days off in the last month of the last school year to…"
17 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"No Bluebell, any death is difficult for all of us right now. Sometimes though I feel numb towards others that have lost a loved one I have people come in to my place of employment all the time (jewelry store) that have lost parents and they seem so…"
17 hours ago
Crystal commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Same here. I've never been on my own. His beING on hospice , though he was able to stay at home, he was completely immobile, so I learned how to do all the things most men would do naturally, even paying bills, which I never have done. So he…"
18 hours ago
Jackie cooke commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I know, it shouldn't have happend and the thought of another 30 odd years alone terrifies me"
19 hours ago
Crystal commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"When I said "til death do us part" during our wedding vows, I never thought that that would ever happen.. I didn't mean it. He's still apart of me."
19 hours ago
Jackie cooke commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm just the same,,it's still we, us, ours I don't want to be I, me or mine. I signed an email jackie n Shirl the other day, realised what I'd done and it nearly killed me. I never want to be a single person"
21 hours ago

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