Mark
  • Male
  • Pittsburgh, PA
  • United States
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About Me:
I am a 53 year old man.
About my Loss:
On March 13, 2015 I lost my wife of 30 years. My wife has had significant health issues for the last 10 but none were life threatening.

My wife big problem was an addiction to prescription pain killers and alcohol.

Four years ago the drugs and alcohol had gotten completely out of hand. We had a fight one night regarding it and the next day she attempted suicide with alcohol and drugs. Fortunately I got home in time was able to get her help soon enough that she lived. And I stipulated for her to come back home after that that she complete an alcohol rehab program.

On 13 march she called me from a bar needing a ride home, she was too drunk to drive. I did not know she was drinking again. I got her home and to bed. Later that night my son checked on her and she was blue and not breathing. She had succeeded in killing herself.

There are many more details, and I will get into them if I stay active on this website. I need an outlet to express myself to others that have had similar losses.
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Mark's Blog

I think I am moving

Thank you to everyone that has responded in some way to my blog and my posts.  The interaction has helped.

It has not been enough for me though.  As I have said in previous posts; I need, want, and deeply crave human interaction.  And when I write three or for blog posts in a row that are read by few and not commented on, it just causes more feelings of isolation and loneliness.  

So I am moving my online grief operations to the Alliance of Hope website.  It is…

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Posted on May 26, 2015 at 9:04am — 3 Comments

Memories

Yesterday I said I was not going to dwell on the loss of my wife Cheryl, today I am, at least in this blog post.

It's another morning and I have been lying in bed for a few hours hoping to fall back asleep.  But I have had no luck.  My mind of course has been thinking of Cheryl.  Of the more than 31 years we knew each other, and how we had so many experiences together that we could always share a private laugh.  And now those memories are only mine.  They feel like such a…

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Posted on May 25, 2015 at 8:30am

Trying not to dwell on my loss

I am awake again, and have some anxiety.  When thoughts that I know just lead to pain have been entering my head, I try to change the subject.  Not having much luck right now, but I will continue doing it.  

I need to start to prepare for a trip on Tuesday.  Once again, I am going to attempt to return to work.  I failed a few weeks ago when I tried.  The physical and mental discomfort I felt while I waited at the gate for my delayed flight, led to a breakdown at the airport.…

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Posted on May 24, 2015 at 9:54am

My Mind's Games

Yesterday morning was difficult.   I had another doctors appointment.  I get anxious waiting in those little rooms that you get placed in while waiting your turn to see the doctor.  My mind immediately went to missing Cheryl, she was a nurse, she was my comfort.  And whenever I had some significant health issue she would accompany me and usually wait in the little rooms with me so it didn't seem like a prison cell.  I almost lost it while waiting alone there.  The doctor finally saw me,…

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Posted on May 23, 2015 at 8:00am — 1 Comment

Comment Wall (5 comments)

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At 4:26pm on May 14, 2015, JO B said…

iv bean sayin in chat 2 sinse i joind i can hav a grt rant in chat wear no 1 givs me grief coz of loss

sorry for yore loss if i did not say in chat

At 9:37pm on April 29, 2015, Naomi said…
Death is not a sadness to those who are gone. It is when you have loved that the living experience this hurt. Be happy you found love.
At 12:20am on April 16, 2015, morgan said…

I have read your blog over the last couple days and I just wanted to say how sorry I am.  Yours is a a very tragic circumstance and you have a very interesting way of expressing your thoughts and emotion surrounding your wife's death.  It is very sad that the high of everyday life for some is not enough and they choose to process reality from a very different perch.  I used to wonder and now I just admit we each live out our lives according to    no known manuals.  It's hit and miss or miss.  

I have endured the pain of this loss for over two years now and it has taken me a long time to come out of the fog of analyzing myself while examining the raison d etre for living.  And all I've come out with is a fervent hope that my own life is short.  I spent 35 years loving the man of my dreams and at 63 I've done and had everything I wanted.  But that is just me.  

My hope is that others never have to suffer the feelings and think the thoughts that have been my constant companion since Jan. 21, 2013 but I know that is false hope.  It's been a rugged, brutal, trip through my mind and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  It's why I come here, read and then write how I am.  Death a hard place to visit much less have to stay…. if only the silence was not so deafening.  

Take care……

At 9:01pm on April 11, 2015, MarieSte said…

Thank you for your kind words Mark, you will find this site offers great support.

At 3:20pm on April 10, 2015, JaneE said…

Hi Mark, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't believe time heals these kinds of wounds. They just become different, if that makes any sense. My  Childhood friend lost his Wife 4 yrs ago and he was extremely broken for the first two years. He then went to every grief meeting he could find and met others just like him to talk/cry/vent to. I hope you go to grief/bereavement meetings. I'm fairly new to this site but One thing I know for sure is: No one can walk/live this journey alone and helping others,oddly, helps ourselves.  

 
 
 

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Profile Iconkiran singh, Cheyenne Steffen, Emma Milner and 3 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
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Louise joined Desiree's group
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When will the ache subside?

A group for people who have lost loved ones with prolonged suffering. For those of us who have seen that the end is coming, and had to watch the ones we love creep toward it.
20 hours ago
Louise replied to Ashley Lounsbury's discussion I lost my daddy to suicide.
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20 hours ago
Louise posted a blog post

Does Counselling Really Help?

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I lost my daddy to suicide.

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Elderley Abuse Mum died

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Mel Royer posted a blog post

Letter to My Nancy #602 one of my daily letters to my lady

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