Mark
  • Male
  • Pittsburgh, PA
  • United States
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Latest Activity

Mark and Kia are now friends
Jun 18, 2015
Mark left a comment for Diana, Grief Counselor
"Hi Diana,  I have an acquaintance that anxious to join.  Could you please review your requests to join at your earliest convenience. Thanks in advance Mark"
Jun 11, 2015
rachel_micele commented on Mark's blog post I think I am moving
"I don't know if you will ever read this Mark. I'm sorry to hear you were not finding your needs met here. I've been on this site for probably about 3 weeks now and I did post on a previous one of yours thanking you for your writings.…"
May 31, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

I think I am moving

Thank you to everyone that has responded in some way to my blog and my posts.  The interaction has helped.It has not been enough for me though.  As I have said in previous posts; I need, want, and deeply crave human interaction.  And when I write three or for blog posts in a row that are read by few and not commented on, it just causes more feelings of isolation and loneliness.  So I am moving my online grief operations to the Alliance of Hope website.  It is specifically for family members of…See More
May 26, 2015
Mark posted blog posts
May 25, 2015
Mark commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, I am sorry you have fallen back into the abyss.  Most days I spend pushing through them like a drone.  Moving and doing what is expected of me, filling the squares required by the tragic loss.  Those are the worst. But, I…"
May 23, 2015
Dolly commented on Mark's blog post My Mind's Games
"nobody knows what it's like to walk around with a hole in your soul... until it happens to them... so sorry you had to find out too..."
May 23, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

My Mind's Games

Yesterday morning was difficult.   I had another doctors appointment.  I get anxious waiting in those little rooms that you get placed in while waiting your turn to see the doctor.  My mind immediately went to missing Cheryl, she was a nurse, she was my comfort.  And whenever I had some significant health issue she would accompany me and usually wait in the little rooms with me so it didn't seem like a prison cell.  I almost lost it while waiting alone there.  The doctor finally saw me, asked…See More
May 23, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

The End of Times is Near

When I was driving home from a doctors appointment this morning around 11 a.m. I saw something I have never seen in my life.  I was on a major highway a few miles from the airport, and saw a large pickup pulled off on the side of the road ahead.  The pickup truck was a large double cab, the type a lot of contractors like to drive.  The doors were open on the side opposite the road, and as got closer I saw man moving rapidly back and forth by the door.  A little closer and it was clear as day,…See More
May 21, 2015
Mark commented on Mark's blog post My Mother
"Thanks AnneJ,  I love your descriptive comments.  I write here to try to let things out, I don't have enough close friends to talk to as much as I want.   I feel that I am wearing out their ears.  So, it's comforting to…"
May 20, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

Layers

I have not written anything in three days.  My world has not improved in that time. Cheryl is still gone and my heart remains empty.  The world continues to turn, yet for me time remains frozen on 13 March, I can not disengaged from the events of that night.  The last time I wrote here was 3 days ago. At that time I had a couple of physically good days.  I have had back issues flare up since this began and a least they were diminishing at that time.  Since then they have come back.  Layered on…See More
May 20, 2015
Mark and Alexandra Raphaela are now friends
May 17, 2015
Mark updated their profile
May 17, 2015
Mark posted a blog post

My Mother

Yesterday I was alone at home, my son had gone over to a friends house.  I did not want to remain there alone so I decided to go visit my mother.  My mother is 88 years old, has severe dementia, can no longer walk, and she is nearly blind.  She has been in a nursing home for the last 7 years.When I visit my mother now, the best I can hope for is a moment or two of cognition, when she behaves in a way where she seems to understand what I am saying.  Even then she usually doesn't recognize me.…See More
May 17, 2015
Linda Wishart commented on Mark's blog post Betrayal -- Randy--Anger--Loneliness
"Spinning sceneriors around in your head is not so abn o rmal. I do that with my daughter death, and the "what if.. . Or. I wonder her thoughts at her moment of death. I run all kinds of questiins about what happened; reality is she was sick in…"
May 17, 2015
Mark commented on Mark's blog post No Magic in the World
"Morgan thank you for the comments.  "Order to entropy", that's very similar to what Cheryl would say, "Entropy wins in the end".   And it does according to current theories, in countless trillions of years all…"
May 16, 2015

Profile Information

About Me:
I am a 53 year old man.
About my Loss:
On March 13, 2015 I lost my wife of 30 years. My wife has had significant health issues for the last 10 but none were life threatening.

My wife big problem was an addiction to prescription pain killers and alcohol.

Four years ago the drugs and alcohol had gotten completely out of hand. We had a fight one night regarding it and the next day she attempted suicide with alcohol and drugs. Fortunately I got home in time was able to get her help soon enough that she lived. And I stipulated for her to come back home after that that she complete an alcohol rehab program.

On 13 march she called me from a bar needing a ride home, she was too drunk to drive. I did not know she was drinking again. I got her home and to bed. Later that night my son checked on her and she was blue and not breathing. She had succeeded in killing herself.

There are many more details, and I will get into them if I stay active on this website. I need an outlet to express myself to others that have had similar losses.
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Mark's Blog

I think I am moving

Thank you to everyone that has responded in some way to my blog and my posts.  The interaction has helped.

It has not been enough for me though.  As I have said in previous posts; I need, want, and deeply crave human interaction.  And when I write three or for blog posts in a row that are read by few and not commented on, it just causes more feelings of isolation and loneliness.  

So I am moving my online grief operations to the Alliance of Hope website.  It is…

Continue

Posted on May 26, 2015 at 9:04am — 3 Comments

Memories

Yesterday I said I was not going to dwell on the loss of my wife Cheryl, today I am, at least in this blog post.

It's another morning and I have been lying in bed for a few hours hoping to fall back asleep.  But I have had no luck.  My mind of course has been thinking of Cheryl.  Of the more than 31 years we knew each other, and how we had so many experiences together that we could always share a private laugh.  And now those memories are only mine.  They feel like such a…

Continue

Posted on May 25, 2015 at 8:30am

Trying not to dwell on my loss

I am awake again, and have some anxiety.  When thoughts that I know just lead to pain have been entering my head, I try to change the subject.  Not having much luck right now, but I will continue doing it.  

I need to start to prepare for a trip on Tuesday.  Once again, I am going to attempt to return to work.  I failed a few weeks ago when I tried.  The physical and mental discomfort I felt while I waited at the gate for my delayed flight, led to a breakdown at the airport.…

Continue

Posted on May 24, 2015 at 9:54am

My Mind's Games

Yesterday morning was difficult.   I had another doctors appointment.  I get anxious waiting in those little rooms that you get placed in while waiting your turn to see the doctor.  My mind immediately went to missing Cheryl, she was a nurse, she was my comfort.  And whenever I had some significant health issue she would accompany me and usually wait in the little rooms with me so it didn't seem like a prison cell.  I almost lost it while waiting alone there.  The doctor finally saw me,…

Continue

Posted on May 23, 2015 at 8:00am — 1 Comment

Comment Wall (5 comments)

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At 4:26pm on May 14, 2015, JO B said…

iv bean sayin in chat 2 sinse i joind i can hav a grt rant in chat wear no 1 givs me grief coz of loss

sorry for yore loss if i did not say in chat

At 9:37pm on April 29, 2015, Naomi said…
Death is not a sadness to those who are gone. It is when you have loved that the living experience this hurt. Be happy you found love.
At 12:20am on April 16, 2015, morgan said…

I have read your blog over the last couple days and I just wanted to say how sorry I am.  Yours is a a very tragic circumstance and you have a very interesting way of expressing your thoughts and emotion surrounding your wife's death.  It is very sad that the high of everyday life for some is not enough and they choose to process reality from a very different perch.  I used to wonder and now I just admit we each live out our lives according to    no known manuals.  It's hit and miss or miss.  

I have endured the pain of this loss for over two years now and it has taken me a long time to come out of the fog of analyzing myself while examining the raison d etre for living.  And all I've come out with is a fervent hope that my own life is short.  I spent 35 years loving the man of my dreams and at 63 I've done and had everything I wanted.  But that is just me.  

My hope is that others never have to suffer the feelings and think the thoughts that have been my constant companion since Jan. 21, 2013 but I know that is false hope.  It's been a rugged, brutal, trip through my mind and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  It's why I come here, read and then write how I am.  Death a hard place to visit much less have to stay…. if only the silence was not so deafening.  

Take care……

At 9:01pm on April 11, 2015, MarieSte said…

Thank you for your kind words Mark, you will find this site offers great support.

At 3:20pm on April 10, 2015, JaneE said…

Hi Mark, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't believe time heals these kinds of wounds. They just become different, if that makes any sense. My  Childhood friend lost his Wife 4 yrs ago and he was extremely broken for the first two years. He then went to every grief meeting he could find and met others just like him to talk/cry/vent to. I hope you go to grief/bereavement meetings. I'm fairly new to this site but One thing I know for sure is: No one can walk/live this journey alone and helping others,oddly, helps ourselves.  

 
 
 

Latest Activity

KIM Montgomery left a comment for Nora
"Nora,  Our group is run through Kaiser and we meet every week.  It helps. I am actually thinking about individual counseling as well. Today was a really rough day.  I do know I have to come to work. Working from home I just want to…"
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Lost with out him replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Nora: I have been thinking about you and getting a job. How is that going? I think I remember you saying that you had to leave your job because they did not give you enough time off when your husband died? Of course I do not want to over step…"
4 hours ago
Nora replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Kim, How often do you have meetings? I found a group but they only meet eery 3 weeks. I am not sure yet. Thank you for sharing your daughter's experience. Steve's daughter was really grieving at the beginning but now she only…"
9 hours ago
KIM Montgomery replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Yes, that is exactly how I feel."
10 hours ago
KIM Montgomery replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Went to the 2nd session of support group.  Grief is grief and hurts no matter what the loss.  It hurts, you feel alone.  I have learned one thing from group is we are not alone. There are 2 different groups those that are…"
10 hours ago
Jean replied to Darlene's discussion My grief has made me feel numb from the neck down, has anyone else felt this?
"I had that feeling when my nephew called me and told me his brother had killed himself one year after my brother (their father) died. It was a weird sensation I have never felt before. From the top of my head all the way to my feet just a rush of ?…"
19 hours ago
Nora replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Kim, ladies, I just found some thought that actually explains how I feel now: Sounds familiar? Grieving and trying to be nice, crying and smiling to look nice next minute... It is a great movie anyway - watch when you can."
yesterday
Nora replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you, Jackie. Those horrible panic attacks just visit us often. Suddenly the whole world is turning black and no oxygen anymore. Jackie, I accept you as acting Steve - I hope he does not mind - and I really appreciate your support - I know you…"
yesterday
AnneJ replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi, Kim. Please don't feel sorry about discussing different topics; it's how our minds work and your words are a comfort to so many. Just knowing someone feels the same, hurts the same, has the same inner voice... the empty bed, the…"
yesterday
KIM Montgomery replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I try not come on here in the early morning as I start work early so I can go home early.  That was my routine.  We would get up in the morning, have a cup of coffee and I would go off to work.  I looked forward to going home a little…"
Tuesday
Jackie cooke replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Nora, you are a beautiful women with a beautiful heart. Steve loved you very much but remember you were a success before you met him and not because of him. We need to give ourselves time to grieve it's only been 3 months, who knows if we will…"
Tuesday
Nora posted a status
"Hi, Pumpkin! 3 months without you today. Started looking for a job. I know you are proud of me now. But it is so hard without you. Love""
Tuesday
Nora replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Ladies, I just had one more pain caused by simple actions that I even did not pay attention to before. Well, I sat to start looking for a job. It was already hard as I have a "meeting people & leaving the house" anxiety. Also, it…"
Tuesday
Jennifer B posted a photo
Tuesday
Lost with out him replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I too feel exactly as everyone here has discribed it. Four months in.. Lost the love of my life. I feeling like the walking dead.. I function because I am expected to. I go to work because I haven't any choice. I have to sell my house.( for…"
Tuesday
Bethany posted a blog post

One down...

Having a glass of wine for my mom tonight and trying to wrap my head around the fact that she's been gone for a year. A whole year. A year without daily emails just so I'd wake up to an email every morning. A year without daily Skype chats just to catch up even though nothing much ever changed. A year without an e-card for every random holiday. A year without hearing about the dumb things my dad was or wasn't doing. A year without my best friend. A year without my mom.See More
Monday
gregory harvey posted a blog post

National TV show wants to help unsolved cold cases

I am the producer of a nationally televised crime docu-series. I am currently developing a new series focusing on unsolved cold cases, where the perpetrator is known but remains uncharged, many times because they are already in prison for life for another crime. That should not deter anyone else from getting justice. We will bring in outside, independent cold case detectives to rework cases to see if we can help. The series will underscore the hope, strength and tenacity of the families and…See More
Monday
morgan replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I really hate to reply to this thread as I am four years and almost five months into the loss of the love of my life and I can hardly stand the roller coaster I am on.  I am careening off the tracks "again" and I come here to reassure…"
Monday
KIM Montgomery replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you all for the kind support here.  It does help.  I too feel lost at time.  This morning I was up at 3:30 watching TV; my alarm goes off at 4:45, no sense in trying to go back to sleep.  Like some one else said on here, my…"
Monday
Jackie cooke replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Missing my Best Friend in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Kim, your not alone, as Nora's says every word you say matches how I feel. I have lost my best friend, soul mate, partner, my lover. Now I'm alone with my dog and cat. OVer 70 people and the funeral but none of them ring or call. People…"
Monday

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