My wife passed away on March 13.  

We met on December 3, 1983.  She was my true love.  I feel all of the emotions described by many others on this site.  I think the worst is the deep, engulfing loneliness and feelings of abandonment.  

The first 20 years of our marriage although not perfect were wonderful.  I wanted her with me every minute.  I travel with my job and no matter where I was in the world it all seemed to be in black and white, she truly did, "colorize my life".

The last 10 however have been difficult.  Alcohol came into her life in a large way.  A DUI, loss of family and friend relationships due to alcohol, we were separated for 4 months in 2007, and a suicide attempt 4 years ago combining alcohol and drugs.  As well as alcohol, prescription pain killers were also on the scene.  She had chronic pain after a surgical procedure went wrong in 2006.

She became reclusive and confined herself to her bed for much of the last 10 years.  Many days she would spend 22 or 23 hours per day in bed.  Things were strained between us. But I still loved her.

Then about 6 months ago she switched "pain doctors" and began to improve.  She was becoming my partner again.  

Ironically March 13 was one the best days we had in a long time.  We joked around in the morning and then around noon I told her I was going to go outside and start cleaning up the yard, it had been a rough winter.  About an hour later her and my son came out to help me with yard work.  I was amazed she had not helped in the yard in many years.

At 430 we finished, my wife said she wanted crab cakes for dinner, but I didn't.  I just wanted leftovers.  Her and my son left and I went in and had leftovers and relaxed.

At 930 I had not heard from her, but it was not that unusual, her and my son had been going out and eating and watching hockey on TV.

Then the phone rang, my wife was obviously drunk, a huge surprise to me.  I had made it a stipulation 4 years ago after she attempted suicide, that she would stop drinking if she want to come home from the rehab facility.  My wife babbled that she needed me to pick her up because she couldn't drive.

I picked her and my son up and she said she wanted to talk to me, but I told her I did not want to talk to her now and would talk to her in the morning.  Those were the last words I spoke to her.

I took her home and got her to bed then took my son downstairs to speak with him.  I talked to my son for about 20 minutes then he went to bed.  A few minutes after he went upstairs he called me.

I went upstairs and found my wife had fallen out of bed and was laying on her side.  I tried to get her back in bed but she was completely limp.  I was afraid of hurting her if I struggled too much to get her in bed so I left her on her side.  I told my son I thought she would be ok, I had seen her passed out drunk many times in the past.  My son commented that she was snoring, implying it was abnormal but I said she was Ok left. That was the last I saw her alive.

About 15 minutes later my son was screaming, he found my wife blue and not breathing.  We did CPR until the medics arrived and they attempted to revive her for another half hour.  Then they said she was gone.

I did not really know what happened.  Alcohol was obviously a factor, the assistant coroner told me the autopsy showed one of her coronary  arteries was 100% blocked so I latched on to that for a while, then today I got more information.  I still don't have death certificate listing the official cause of death but the coroner gave me a copy of the toxicology report.  It listed alcohol blood level of .183, alprazolam (Xanax) at 340 ng/ml and oxymorphone (Opana) at 140 ng/ml.  She had overdosed and killed herself, suicide.

I have been crying on many shoulders and talking to anyone who will listen.  I will not take drugs or alcohol to get through this.  My son, who is mildly autistic has been dealing with this better than me, and I have been crying on his shoulder.

I miss my wife with all her problems, no one is perfect and certainly not me.  Even with the drugs and alcohol she was the source of love, warmth and caring in my family.

I was living with immense guilt for not recognizing that it was more than just passed out drunk, although now I don't even know if she could be saved based on the level of drugs in her body.  So today I have been re-evaluating the guilt I have felt.

I am posting here because I want to get through this.  I have to get through this.  I want to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day  and not think oh shit another day.  

There are many more details but this is enough for now.

Mark, Cheryl's husband