I'm not usually a judgemental person, but I was reading a magazine today and one of the articles was about a lady who's husband had died 9months ago and she was talking about how she had met a new man and was ready to be in love again, and how her husband would want her to be happy again, I know Andy would want me to be happy again(never gonna happen)  but i can just not understand that , it just doesn't make any sense to me,in fact it makes me think she must be a horrid person, I know I…

I'm mad as hell right now, I've just read on here about anothers person loss and it's heartbreaking. Every night before I go bed I speak to Andy not because I believe he's here and can hear me because truthful I don't, it's just something I do , anyway tonight I more than ever hope I'm wrong and that he can hear me because I will be telling him if there is a so called god,please tell him that I think he's a fucking wanker for taking yet another daddy away from a small child like I've just…

Ok even though I said I wouldn't go out socially again, as it felt so wrong last time, i gave it another chance and went to my good friends 40th party, her being a good friend and the fact that my daughter wanted to go I found myself thinking why the hell not, my lifes over anyway and new years eve and day were just the most horrific days for me even worse than xmas day , I spent the whole 2 days in floods of tears so I knew going to the party couldn't be really worse, but I still haven't…

I just had to share one of my good friends words to me earlier today "hope you have a happy new year jo, hope it's better than this years", to say I wanted to punch her in the face is a bloody understatement,  of course im not going to have a happy new year you stupid  idiot woman, Andys dead , im never going to have a happy new year again you utter moron, now that is what I should have said instead of just smiling back before walking away, do people including our so called friends really…

So in 45 mins it will be my daughter Honeys 10th birthday,  the ballons are up the presents are wrapped but the one present I can not give her is her daddy back, she went to bed sobbing saying she doesn't want any gifts only her daddy, so do I more than anything but listening to her crying I realise that she needs him more than me which I selfishly sometimes forget due to my needing and missing him, and then I'm reminded of my sheer anger how bloody cruel life is again, shes only 9 for…

Today has been one of those days when all I have thought about is death and is it really the end, and as much has I've been trying to convince and talk myself in to believing there an afterlife I'd put money on the fact that there isn't, and that it's just some garbage to make us all feel better about losing a person we love , I have came to this conclusion purely because I know my Andrew and I know for sure that  if he could in anyway see how much pain me and his children are in he would…

It's been 5 months now since my world fell apart, but for the last few weeks I thought I had started to turn a small corner, I stopped taking my sleeping tablets and diazapam and looked in the mirror and told myself it's time to get stronger, for my children's sake at least, and everyones been telling me how well and brave I have been, I've even been smiling and chatting to the customers at work, not like I used to, but I really have been trying , but today well... I don't know whats…

Its been 11 weeks now although it still feels like yesterday I miss him so much, i carnt stand it ,this is so bloody hard. Ive just got home after going out for dinner with the kids, just trying to make life a little normal again I suppose, but looking around seeing both parents out with their children and it being just me and my kids without their father was so difficult , its not bloody fair, im so mad that my two have been robbed of their dad, it makes me so f***ing angry, the people on…

Ok its been nearly 9 weeks now since Andy died , and ive been desperate to dream of him like I did 4 days after he died , in that dream we were just sitting on swings swinging for what seemed like hours but we didn't speak once and when I woke up I felt strange and unsettled, such a weird feeling, weird enough for me to think it was real and not a dream at all , anyway since then nothing , before andy died I dreamt every night I even dreamt he died 2 days before he had his cardic arrest and…

So today its been 7 weeks since my wonderful andrew died , is it getting easier, definitely not its getting harder day by day .Anyway one of my friends left work on friday to start a new job, even though im still off work she asked me along for drinks with all the other friends we work with , To be honest I didn't really want to go , but one of my freinds thought it might do me some good so after much debating I said I would go , what a mistake I made it was awful as we sat in the pub I felt…

So  its been 6 weeks and 1 day since my world fell apart , my partner of 20 years just died , I sat and held his hand as he slipped away from me , he was 42 years old , as I'm sitting here writing this im looking at our 9 year old daughter whos face reminds me so much of her dad , I have to smile for her I have to be strong , but I know once shes a sleep I will allow my tears to fall , like they have every night since , well not really for the first week as I realise I went into shock and…