Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
On December 20, 2012 my younger sister was murdered.
Her and her boyfriend of 6 years had a very toxic relationship. Neither one of them was completely faithful and they both drank way more than they should have. He never had a job, just stayed home and played video games all day. She worked two jobs and had recently went back to school. She grew tired of how they were living and she grew tired of the relationship that they built. She wanted to leave.
In the early morning hours of 12/20 her neighbor heard them fighting. She said the walls were shaking from them yelling so loudly. She said she heard my sister yell for help. Help that never came for her. Her boyfriend stabbed her 55 times. How could one human being do that to another? He left her there to die, alone, as he went to his friends place. He confessed to his friend what he had done and then hung himself. He chose to leave this world. She had no choice. She tried to fight him off, she tried to get to her front door. She wanted to live.
Anger, fear, shock, sorrow, grief, denial, sadness, anxious, regret, sorry, lost, empty, alone and a million other emotions that I can't describe with words are what I feel everyday. I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to handle this. I tell myself everyday that this can't be real. The police must have wrongly identified her, the woman laying in the casket at her viewing was just someone else who bared a striking resemblance to Becky. By the end of each day I finally realize that this is my new reality. This is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life. And then the anger starts again.
How dare he take her away from us. How can he be so thoughtless and selfish? I hope that he will burn in hell for eternity. I'm angry at his friends and family for defending him. For hoping that he will 'rest in peace'. For thinking that his actions are justified by her infidelity. Then comes the fear. Fear that I'm capable of hating one person so much, that I'm capable of wishing such a horrible thing onto another person. I'm afraid to sleep because more often than not, I dream about Becky and what he did to her. And then the regret. Regret that I hadn't seen her since the Christmas before. Regret that I hadn't spoken to her since her birthday in September. Regret that I didn't try to spend more time with her. Regret that I allowed my disapproval of her relationship to dictate how much I saw her. Regret that I wasn't a better big sister for her.
I talk to her everyday, hoping that where ever she is she can hear me. I tell her I love her and I miss her. I tell her I'm sorry for what has happened to her and sorry for all the unspoken words that I should have said to her but never did. Sorry that she'll miss her nephews growing up and sorry that my youngest son will never know her the way that my oldest did.
Everyday I live in pain for all the things that could have been and never will be. Everyday I try to put on a brave face for my children. I try to get back into the swing of things. Everything is different. The whole world reminds me of her.
I'm so numb.
First let me say I am sorry for your sister, you, & your family. All of these crazy feelings and experiences you are going through are completely normal under the circumstances, even the extreme hate & rage. You are still in a state of shock, why would anyone want to believe such a horrible thing could happen to someone they love? Everything is different & everything has changed. Try to be kind to yourself & don't "should" on yourself. This is going to take some serious time just to get to the point where you can function "normally" again.
I don't know where you live, but please, please, please, find a grievance center. It must have a psychologist that is experienced in helping with violent deaths. For at least the first year or two, I recommend it not be affiliated with a church, or at least for me I was not capable of listening to the statements like "Jesus wants you to forgive." ( Actually I don't think it is my place to forgive, as I was not the one murdered & it was Jesus who asked God to forgive.)
Take your family too. Kids grieve a little differently but you needn't put on a brave face for them. They are hurting too, and this can be an incredibly bonding experience for your family through experiencing your grief together, or you can show them it is not good to express yourself...to hide your feelings. You are all going to grieve for a very long time, you might as well learn how to help yourself and your children from people who have been through this already....
Unfortunately, you are not alone, but I know it sure feels that way. Try not to listen to everyone else. Unless they have a loved one who has been murdered, they don't really 'get it'. There are programs for free, and some of them are even using skype to set up meetings if you live in an area where there is nothing close by... I will be praying for you.
Thank you, Nicole. I've talked to a few people who have lost loved ones but so far have not met another person who has gone through something similar. I've started to become irritated when people tell me that 'she's in a better place' because her 'better place' should be with us. Or when people ask me how I'm doing because it's the most ridiculous question someone could ask right now.
I honestly don't know if I'm ready to seek professional help yet. I can't wright down my thoughts and feelings with no problem but uttering any word of it just rips me apart. Does that make sense?
I am soooo sorry to hear your story and the manner your sister's life was taken - it is just so wrong, on so many levels. I am fighting so many emotions as I read your words - I really have no concept of what you are going through. One thought I had was that I hope her boyfriend hung himself as he saw fully what he had done and past the death sentence on himself. (Deuteronomy 19:21) "And your eye should not feel sorry: soul will be for soul, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot."
Grief is not a destination, it is a journey. You will travel this road in your own unique way for whatever time you need. Talking is the best thing you can do and I will listen 24/7 with a truly sympathetic ear.
Thank you for your kind words and offering of your ear. I've found that I can't really 'talk' about it yet but I can certainly type.
Her boyfriend did hang himself later that afternoon. I have conflicting emotions about it. On one hand, I'm so very angry that I will never have the opportunity to tell him exactly how I feel or ask the questions that have been eating me alive since that day. On the other hand, I don't think that he deserved to live. What he did was so beyond wrong that the fact he was able to take any breaths after makes me sick. The fact that anyone could do such a heinous thing to another human being completely disgusts me.
I am truly sorry for your tragic loss. I understand only too well the competing emotions which now completely overwhelm you every minute of every day. Everyone deals with this type of profound loss in their own way. The only advice I can offer is to try to find something, whether it be a hobby, a cause, or your career, to keep you occupied--as difficult as that may be. I bought a 14 month old colt, which proved to be a tremendous source of diversion (probably worth a few hundred hours of therapy) and was also able to participate in my brother's murder investigation. These activities enabled me not to dwell on the circumstances of the murder. Your sister certainly would not want her family members so consumed with grief that their lives are shattered beyond repair. Nothing will ever remove the sense of loss, but I hope that time will ease some of the pain of losing your sister. Please know that I do not presume to know what, if anything, may comfort you at this sad time, but kow that others like me do understand the depth of your pain and the conflicted feelings you are experiencing. Take care of yourself and try to remain strong.
Dennis M. Walsh