Hi All

My name is Monty and i have become single parent of two special needs boys when i lost my wife and life partner of 25 years, 5 days before Christmas.

My wife had Myotonic Dystrophy and other the last 2 years she had really declined both in her ability to look after herself, our boys, happiness and quality of life.

i tried all i could to try and encourage her to be the best she could given her condition.   Unfortunately this was not enough to stave off a simple cold turning bad overnight and her being taken to hospital and admitted to  intensive care for 4 days and then passing away when the doctors stated she would not be able to survive  without the breathing apparatus.

i have times when i have a teary grizzle to my self and then i have to pull it back together.

i miss my wife's conversation and council, they way she understood and supported me.

i have been putting most of it on hold for my boys.

i have been spending so much time and effort in trying to maintain a life for the boys that i don't know how well i have been processing the loss.

honestly i don't know where to get the time to experience the emotions and loss.

I miss my friends,  most of the want to help and support me, but they honestly cannot hear the conversations that describes my life and feelings.  so now i don't tell them.

my father and sister have been a great help putting up with me winging about this and that and giving me kind & helpful feedback

I'm looking forward one day to not feeling totally drained, and feeling an emotion that makes me cry.

i used to love music and singing along to songs.  but these days as soon as i start to sing i start to cry.

the boys seem to be processing it some how.

one boy dosn't seem to be affected by it and the other is still moody and tired.

what really shook me was when my youngest told me "we are not a family because we done have a mom" 

i asked him what would it take to be a family again.. he said "a mom"..  i honestly don't know what to say or think about being told we aren't a family.

I know that we will get though it. but honestly at the moment it really really sucks.

thanks for listening 

Regards Monty

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Hi Monty, I lost my husband New Year’s Eve and have a 4 year old. It is extraordinarily hard to put on the happy face, be everything she needs, keep productive at my job, keep the house going and all the other needs of life covered. Bless you and all you are doing. One minute I think I have it handled and the next I want to fall part. My daughter says she doesn’t have a Daddy anymore. I tell her she always does, and he’s with her all the time, but I understand what she means. Rest assure that you are a good family. It’s also very admirable you posted here and are so truthful. You are clearly strong and brave. You got this my friend! I cannot tell you anything to make it better, but you aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I’ve been on this for a while but this is my first post. I’m having a particularly tough day myself, so thank you for making me not feel so alone in this journey. Kind regards, Jen.

Monty,

I want to let you know that everything you are feeling is normal even though it seems so difficult compared to what we thought we had and what we knew.  The death of our spouse is the most difficult thing we will ever face, bar none.  After a long time doing this myself I have to keep telling myself, baby steps.  Every day its just another baby step.  Dont expect to return to the person you were but keep trying to reconstruct the new person you now are.  It works sometimes and not others as Jen said.  

I don't have children so I have no idea how that is.  I cant even imagine that added level of having to deal with how a child interprets death.  But I do know how the hole in your heart is.  Those of us who read and/or post on here are all searching for ways to manage, to cope.  Each of us deals with it the best we can.  There is no manual......

Jen is more insightful than she thinks particularly by saying it is admirable to post here and be so truthful.  Most of the rest of society has no idea the pain associated with a spousal death.  You have to have had a deep relationship to know what this is like.  And many of us do and have found sites like this where we can share our anguish.  At the same time that provides our support. Society cannot understand and maybe that is a good thing.  How would I be if I knew how hard this was before??

All I can say is we all keep trying the best we can and every moment is a new moment.......do what you can when you can and don't beat yourself up too badly......you'll have enough trying moments without doing that.......

We all give the children the hugs they need then try to hug ourselves.......know we walk alongside you........morgan

Dear Monty, so sorry for your terrible loss -- you must be a very strong person, caring for so many people for such a long time, and now going on caring for your sons with only the occasional grizzle to grieve all you've lost. I feel like I can particularly empathize with one aspect of your loss because my husband also died after a long history of ill health. We were drawn even closer than most couples because of the interdependence and intimacy necessitated by his health problems, and although he hadn't been strong latterly, he was still him, and it is hard going on without his voice and day to day presence. Maybe it is somewhat similar for you?

After only five months, it is not at all unusual to be tearful...I never cried much before but these days I cry a lot and easily, and it is coming close to two years now since his sudden death a day before he was supposed to be coming home from hospital.

Btw what you say in your post about friends seems to be true, at least for many bereaved people. In my own experience, while some friends are friends no longer -- many drifted away during my husband's illness -- when it comes to real friends who are still in the picture, I find I can't go on telling them the horrible realities of this life. Well, I choose not to, really. Friends try to be kind, and they are kind, but after a while it's just too bloody much for them, they can't really bear the truth of what's happening -- at this point I don't want to keep poisoning other people with my darkness and I think that's an okay choice. Personally I need privacy to be able to cry and feel sad, just to stop clamping down, let myself feel and fall apart for a bit -- that must be really hard for you with two sons to care for and comfort, but at the same time I think it's important to have some time to actually let go and grieve...even think it helps you to regain your sanity after losing your spouse.  


Apologies for long rambling response -- basically, just wanted to say this can be a good place to share what needs to be shared, and to feel less crazy, hope you can get some comfort here as well.

thanks for all the reply's and sharing your thoughts and feelings.

it great to see the support. 

in the last month or two i have been seeing a councillor (who specialises in grief rather than just general purpose)

this has helped tremendously 

i now also have stopped sharing with every day people and the casual friends, as i feel that them seeing how I'm really going horrifies them and is not positive for any one in any way.  Now when asked how I'm going the normal response is "getting there, somedays better than others". and in the most part thats true.

i still have sad days where i just miss my wife.

and its the small things that keep popping up and confronting me.

Im also struggling with some of the people out there, my tolerance of stupid, self-centred behaviour seems to have diminished greatly.  i manage to keep my thoughts to my self.  but it seems harder at the moment.

i am keeping a journal at the moment.  don't know if it helps or not, but it has been recommended by several people who have experienced significant grief. 

people keep saying that I'm doing a awesome job, but honestly I'm just doing what i need to do for myself and my boys.

its the mater of fact side of me that says.  no use crying over spilt milk. and then i just start to get on with it.

I'm sure ill get though it, but it still sucks at the moment.

I'm looking forward to not being constantly tired, and being able to feel the warmth of life and being able to genuinely smile

thanks for listening to me.

Regards Monty 

Hi All

I have noticed lately that i am having dreams with re-occuring teams.

my wife leaving (though some circumstance) and having greater responsibilities to look after others..

are other experiencing dreams with constant team's ?

that being said.  I'm still not getting much sleep :(

Regards Monty

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