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I seem to go back and forth being in deep sorrow to being absolutely angry. Today I woke up absolutely angry again.
Since my husband died suddenly, there was nothing in place. No will, no living trust, no savings, no documents on how to handle things. I always go on his case about it since he rode a motorcycle (and had a bad crash a couple of years ago) that he needed to put things into place. He put it off. But can you blame him? He was only 44-45 at the time.
I didnt even know what his advance directives were, so those few days with him on life support were nothing but a nightmare. I didnt know what his wishes were and the only reason why I made the decision I did was because from where I sat, there was no life left in him. He was being kept alive by machines.
In that aftermath, I have been left with trying to figure everything out, and it has been a nightmare. And I get angry that he left me like this.
Oh, I know, this is not what he wanted, but it still doesnt change the fact that here I am left cleaning up his mess. And while, I know he didnt want to pass away, the fact is that I asked him over and over to get this stuff in order because he did have health issues and he did ride motorcycles.
Even I have a hand written will with advance directives.
My thought this morning was that if there is an "afterlife"- he is there without a care and I am stuck here picking up the pieces.
How is that fair?
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I understand that kind of anger. I am not in quite that situation, in that while my husband had no will, he also had no money nor any valuables to leave, so it wasn't really an issue. He had a small amount of life insurance via his work, but the narcissistic bitch who gave birth to him was the beneficiary (which I was angry about, and to a small extent still am, but at the same time I know he did it because it was "the easy way out", so that he wouldn't have to hear any shit from her). Our finances were bad (mine still are), so it's not as though there were savings accounts or investments or anything that needed dealing with. I can see how it's more difficult when those things do exist, and you have to try to figure it all out after the fact.
I can't even imagine having to deal with not knowing his wishes regarding life support and the like, although to me it sounds as though you made the right choices. While it's horrible that my husband was dead by the time I got to him, I am thankful that I never had to make that kind of choice.
I know what you mean about the idea that if there is an afterlife, our husbands are there and we are stuck here dealing with the shit that is life. If there is an afterlife, I suspect it is not easy for them to see us in anguish, but at least they have the knowledge that there actually is an afterlife, and I assume the knowledge that we will be together again. And if there is no afterlife, at least they are not in any pain, they have no sadness or anger or worry.
Have you made any headway in getting the finances and paperwork and everything sorted? Do you have anyone that you trust, who can help you with all that stuff?
I can relate to you in losing my husband and he didn't have insurance. Thankfully, we had just refinanced the house one month before. It can be very depressing and makes me anxious about the next day. I express anger with myself sometines. Am learning to put everything in God's hand. It's still difficult. Sorrow and anger are both normal for us. Take one day at a time.
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