Don't grieve alone.
I am new to this site. I'm a 39 year old female who lost her Mom on January 18th. Mom was 76 at the time of her passing and would have turned 77 on March 10th.
Even though my mother was not young in terms of physical age, she was very young in spirit. Up until the end of last summer she was a lively energetic woman who was always doing something. Then one morning she woke with symtoms of what we thought was a stomach virus, but later turned out to be a very severe case of ulcerative colitis.
Mom was in the hospital three times between September 22nd, 2011 and January 18th, 2012. She spent the last ten days of her life in ICU on a respirator.
The doctors tried all kinds of medicines and treatments and at one point considered removing her colon. Then it seemed like they hit on something that worked. It was a very strong IV medication called Remicade which has the side effect of temporarily suppressing one's immune system. The Remicade seemed to work, and she came the day after Thanksgiving. Tragically on December 28th she was rushed back to hospital with an elevated heart rate and shortness of breath. It seems that while her immune system was knocked down by the Remicade she developed a lung infection.
On January 8th she had to be intubated and on January 18th after being told there was no hope, as Mom's health care proxy I had them remove life support.
I am an only child and my mother and I were very close so her death hit me like a "ton of bricks" I was on on anti-depressants for a while and am now seeing a psychologist for grief counseling. I feel I am making some progress, but there are still times when something will remind me of Mom and I will break down crying.
My neighbor recommend seeking additional online support and that is why I am here.
Sometimes I feel like no one knows how I feel...how sad and angry I am that I no longer have my Mom.
Well, that's it for now...Hope you guys don't mind if I vent every so often.
I am so sorry that you lost your mom and that it happened in the way it did where you had to make the decisions. Believe me - there are lots of people feeling like you feel, and I know myself and my others on this site are very happy to talk to you and listen to you vent. The way you feel is very much how I feel surrounding my mom's death and still often feel. I am so sorry you are having to feel this way.
Thank you for your support. I will stay in touch and pray for you.
hi lisa, i know exactly how you feel. my wonderful mom went to heaven on 2/22/12 at the age of 93. i still cant believe it. some people say that i should feel grateful that i had her for so long. it pisses me off cuz i am grateful but i never wanted her to go. i dont care if she was 103, it tears my heart out that i cant be with her right now. the only thing im grateful for is that she isnt in pain anymore. that effin cancer! i so wish that i could have taken it from her & suffered for her. please avoid people that tell you that you should be over it by now, or to pull yourself up by the bootstraps or anything like that. your feelings are your feelings & you cant turn them off like a faucet. its ok to break down any time. crying is absolutely fine. thats why God gave us tears, (although these days im pretty pissed at God & i'm not even sure there is one) also, some told me once that tears are like valium for your eyes. i day at a time. even 1 hour.
Thank you for saying that is okay to be ticked off when someone is stupid enough to say that because our mothers weren't young when they died that we should be not be taking the loss so hard. When you love someone a great deal it tears you up to lose them whether they were age 5 or age 99!
I appreciate you support and will pray for you.
Hi Lisa, yes, I know EXACTLY how you feel. The anger and sadness is overwhelming. My mom died of leukemia on April 19, 2011 and it seems like yesterday her and I were shopping or laughing over a cup of coffee. For me, all the BAD memories still seem to take over the good ones. Such as seeing her in the hospital taking her last breaths, going through chemo, my dad telling me she passed, etc. I absolutely and completely break down every single time I think of those things and it's SO hard to get them out of my head. I guess it's all part of the "process". Then I think of all the wonderful things she taught me and why I am the person I am today and I smile....it's a roller coaster of emotion. I went to grief counseling for awhile and I think I need to go back. I can't do this alone. I cannot expect my husband and kids to "get" it. While they ARE my rocks, I need professional help. You should always vent, always talk about it, always cry when you want to. It's all part of the grieving and it comes and goes in stages. It does get better but it's different for everyone. I'm sending many prayers to you...
I appreciate your kind words of support. I know exactly what you mean about the bad memories taking over the good ones.
Mom and I had so many happy times together and yet all I keep thinking about is how sick she was in those last few months of her life. Because she was on a high dose of steroids in an attempt control the colitis her legs and feet were extremely swollen. Also because of the constant diarrhea that is the primary symptom of ulcerative colitis she wasn't get much nutrition from whatever she was able to eat and as a result was down to "skin and bones". Someone told told me to surround myself with photos of Mom when she was well. I don't know if doing that will help ot not.
I also have a very hard time with any type of television commercial about medicines that remind me of her sickness. When one comes on I often change the channel.
Since Mom's death I have returned to the Catholic Church and find that faith helps, but sadly not as much as I wish it would. Thank you for praying for me!
I know how you feel! I lost my mother on May 2, 2010 from ovarian cancer. One minute she was fine and the next she was in the hospital. This started in December of 2009 when she started complaining about stomach issues. Since everyone had the flu, we assumed she had it too. She was a nurse so she kept saying she could take care of it. Well it wasn't until January 2010 when she got dehydrated and had to go to the ER. After numerous tests, the found the ovarian tumor, but by that time it was the size of a golf ball. After three rounds of chemo, at the end of April of 2010, she was deathly sick and one night when a nurse checked on her, she noticed my mom was not breathing right and she was rushed to the ICU. She never regained consciousness and there was nothing more anyone could do. She was on life support and my Dad had to make the decision to sign the DNR and remove her from life support. I couldn't watch her die so I said my goodbyes and left the hospital. She was only 68. Two years later, I'm still grieving over her death. Everyone keeps telling me to let her go and go on with my life, but they don't understand how I feel. Vent all you want. It really helps. What I do to help me get through the day is I write in my journal, write letters to my mom and just vent. I also see a Grief Counselor who has helped me cope with her death. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom! Ilana
Thank you for writing. I think the idea of journaling and writing letters to Mom is a good one. I am going to start doing that and let you know how it goes.
I am sorry for your loss as well and will pray for you.
Hi Lisa, First I"m so very sorry about your mom. My mom passed on November last year and I still can't believe she is gone from me. You aren't alone with your feelings!
My mom was my best friend that lived with me for the last 10 years or so before she passed from an immune compromised situation because of her chemotherapy. I don't have kids and i'm not married so we were very close. she was in and out of hospitals and emergency centers for the last year of her life. She was doing great and we had hoped she would come home in Thanksgiving then she got a colon infection was put on tubes and finally oxygen. My sister and I took her off of the ventilator and she passed within a couple of mintues. I held her hand and whispered to her the whole time and hope she knew we were there.
I get angry and wish I had known about all the dangers of chemo and I get sad and am very very depressed. I can barely get to work. My reason for living is my dog and my sister.
I've lost my fear of death because if death means I can be with mom again, then that is great. If death means there is nothing after this then at least I will be released from a sad situation without hope.
I am not suicidal. I've been put on antidepressents but, am still very depressed. Sometimes I talk to mom out loud. I try to honor her and know she would not want me to go on like this! I"m sure your mom would be the same with you. They tell me that the second year of a major loss is the worst. I"m just trying to take one day at a time.
I avoid all people that have not had major losses. It helps me right now because I don't want to talk to people with very very different priorities.
Take care of yourself - this is a good site to vent!
Thank you for sharing the story of your loss with me. I also get upset knowing that the very treatment that was supposed to save my Mom is what ultimately took her life.
Unfortunately the only other option was to remove her colon and the GI doctor told me after she died that if they had resorted to that there was a good chance she wouldn't have survived the surgery.
I am glad you told me this a good site to vent because I don't really having anyone other the pyschologist to confide in. My Dad and I do not get along at all...He and Mom never had much of marraige and I am sorry to say that he was very mean to Mom throughout her illness and doesn't seem to care that she is gone. My Aunt Agatha ( Mom's sister) has been very kind, but doesn't always allow me to say as much as I want to about my loss. She will listen for a while and then I will be told I am "stewing and re-hashing" and that we need to talk about cheerful things because "crying a river" won't bring my mother back!
You are right when you say our mothers wouldn't want us to feel this way, but sometimes it's so hard not to.
Thanks again for sharing and I will include you in my prayers.
Thank your all for sharing these very painful emotions. I've not been back here in a while because of time issues and sometimes because I feel so sad reading about your experiences. Its been one year since mom went to be with the Lord and I still have a lot of healing to do. Sometimes I try to block it out but it all comes back in a big bout. I'm reading about the struggles most of you are having with the pain our moms had to endure before their death. I always say, watching mom suffer was worse than losing her. I replay those last days in my mind all the time. I cannot get it out of my mind. I've tried anti depressants but those aren't really helping. I also struggle with my faith. There are so many songs that remind me of mom, that I refuse to go to church. I don't pray as much as I used to since I don't feel like God listens to or answers prayers. I prayed for my mom so much but she kept getting worse.This is the most difficult thing I've had to endure. I will gladly welcome death, even if I have to leave my little girl here.
I know how much you are hurting. Some days I have to force myself to get out of bed. But, like Sandra said we all have to keep in mind how much our mothers loved us and would want us to be happy.
You mention having a little girl. You must be brave for your daughter's sake and can keep your mother's memory alive by telling her about her wonderful grandmother.
Please hang in there...I will pray her you!