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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Val Harden on
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Heavily grieving blinds us to signs our deceased love ones are leaving us. We just to need settle down and reach out to your dear love ones. Have a open heart and mind and research about spirit communications. I'm to the point I just ask my beloved Husband to prove he's still with me. Yesterday I ask more signs and he came through in a dream last night. I had dreams about him before but there were dreams that had a meaning about me per say. The visitation dream was uncomplicated,straight forward and vivid. You are never alone, your love ones and spirit guides are always with you. Just ask for help from all them and you will receive to get through the tough times.
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Val,
It is obvious that you are deeply in grief...but to say that the medium said that "your husband spirit" said that if you don't die a natural death that you will "need counseling before you can be with your husband" is something that needs serious reflection...anyone can say anything about the afterlife because no one living has actually ever been there...just offering some concern about the "counsel" ...which can mean anything....that you may be receiving from one one who is paid to offer something....
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Apple,
While I agree that anyone can say anything, and that none of us can actually know what the afterlife is like, if it exists at all, I have heard/read from a number of people that when we die we do go through a kind of "life review", in which we review our own lives (according to those people, no god sits in judgment of us). I agree that each of us should reflect on any such advice, and consider whether or not we actually believe it.
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Val,
I have heard other people say things similar to what the medium told you, that if a person kills her/himself then s/he needs some counseling once in the afterlife. I've heard that everyone has a kind of life review after death, in which s/he reviews her/his own life -- no god or anyone judges, the person just judges her/his own life and actions/inactions. I don't know if I agree that that's what happens -- hell, I don't even know if there's an afterlife -- but it's possible.
I'm glad you've had signs from your husband. I have had possible signs, but I don't know if they were real. I can usually believe them when they first occur, but then my belief fades. I so much need my husband to still exist and everything, that I'm afraid any signs might just be wishful thinking on my part.
It's good that you have a belief in the afterlife. To me there is not "far too much evidence" of an afterlife; I wish there was enough to convince me.
I've heard that "heavily grieving blinds us to signs that our deceased loved ones are leaving us" -- I don't know if that's true, but if it is, I think that is majorly screwed up. It simply should not be that way -- if it is that way, then the people who most need to know that their loved ones still exist, the people who most miss them and are in agonies of pain, don't receive the proof that they need. That's fucked up, as far as I'm concerned. I absolutely have an open heart for my husband. I constantly ask him to come to me, because I truly don't believe that anything will convince me other than seeing him, hearing him, actually conversing with him.
It's good you've had dreams about your husband. I have not had one real dream about my husband since he died, only nightmares in which he left me or I left him, or he cheated on my or I cheated on him (none of which ever did happen or ever would have happened).
If you feel that you have spirit guides that help you, that's good. Personally, I don't believe in "spirit guides". If I had any that gave a damn about me, they would help me to die and be with my husband, or at the very least they would help him to come to me, if he still exists in an afterlife at all.
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bluebird.
People judge themselves in the afterlife and when they hurt the people during their life they will feel the pain they caused. The problem is not with God to forgive you but forgiving yourself for hurt you caused to other during your life time in the physical world. There is no hell fire as Western Religion claim it to be. Research Near Death Experience. Many who have NDE are not wackos. Mary O'Neal is Doctor and was a cynic had a NDE. Now she's a firm believer of the after life or Betty Eadie who wrote Embraced By Light that sold 10 million copies or watch the flim Heaven Is For Real. 8 million people in our country have experience NDE. Read "Love Never Dies" by Dr. Jamie Turndorf and Hello from Heaven. It's about documented cases how 3 thousand have been contacted by their deceased love ones.
Believe me I wish beloved husband was still alive to be in his loving embrace and my heart aches for him all the time. But,I must accept my husband physical presence is no longer here. However nothing changes the fact he still loves me and he proves it by his signs he has given me since his passing. With all due respect I refuse to live in hell grieving for my beloved for the rest of my life. Morning him yes but to live without any kind joy for the rest of my is not for me. I can't wait for grieving process to end,so I can found some peace and happiness in my life.
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Apple,
When someone commits suicide only thing that is so serious they can not forgive themselves for the hurt caused their love ones. Thus to help are the spirits who help counsel those who can not forgive themselves. It's like a self imposed punishment until they are able forgive themselves. Once they forgive themselves they are connected to their soul families or soul mate.
How would my Husband know at one point I have thoughts of suicide? Our deceased love ones know our emotional pain want we go through and our thoughts. My Husband spirit knew this and warned not do commit suicide because he wants to me to be with him the moment we see each othe in heaven. Suicide prevents this situation from happening. Committing Suicide is a grave mistake. You hurt love ones and yourself! Everyone you hurt by committing suicide you will feel their pain. This is hell!
I have done enough research that there is after life.
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Val,
That's what I've read, too -- that we judge ourselves in the afterlife. I don't know if I believe there is an afterlife, and if there is I don't know if that's what happens when we get there, but it's certainly possible. I think it's more likely than the traditional Christian view of things.
I have researched NDEs; I have been interested in the afterlife, NDEs, and various other "paranormal" subjects for years, long before my husband died, though of course it all takes on new urgency for me now. I've read "Hello from Heaven" (I'm rereading now actually, as it happens). I don't think all those people are lying, but I also have no proof that what happened to them were real experiences with their dead loved ones. Maybe they were, or maybe some were, I don't know. But the fact is that none of it proves anything to me -- the only thing that would prove to me the existence of an afterlife would be my husband coming to visit me.
I understand when you say that you "refuse to live in hell grieving for [your] beloved for the rest of your life", and that living without joy for the rest of your life is not for you. Fair enough. It is not like that for me, however. There is nothing but grieving, for me. There is no happiness or joy in life for me anymore, despite having a loving family. I just want to die as soon as possible and hopefully be with my husband.
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I have often wondered on our relationships - for example spouses in earth will still have “sexual feelings” in the afterlife. But, is it true that men and women will enjoy each another in a physical sense? In other words, will there be sexual activity between men and women in the afterlife? I just read in ADC site and someone claims that his late wife healed his inconsolable grief by making love to him from the Afterlife, I've read we have bodies and there is spiritual love there. Because the world of spirits is not transparent, instead, their world is as solid and real to them as ours to us. What do you think, conjugal love in Heaven? But, anyway I believe that love between husband and wife is eternal.
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If I still have free will and anything to say about it, and assuming my husband agrees (I know him -- he will, lol), then we will absolutely make love in the afterlife, if there is an afterlife. I've read that we don't have physical bodies there, but as long as it seems and feels as though we do, that's good enough. I've also heard/read that there is a different kind of lovemaking there, a kind of merging of the souls, which supersedes anything here. I don't know if that's true, just as I don't know if there's an afterlife, but I hope it is.
I can identify with the story you related about the man who said his wife healed his grief by making love to him from the afterlife....that is, that hasn't happened to me, but certainly it would help my grief a bit if my husband came to me and we made love. It would also help once I die, if there's an afterlife and my husband & I can make love there.
Anyway, if there is an afterlife, and if I can have it as I want (and assuming my husband agrees), then when I die my husband and I will build (or whatever one does in the afterlife) the house we always wanted to have in this life, and we will live there for at least 50 years (the balance of the life we should have had here), making love and cuddling and reading books and watching tv and having meals and taking walks and spending time with our cats and all the good stuff from this life. After we have done that for 50 years or the equivalent, maybe then we can move on to doing other things some of the time.
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Every time I cry out to my husband to help me he has never failed me! I know for sure he is my soul mate because he was with me in life and now he with me in spirit. Love is eternal..
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Life after Death Documentary.
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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on
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Thank you Val for sharing the documentary on the Afterlife I will view it later. I have reposted it under the Video section for any interested. I am sorry for the loss of your husband, it is a hard time of year.
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