I lost my soul mate in a motorcycle accident on April 15th and it feels like it just happened yesterday. He was my everything my whole world. He was the love of my life and an answer to my prayers. We did everything together and spent every minute together. He loved me more than anything. I don’t have a life without him he was my life. Now everything seems pointless and I want desperately to go be with my baby in heaven.  I think constantly about how to kill myself but don’t believe I will because it wouldn’t be fair to my brother and mom. I don’t know how God could have let this happen; he knew I couldn’t be without my darling. I don’t know how to function with out him and I can still hear his voice talking to me.  I still expect him to walk through the door with a smiling face excited to see me and pick me up in a big hug.

I am filled with regret and guilt that is so overwhelming I can not bear it. I didn’t get to tell him how he was my heaven on earth and I loved him unconditionally before he died.  There was so much that was unsaid and we had been fighting the last couple of days.  I am only 24 and can not imagine ever being with anyone else. I feel as though I’ve been sentenced to a life of misery and wish I was older so my death was in sight.  I know that the love we shared is something I can not even begin to explain it was so deep and could never even come close to being replaced. People say it gets easier with time but for me it gets worse. And I am about to pull my hair out and trash the house going crazy if I can’t see him soon. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.  We lived in a world created for just me and him and now I am left all alone. I just wonder why him?? Of all the people in the world why my sweetie? I need him. I don’t know what to do.

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Hi Amanda, I can only imagine that after a year it probably still feels like it just happen. The longer since Ive seen him the more exhausted and nightmarish this all is. The more time that goes by the more i want him to hurry up and get back so we can get on with living our life and everything can go back to normal.  I cant say I know how you could possibly get use to living without him. All i can say is that i know what you are going through and i hope that in some small way that comforts you.

It's been 10 weeks since my fiance and father of our now 6 1/2month old daughter died in a work accident... I know how you feel. Chris came into my life exactly when I needed him and he was the man I was waiting for.  We only had 15 months together but in that time we had a beautiful baby girl who was the light of his life and we knew we had found "The One" in each other.  I ask all the time how this could have happened to us and why God would take him when he is needed so much here. I beg God to just give him back to us... that miracles happen everyday so why can't he give me one?  Some days I feel like I have lost the will to live but my baby girl keeps me going.. She saved me.  She is my only reason for being now and I owe it to her and Chris to keep going and give her the best life I can.  It kills me that she will never remember the 4 months she had with her daddy and that she can never hug, kiss or play with him.  I hope you are having some better days... Mine are up and down.  I feel like I am waiting for him to come home for work or call or text me... And like you I know my heart will never truly love again because it belongs to Chris.

I swear I thought I wrote this when I read it. My soulmate died exactly 4 weeks ago. He was hit by a train and died during surgery. Its a long complicated story, but I was out looking for him when I seen the fire department rushing up the road. I followed them and ended up seeing my baby being put into the ambulence. I couldn't tell it was him because his face was covered in blood and I couldn't stop staring at his injuries. I've never seen anything like that in my life. The police told me to go to the hospital and see if it was him. After what felt like hours a doctor came and asked me to describe him. As soon as I said his one tatoo I seen the look on his face and started screaming. He died a few hours later. We had discussed all the what if questions and I knew he wouldn't want to live like that. I can't stop thinking it is my fault. I shouldn't have left him that night to go to work. I always left him for work. We were going through something serious at the time and he promised me he would be okay. The last time I seen him before the accident we said I love you and he promised me he would pick me up from work. I never thought that would be the last time I got to look into his eyes that I love so much.

Halie, when I read this I just cried and cried. You and your soulmate were just like me and mine. Everything you said is how I feel. I hate my life without him. I know I can't kill myself because of my family and his but I just wish I could die. What is left of my soul is in agony. I wake up every morning and look him next to me and just cry and cry. He was always next to me. I don't want to go out because he's not there and I don't want to see anyone but him. He was everything I wanted. He was just as fucked up as I was and we loved eachother for that. Our world was just us. Everyday it gets worst. We were never apart from eachother. He went to visit his grandfather for three days once and he stayed on the phone with me till I cried myself to sleep, the whole time telling me that he loved me. I just want him back and that's never going to happen. I thank god everynight that I got to spend three years with the love of my life but I hate him for taking him from me and everyone else who loved him. We were going to get married, go back to school together, have kids, an apartment in the city and a house upstate, we were going to grow old together and sit on the porch with our dogs and yell at kids for walking on our lawn. He was the smartest, kindest, most amazing person that I've ever met and I couldn't believe he chose me. He use to tell me he felt the same way about me. I just keep praying that god will come take me to be with him. My whole life was him and now I have nothing. I've already had guys ask me out and I almost punched them in the face. All my friends and family keep telling me that I'm young and I'll find someone and have all those things with someone else. I don't want that with anyone else but him and it's never going to happen. We weren't legally married, but we were married. That was my husband, my boobah, my soulmate, my bestfriend, my world. I don't know what to do without him. I don't want to get over him and focus on my future because he was my future. I'm just holding on for everyone else but I really don't want to. I just want to die. I'm only 24 years old and I can't handle the thought of being without him the rest of my life. I know he would want me to be happy but he was my happiness. How can I live without him? Every second feels like torture. I know I have to but what's the point of living for everyone else when I am just a miserable shell of what I use to be?

Stacy,

I am so sorry for what you are going through and that you had to see him like that.  First of all DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.  It was his time and whether you didn't go to work or not... it would have happened irregardless. Maybe not in the same way but it was destined.  Trust me I know what you are going through.. My fiance left for work and never got to come home.  We have a baby girl who will be 7 months tomorrow.  It's been 11 weeks and I miss him more everyday. The only difference is I have my daughter who is my only reason for being now.  But it also kills me that she will never remember her 4 months with her dad.. or every get to know him.  I promise you that the days get less terrible... not better but not as bad.  This is going to take awhile and that's ok.  It's suppose to hurt.  This is a horrible thing and you will never be the same person. But you will still be you and there are people who need you and love you.  I hope your days start to ease up. Take Care

Thank you and I am so sorry for everything you are going through. My heart goes out to you and your baby girl. When all of this happened I was 2 months late and I prayed so hard that maybe I could have our child. I always wanted a little him for us to give everything our parents couldn't do for us. Ever since that dream went away I've been so much more miserable. My baby grew up without his biological father and it killed him that he didn't remember the two years he was there. When me and his parents were going through his pictures for the wake his step dad (who was basically his dad) looked at me and said he would give anything for me to be pregnant. I know my love would have never wanted to not be there for his child but i feel like i failed his parents for not giving them a grandchild and myself. Having children was our ultimate goal. That was our dream when we were ready. His mom told me today that she read that when a child losses a parent they loss their past and when a parent losses a child, they loss their future. I feel like a failure for not giving them a future. I wasn't a happy person before all this, except for him. He was my reason for living. He talked me off the ledge so many times when my depression just popped up to mess with me and I can't believe I'm here and he isn't. Me and him were always looking for an escape and I'm happy he finally found it. I wish it wasn't like this though and I wish we could have went together. I went to school for criminal justice and I know how his body was that it was an accident. He knew how much I needed him and his parents needed him. I'm just overcome with grief, guilt, and this overall sense of being completely empty inside. I feel like I died when he did and I'm just trapped here to suffer without him. I dont know what to do with myself. I want to kill myself but I know I can't do that to everyone. When I try and think of the happy times I cant help see him how he was that night and it hurts more than I ever thought I could possibly hurt. I'm just so lost.

Another suggestion of where to go for help is www.grief-and-comfort.com - it is email based and therefore your words are private and not posted on the worldwide net.

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bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
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Jeff C replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
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bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
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