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After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate
I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Cindy on
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Hi Carol and Renee. I am not looking forward to Christmas. It was always special to Les, Chris and I. Chris will be here Christmas eve, but I am working Christmas day. It such a hard time of year for me. Last year, Christmas day was not very merry. I don't know what was wrong except that neither Les nor I felt very good. He was worried about me and the fear of cancer, and I was worried because he hadn't been feeling well. They say you always hurt the one you love, and that was us last Christmas...and now it was his last Christmas and I feel bad.
I want him back and I know that can't happen, and I am disappointed that there are few signs from him and no more dreams and I just miss him sooo much. I am on something for depression, or yes, I'd be crying all the time. I can nap, but not sleep at night without going to missing him and crying.
Sorry I am depressing. I don't know what I'd without you two. Take care
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Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on
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don't aplozie to us. it's ok. we both feel the exact same way. i'm not sure how i feel about christmas yet, i'm trying to make it happy. that's what dennis would want me to do. don't feel bad about your last christmas. it's time to make new memories. do the best u can, that's all u can do. i love u and u take care. i'll be thinking about u!!!
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Hi CIndy, yes, no apologies. Even though you both didn't feel so well, you still had that Christmas together. I know, the holidays are the worst. And yes, I am having the same problem, I can nap with no problem, but when I try to go to bed at night, I totally break down crying. And Renee is right, as hard as it is to think about we have to start making new memories. I will be spending Christmas day with my neighbor. She is coming over and we will be snacking on my goodies all day and watching movies. We are all three strong woman, we can do this. Each day is a battle but we do get through them just the same. I hope you both you have a good day. Lots of hugs to you both.
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Today wasn't too bad. I had a visit from Les' sons girlfriend, so that was nice. I went to the library for some movies to watch this weekend. Because of the weather, don't know if my son is coming over. Hope you two are feeling better. Thanks for your support.
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Hi Cindy, I'm so glad you had an ok day. Mine was ok too. Went grocery shopping with my neighbor. Helped her make these reeses peanut butter bars for a party tomorrow night and she's helping me make these rainbow cookies for Christmas. We're watching crazy movies, keeping my mind occupied. Had a little snow early this morning, but not much. That's nice that you had some company too. I hope you have a good weekend. And as usual, i'm here any time.
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hi ladies. my day was okay too. too busy thinking about what i have left to do. i have baking to do this weekend. got most of my shopping done. plus now i have to wrap. i'm actually very surprised at how well i am doing. but i do know that's the way dennis would want it. he told me that. so anyway i can honor him and his wishes is not to cry all the time. sometime's it's easy and sometimes not. u know. i love u both very much. and yes carol after i read your last comment, i called hospice grief counsler and i am going to a group on monday at 6:00pm. wish me luck! again i love u both!
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Hi Renee, I'm so glad you had a good day and I'm so glad you are going to a group. You will have to call me and let me know how it was. Yes, Renee, our loved ones would really not want us to suffer like we do and cry like we do, but sometimes we just can't help. But yes, keeping busy does help. I started my cookie baking too. I'm already exhausted and in pain. I figured if I make one kind of cookie each night I'll be finished by the next weekend or so. Depending on how I feel I might make 2 batches in one night. I think I might also just make some doughs,, scoop and freeze and then just bake up next weekend. Well, I hope you both have good weekend. I'm going to see a play tomorrow, have no idea it's name or what it's about. My friend is taking me. Lots of hugs prayers for you both.
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i have to do my baking this weekend, did i tell u that already. it's early. carol let me ask u something. when dennis was alive i did everything, and i mean everything. he couldn't do anything. i was his caregiver for the last 15 yrs or so. i was not afraid of anything, i suppose because i had to do it all. basically being a man and a woman. whitch isn't bad because my mom and dad taught me to take care of myself. but now that den is gone, it seems i'm afraid of everything. does that make since. i don't understand it nor do i like it. for instance the news last night was talking about water pipes and cold weather. so i opened the cupords under the sink, cause i was afraid they would burst. oh silley. i've never been afraid of that before. anyway, i'm sure it will get better. i just had to tell someone. love ya
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Yes, you did tell me about your baking. Renee, believe me when I tell you what you are feeling is normal. I am still feeling that way after all this time, only in the beginning it was worse, I was terried. And I was a totally independent person before Rob came into my life. But somehow when we got back together, I just let him do everything. When he did, I couldn't get behind the wheel of MY car. I would just sit there and stair at the wheel and cry like a baby. At the thought of having to go somewhere alone, I got sick to my stomache. When something goes wrong now, my panic goes into overdrive. Even though you may have done everything for the past 15 years, Dennis was still there WITH YOU. Now, you're alone, and it just feels worse you having to do things alone. Believe me though, in time, you fears will get less and less. I still have some fears but I am much better than I was. You are a strong person and you will get through this. And when you do get through something you were afraid of, give yourself some credit and just tell yourself, "see, I can do this ". It's snowing here now, I hope you have a good day. I'm home all day so if you need to talk. Lots of hugs. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope Cindy is doing ok too.
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Hi ladies. I am sorta ok, I guess that is better than being terrible. :) I have housemates now, and that helps. I love when Les' granddaughter is here--she's 4 1/2 and just a dear. I love her so much. I understand about being afraid, right after Les died there were car problems and computer problems--I was just terrified. It is because the rules we thought the universe worked on failed us. Our loved ones were good people, we are good people, and yet we are alone now without those we loved so much--that is a broken rule. Bad stuff isn't supposed to happen to us--when in truth everyone dies and we just were not prepared for it.
It takes a lot of adjustment, I still have things I am afraid of and afraid to do--like today there is a blizzard in Michigan and I have not ventured outside. I have to work in the morning and I am worried about road conditions, and I am worried about Les' son because he went into town. I never worried this much before, because Les was here.
In time, I imagine it will get a tiny bit better. Love you both, Cindy
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Hi Cindy, I'm glad you're sorta ok today. We've had snow all day but my wonderful neighbor cleaned off mycar and shoveled a path for me on my patio. Just made 2 kinds of cookie, so now they're chilling in fridge. I hope you don't get too much snow and are able to get out. I'm hoping it's not too bad because I want to go work out tomorrow. I hope you both have a good Sunday.
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Hi Ladies. Today was okay, even being snowed in, but tonight. Is it normal to still feel like this cannot be real? It's been 3 months and I still keep waiting for him to come home or myself to wake up. It's just so hard without Les here. Even with house mates I feel lonley, and my heart breaks every time I realize he'll never come back.
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