Erin, thank you so much for befriending me and sharing with me.  I am reading everything that I pretty much feel when I read your words.  I am so very very sorry about Sean.  I totally get how July 4th is going to be because I just went through the same yesterday with July 1st Canada Day.  That was one of Wil's favourite days as he was a true historian and proud to live here.  I put on his favourite Canada tshirt.  I hung a couple of his flags.  And I sat outside in the dark with no one around me and listened to the fireworks and lost it.  I couldn't wait for them to stop.  I could talk to you endlessly about the emotions and ways the days and nights go.  It will be 3 months next Monday.  I too do not want to live this life.  Yes it is your life now.  Yes filled with sorrow and torment.  You hit the nail on the head.  I keep hoping I'll just die from a broken heart.  There is nothing now in my world.  Yes I have one daughter 20 years of age.  She lives on her own and leads a happy life.  I live my own life.  She can not understand why I am the way I am so she stays out of it.  Today I am going to shower and go pay rent.  Then probably sleep and cry, sleep and cry.  This won't get easier for us I am sure of that.