• Female
  • Anaheim, CA
  • United States
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About Me:
I am 55years old today. I was going to grow old with him. He was going to live until at least 75 years old. Not much to say about me. I just feel like an empty shell.
About my Loss:
My boyfriend of 9-10 years died suddenly of a heart attack next to me in bed. I tried to wake him up but he didn't. He left me at that moment. It was good that it happened so fast and that he went in his sleep. At least for him. My life has changed forever to be sad. The grief I feel is overwhelming and I don't think this will ever go away. I just want to crawl out of myself and be someone else so it won't hurt anymore. I never got to say goodbye or how much I loved him. Nothing or no one can help me with this pain. Everyone has been kind asking me if there is anything they can do or call them if there is anything I need. I know they mean well but the only thing that will make me feel better is to have him here now. I miss him soon much. If someone could just wake me up from this bad dream. Then I could appreciate him even more and take nothing for granted. I will never have that chance. I will never see him again or hold him again. I just can't deal with this. What is the point of doing anything. Everything I did was about him or for him. He was my everything. Now I am just lost and empty. I can't really call anyone. Mo one wants to just watch me cry and be miserable in front of them I am not very good company and there is nothing they can do for me. So what do I do with myself now. I don't want to meet anyone else I just want him back so badly but I know I will never have him back and I start feeling like I am having an anxiety attack. I just feel like screaming. Please just give me 10 minutes with him so I can say goodbye and tell him how much I love him and he can tell me that he is ok and that he loves me too and he can tell me what he wants me to do. Today is my birthday and I am so depressed. He should be here with me. That is the only thing that would make me happy again. I am a lost soul.
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Erin's Blog

Please wake me from this nightmare

Past few days have been pretty rough.i miss him more than my heart can stand. I can't come to terms with never seeing him again. I can't move on. I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with him not without him. So this is my life now? Filled with sorrow and torment? I don't want to do this anymore. I don't know what to do with me.

Posted on June 26, 2015 at 8:57pm

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At 12:52pm on July 11, 2015, Steve Suehiro said…

Erin,  thanks for accepting my friend request!  While I would not wish the loss of a spouse on my worst enemy, it does help to know that there are others who face the same daily struggles with loss as I. 

I recently joined a local meetup group of folk who, like me, recently lost their spouses - I figure it is better to be around others  rather than continuing to isolate myself, and I assume that these folks would understand what I am going through. My first meeting with them is this coming Tuesday, so I hope to come back to the page to share how it went.

Since you are also in the Southern California area, I can privately send you the info on the meetup group if that is something that you think might be beneficial to you.

Take care,

-Steve Suehiro

At 9:56am on July 2, 2015, Janet Hunter said…

Erin, thank you so much for befriending me and sharing with me.  I am reading everything that I pretty much feel when I read your words.  I am so very very sorry about Sean.  I totally get how July 4th is going to be because I just went through the same yesterday with July 1st Canada Day.  That was one of Wil's favourite days as he was a true historian and proud to live here.  I put on his favourite Canada tshirt.  I hung a couple of his flags.  And I sat outside in the dark with no one around me and listened to the fireworks and lost it.  I couldn't wait for them to stop.  I could talk to you endlessly about the emotions and ways the days and nights go.  It will be 3 months next Monday.  I too do not want to live this life.  Yes it is your life now.  Yes filled with sorrow and torment.  You hit the nail on the head.  I keep hoping I'll just die from a broken heart.  There is nothing now in my world.  Yes I have one daughter 20 years of age.  She lives on her own and leads a happy life.  I live my own life.  She can not understand why I am the way I am so she stays out of it.  Today I am going to shower and go pay rent.  Then probably sleep and cry, sleep and cry.  This won't get easier for us I am sure of that.


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