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Permalink Reply by roxydee on July 21, 2010 at 4:04pm

Hi, I lost my best friend and husband over a year ago (1.29.09) and though this is a pain that hasn't ceased to work me over , there are moments as the months have passed by that the space between one grief downward spiral and the next seems to be getting bigger. I don't think a day passes by where I don't say out loud "I miss Jason". Sometimes that utterance is like in wistfulness and quiet. Sometimes its like with rage and shaking my fist at the heavens. Sometimes its an anguished howl. Sometimes its broken and so lonesome I don't know how God or the creator or whomever is up there, can torture me so deeply and relentlessly. What really hurts me is when I sayy" I have to tell Jason..." and i Suddenly remember he's dead. How can that be when its been over a year that I've not slept with him, seen his smile or felt his touch. Sometimes my body feels like it will never ever know the warmth of anyone's touch. And though my loss isn't the same type of individual and special person you lost, there are similar areas about loss that are universal.

The most common is the question "Why?" and feeling like no one on Earth really and truly understands what you are going thru. And that is true. I had to crawl out of my cocoon and reach out to strangers when I started to feel guilty over whining and having every single day of my life lensed through Jason's death. I dragged my butt to church after not going to one for ten years or more. And the first six months every single service I wept. Inside there was a rage that if I had given voice to it, I would have been wailing like a banshee. And there are points when the hurt is so deep and gut and soul level that I wonder - i truly wonder how can I hurt that much and still be sane.

Sanity seems so fragile at these moments. The only thing I can say, is even if it seems you are alone, you aren't. My mother decided to (i mean accidentally) got sick and needed light chemo right around the time after I had my husband's memorial service. My son came back home to live with me. And to top it off, I got a shelter dog because at one point not long after his death, i held a neighbor's dog in my arms and had felt silence. The first time i had ever felt that in the long months of this ordeal. So i got a dog. Which may or maynot have been the best thing for a dog to be in the care of someone in total grief meltdown.

We had a time of it getting to a place of harmony. She was a scapegoat sometimes for my anger. But these special people - mom, my son (19 yrs old at the time) and this little prima donna dog - kept me anchored during the time i wanted to go down the drain.

Take it one day at a time. Find your own reason to hold on thru the worst of the hurricanes of emotions that yoru grief will put you thru. Know that you will know moments of hell but on the other side you will one day feel the sun. Its a roller coaster.

A final good piece of advice a man gave to me "the quickest way to get thru the heartbreak is to embody the qualities you loved most about your friend/lover/husband/mom/etc." My man's gift was his soulful heart that allowed him to feel moved and cry unrestrained when his emotions came upon him. When I weep, in some heart way, I know I am him.

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Permalink Reply by Byron Eugene Jordan on July 22, 2010 at 10:06pm

Your very special also. To have been blessed with such a great friend, mother and sister as one. Just think about that one. And think maybe someday you can be that for someone else. I am sure your special friend or say sister in not only in your eyes. But in the eyes of our great lord Jesus christ.
And I do understand the part in letting anyone get to close to you at this time. Because I feel about the same now. But at the sametime I have been through so much. Until its like I guess that I am use to whatever life dishes out to me.
What I hope for or feel that someday your heart will open up again. So someone can have with you in what you had with your best friend. In that your best friend lives on with you.

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Permalink Reply by michael sandoval on January 15, 2011 at 1:32pm

Dear Tiffany. My condolences. Grief therapy is working fore only in the sense that it is the only thing I look forward to and the dr is an expert and I feel comfortable talking about my loss. I do not feel comfortable talking or crying with friends and family. Hope we can be friends

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