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Comment by kim on December 12, 2015 at 9:01pm

thank you all for helping me understand my hate. I have gotten rid of the pople in my life that said that and that are not here for me or my son.  so now I have no family or friends left.  but I just don't care any more. I just need my son, the love of my life forever. I have been praying my heart out that he comes home to me at x mas, just to hold me, to hear mom again for just that min in time. I do know hes here trying so hard to help me, I can smell him  every where.  but my only wish is to die to be with shawn, I ask god to save a child and take me.  why wont he answer me why?  please let me die, let me be happy again, smile again, please 

Comment by Rj on December 12, 2015 at 6:51pm

Hello Kim....how are you holding up dear?

Comment by kim on November 28, 2015 at 8:33pm

I know im full of hate  for my family who wont talk to me any more, they think I should be over it by now. they wont talk about shawn, they want nothing to do with me. my so called friends I have had all my life want nothing to do with me, they said I brought them down, to go on with my life now,  HATE dam straight I hate them all. I get up get dressed go see shawn everyday, come home  and go back to bed and I cry and cry and cry. no one  holds me , crys with me, no ones here for me.  no one understands my pain, loseing my only child the love of my life my son shawn. I am alone  empty and pray to die. I cant take another holiday, shawns fav x mas. without him  im broken, I hate happy people, people that laugh, ill never be happy, ill never laugh again.  thank you jesses mom the poem was so nice and very true.  and thank you toni for understanding. I wish my family would.  we don't do x mas or any other holiday any more.  on those days I just  cry and when I go see shawn I let balloons go, I watch them till I cant see them anymore then I know shawn got them.  the pain is getting worse,  the tears  harder. god just take me to him I beg you, stop my pain please help me.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on November 28, 2015 at 7:48pm

Here is a poem another bereaved mom shared early on:

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Comment by Toni Jones on November 28, 2015 at 7:09pm

Hi Kim. You are full of hate, but most certainly not in the way most people think. You hate that your son was taken from you. Hate all the things people are expecting from you when all you want is to hear his voice, to see him, hug him and hold him. If you didn't feel some hate, I would be worried. Your anger, frustration, loneliness  and even fear rule us all now. My Jamey has been gone 1 year, 8 days and you bet I hate. But it's the kind that lets  me keep going. I feel your pain and I  carry it with you. Somehow, you will wake up tomorrow and be able to stand up because of the love you always carry with you. Your "hate" is nothing more than a crutch we need until we find some other way.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on November 27, 2015 at 9:32pm

Hi Kim, just wanted to respond. Who says you are so full of hate? That is not true. You are a broken hearted mama, and NO ONE, no NOT ANYONE should be saying that to you. Shame on them. In great kindness I say this, those who are saying this kind of garbage to you, I would give them a big exit. I had too for some, and I don't regret it.

Hugs. Remember love is eternal and it reaches across the divide.