Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
My mother had a stroke in October of 2015. She changed over night due to the aphasia and brain damage. She was a new person, half of who she once was. I began grieving my mother in October. I turned of all emotion and detached myself during the caregiving. It was just way too hard for me to deal with her conditions and my father's emotions. My family are gifted with abilities, mine was empathy and third sight. Most may not believe in that stuff, but it is more than real to me due to years of dealing with it.
I was dealing with my emotions, my mom's suffering, and my dad's emotions. I had to totally cut myself off from feeling anything. I felt nothing during my mother's illness. I still loved my mom, but I just couldn't allow myself to give in to her emotions or my daddy's. It was just too hard. I would have lost my mind back then as I am now. I've had people call me stupid, self-centered, or bratty because I couldn't stomach my mother's suffering or illness during my care for her. I didn't have the mental ability to deal with it. She wanted to kill herself on a daily basis and made sure we knew it. She would lash out at us and do all sort of horrible button pushing. She would tell everyone she hated them. She told me on more than one occasion that she knew I didn't love her because I couldn't show her compassion.
She was more than wrong. I loved her too much. She was my soul mate. I couldn't accept the fact that she was living on borrowed time and that if I had given in even a bit showing compassion to her, it meant that I supported her will to die. I couldn't support that. I couldn't support it in the least. When my father decided to let her starve to death, I couldn't accept it. They refused to feed her. She had a stroke on her right side in 2015 and her left in 2017. I couldn't accept anything. My mind was basically gone at this point.
I was grieving my mom from 2015 and now my mom from 2015 to 2017. I was pissed off at myself because I couldn't support her during her sickness. I just couldn't support her in wanting to die. Giving up isn't an option to her or never was before the stroke. I couldn't sit by her side and help her operate a computer or even talk to her for that matter for long periods of time because it made me shrivel inside to see her suffering. I just was paralyzed emotionally as she was physically. No one gets it and no one understands. It's why I trust no one nor talk to anyone. This is as close to honesty as I have written or tried to confess. I hate myself and I hate the way my mother died. What am I to do?
I've lost all my friends, my family, and my mother. The one person who supported me my entire life, I had a hard time supporting in the end. Why did I do this? I couldn't even read the Bible to her. I was and still do carry so much anger toward myself for this. I was never angry at God, he didn't shove the cigarettes down the throat her whole life and didn't make her heart as it was, she did. She is the one that chose to kill herself years before it happened. I guess I'm still angry.