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I've been praying nightly to God. I remember when Mommy was sick, when she was in the bed. Mommy always said she was mad at God for her condition. I told her outright, "Mommy God didn't shove the cigarettes down your throat, you did that all on your own. It is your own fault you are in that bed right now." No matter how bad Mommy got, I never once blamed the Lord. I couldn't. It was like the same reasons I was overweight and morbidly obese as a young adult. I was the one who loved food. I realized that all this time I haven't been angry at God, I was angry at my own mother for her condition.
I am still without emotions and I don't want to be around people, I hate dealing with anyone's feelings or emotions right now. I am at war with just about everything in my life. The one thing that I am feeling is peace and that is about it. I can't explain it or deny the presence of God anymore. I think He's trying to help me little by little.