The sun will be coming up soon. As yet I've not gone to bed. What is the use when I can't sleep. The last time I went to the doctor he gave me something to help with that, but so far it hasn't done a thing. So most nights find me in front of my computer, a lot of times just staring into space.
One week from today and it will be Irene's 35th birthday. I wonder what she would look like. Would the tiny lines around her eyes be starting to show? Would she still have that long, long hair or would she have cut it off again just above her shoulders? She was always so thin, would she have gained a pound or two? Would she have decided to have a baby? So many questions and as always no answers. When she died she left a hole in my heart. There is less laughter, less happiness. The sun will never be as bright. My whole world changed and became this darker, scarier place. I grew up.

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Comment by Katherine Ellis on May 13, 2009 at 3:18pm
Gail~ one day I am fine. The next it is hour by hour. I hate this roller coaster of emotions. I just want her here so I can touch her, hug her, hold her. Say one last 'I love you". I believe that someday we will meet on the other side but that seems so far away. I'm disappointed in myself becasue I should be farther along in my grief than this (or so people tell me). I feel pulled in so many directions. I want to cry but the tears won't come. Today I feel emotionless. Nothing but depressed. I dont want to be me. When will I smile again? Laugh again? Ever be happy. If Irene was here she would be so disappointed in me.
Comment by Gail Richardson on May 13, 2009 at 3:05pm
Katherine - my thoughts are with you as Irene's birthday draws close once more. I'm still not sure how we are supposed to feel on these days and it's been my experience that every year is different - some better, some worse. Guess we just have to take it as it comes and at least know that we will get through the other side.
My daughters Angel date and birthday are within two days of each other next month. I'm already beginning to feel that gnawing in the pit of my stomach as I get ready for the roller coaster of emotions I know I'm going to go through.

The only thing that keeps me going in these times is the support of my friends - my bereaved Mum and Dad friends that have become like a family to me.
We'll be there for you too - you only have to call.
Take care and God bless

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