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Comment by Kar on May 11, 2009 at 6:04pm

Hi Nicole, I am a 42 year old mother of 3. I lost my father, nephew, and then my 16 yr old son. I just wanted to send you a ((( HUG ))) and a thought . . . as a mother about the same age as your Mom. Please try not to be so hard on your self, I am certain your Mom knew how very much you love her - And there is nothing she would have wanted more than you to be okay & find happiness. That is how you can make her even prouder. I would do absolutely anything to trade places with my son. So I am certain your moms choice would be to be in this world with you - but, since she can't she is so glad it was her & not a child of hers.

Comment by Katie Grace on May 5, 2009 at 9:13am

I hope you find the peace you are looking for and the love of God in your heart...Im really sorry to hear about your mother, I feel a lot of pain from losing my mother as well...I truely believe that sometimes people who have passed away revisit us in other ways (dreams, a presence that is unexplanable, etc.) to let us know they are in better hands, they just want to help us through the pain so we can live our lives more fully because they don't wanna see us hurting...I pray you find the comfort you are looking for!

Comment by Lou LaGrand, Ph.D. on April 24, 2009 at 1:28pm

Nicole: As a counselor with 30 years of experience I can tell you that it is almost impossible to love someone and when they die not feel guilty about something. I see it all the time and it is what we call illegitimate guilt--there is not a true cause for it. You never did anything deliberately to hurt your mother. Get a copy of Love Lives On at your local library or through inter-library loan. Read about the nine survival skills and the many contacts that other mourners have had with deceased loved ones. You will see your mother again. Ask for a sign from your mother. And, it is healthy to talk to her. Tell her how you feel. She knows what is going on. Lou LaGrand

Comment by Robert Tinsley on April 24, 2009 at 11:36am

Nicole I have suffered great loss in my life,I also feel great guilt of things in the past ,but really i think the guilt is really just the totality of the love you never got to express,even though you knew maybe you feel like they didn't .I also think that other people act the way they do when the subject comes up because they dont know what to say to comfort you,if you are anything like me if a person says something the wrong way forinstace they may have ment it differently than i interpeted i have a tendancy to react with an angry or aggressive response thus making the subject a reluctant one for them because no matter what they say it will never comfort you at that time because you are upset at that point already due to the thought process you are in at that point.As far as feeling her rub your back enjoy it i do not everyone has that abillity!!! I hope you can find some thing i have said helpful i'm not saying i know how you feel i'm just speaking from personal experince

Comment by Margaret R. on April 24, 2009 at 11:10am

Nicole,
I don't think you are ever old enough to lose your mom! I was 41, my mom was 79. I didn't think I was old enough to lose her or she was old enough to pass.

For me, the jury's in on the afterlife. I am especially comforted by books by Elisabeth Kubler Ross (On Death and Dying) as well as Bill & Judy Guggenheim's Hello from Heaven. That gives me a window on an afterlife.

I lost my 20 year old son in January and am still reeling from the grief. I use anything that helps me cope with that heartbreak. One thing that has helped me is to write letters to my son and read them aloud. He and I was text message buddies and I desperately miss seeing a "bring me a pk of cigs?" followed by "love you uberly mucho." It helps to write and talk to him.

I've done the same thing with my mom and dad. Do they hear me? Will I ever know? I won't-for sure. But it helps me. You might want to try it, too.

Give me a shout if you need to visit. mgt5@hotmail.com
Margaret R.

Comment by Katie on April 24, 2009 at 9:19am

Nicole,
I know how you feel. My mom passed away this past February. She was 60, I am 24. It's awful to see things that remind me of my mom--especially all the things that I bought her, mostly clothes is what gets to me. I don't have that regret that you feel, but I can imagine how hard that must be because I am just trying to cope with the fact that my mom died peacefully, in her sleep, she was sick for a long time, and my whole family saw my mom all the time--and that's hard enough, guilt on top of that would be--insufferable. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. Pldshsnerd@aol.com.

Katie :)

Comment by Diana, Grief Recovery Coach on April 24, 2009 at 8:54am

NIcole,
I'm so sorry about your mom. Personally, I was very unsure about the afterlife, but now I believe because of what I have experienced and researched. You may want to check out some books about the afterlife. Your Eternal Self is one I have enjoyed. You can click on the link in the right sidebar to purchase. Periodically I will post material from this book also.
You are not alone. You can always talk here and feel safe and no one will judge you. (((((hugs)))))