Thank you to everyone that has responded in some way to my blog and my posts.  The interaction has helped.

It has not been enough for me though.  As I have said in previous posts; I need, want, and deeply crave human interaction.  And when I write three or for blog posts in a row that are read by few and not commented on, it just causes more feelings of isolation and loneliness.  

So I am moving my online grief operations to the Alliance of Hope website.  It is…

Yesterday I said I was not going to dwell on the loss of my wife Cheryl, today I am, at least in this blog post.

It's another morning and I have been lying in bed for a few hours hoping to fall back asleep.  But I have had no luck.  My mind of course has been thinking of Cheryl.  Of the more than 31 years we knew each other, and how we had so many experiences together that we could always share a private laugh.  And now those memories are only mine.  They feel like such a…

I am awake again, and have some anxiety.  When thoughts that I know just lead to pain have been entering my head, I try to change the subject.  Not having much luck right now, but I will continue doing it.  

I need to start to prepare for a trip on Tuesday.  Once again, I am going to attempt to return to work.  I failed a few weeks ago when I tried.  The physical and mental discomfort I felt while I waited at the gate for my delayed flight, led to a breakdown at the airport.…

Yesterday morning was difficult.   I had another doctors appointment.  I get anxious waiting in those little rooms that you get placed in while waiting your turn to see the doctor.  My mind immediately went to missing Cheryl, she was a nurse, she was my comfort.  And whenever I had some significant health issue she would accompany me and usually wait in the little rooms with me so it didn't seem like a prison cell.  I almost lost it while waiting alone there.  The doctor finally saw me,…

When I was driving home from a doctors appointment this morning around 11 a.m. I saw something I have never seen in my life.  I was on a major highway a few miles from the airport, and saw a large pickup pulled off on the side of the road ahead.  The pickup truck was a large double cab, the type a lot of contractors like to drive.  The doors were open on the side opposite the road, and as got closer I saw man moving rapidly back and forth by the door.  A little closer and it was clear as…

I have not written anything in three days.  My world has not improved in that time. Cheryl is still gone and my heart remains empty.  The world continues to turn, yet for me time remains frozen on 13 March, I can not disengaged from the events of that night.  

The last time I wrote here was 3 days ago. At that time I had a couple of physically good days.  I have had back issues flare up since this began and a least they were diminishing at that time.  Since then they have come…

Yesterday I was alone at home, my son had gone over to a friends house.  I did not want to remain there alone so I decided to go visit my mother.  My mother is 88 years old, has severe dementia, can no longer walk, and she is nearly blind.  She has been in a nursing home for the last 7 years.

When I visit my mother now, the best I can hope for is a moment or two of cognition, when she behaves in a way where she seems to understand what I am saying.  Even then she…

In the immediate aftermath of Cheryl passing, I was calling family and friends to let them know what happened and what the funeral plans were.  My son heard me during these conversations and at some point said, "I wonder if I should call Randy?"  I did not know anyone named Randy, so I asked him who Randy was, he told me he was, "a friend from the bar".

So I immediately started trying to learn more about Randy.  I had looked previously at my wife's cell phone trying to figure…

Every morning I wake up and very briefly before the fog clears, I expect to be in my old life.  Cheryl with me or at least I hear her up doing something in the house.  But then quickly the soul crushing realization of what has happened hits me.  It wasn't a bad dream, but my life has become the bad dream.  And there is no magic wand to fix it.

I wonder if the pain varies depending on your personality or role you played in the relationship.  For so many problems over the years…

It is 8:30 am now.  I still have not returned to work, due to back problems.  The damn birds are singing outside my window and it is another awful sunny spring day.  

It's been 2 months and a day since that terrible night when my wife died and my thoughts dwell continually on it. 

Here's how my days typically have gone in the last 2 months.  

--I wake early usually after 4 or 5 hours of restless sleep, I open my eyes and perhaps have 15 seconds…

As spring has progressed more songbirds return to my part of the country.  And for the past two weeks a few of them have chosen to perch outside my bedroom window and sing as the sun rises.   And when I see them they are rejuvenated.  They have molted into bright colored plumage.   In past years I don't recall being very bothered by them and if I heard them I would just roll over and go back to sleep.   But they seem so obtrusive now, their songs and bright colors represent life returning…

I got tired of just using the date as the title of my blog posts, so I am spicing it up.  

I have been trying to do more during the days.  Keeping busy, attempting to ignore my situation, it did help some today.  No major meltdowns, even when doing some unpleasant things.

I started the day by running to the post office.  Today I received the paperwork to file the life insurance claim for my wife.  I always had significant insurance on myself and a lot less for…

 After getting out of bed I did not feel awful, but when I got in my car to see my therapist, the short drive aggravated my back again.  And the combination of the back problems combined with the grief causes the anxiety to really ratchet up.  It was pretty bad several times today and this evening.  It has only started to decrease in the last 30 minutes.  Finally feeling some calm.  

Not feeling very verbose right now.

I hope everyone had a better day than…

This morning I have been thinking about all the aspects of my life that have changed as a result of my wife being gone.  It is daunting.

When I wake up the house is always quiet, my son never wakes before me.  So there is no one else stirring and starting the day.  I am immediately faced with the loneliness and confronted with my loss.

I am now a single parent of a mentally challenged son.  The task is daunting even though his disability is on the mild side.  He…

Today I continued to clean out my house with my sister, nephew, and sons help.  I did not find anything unexpected today as I did yesterday and several times in the past.  It did not make it any easier, today the loneliness and longing filled me.  I never could stay angry at my wife for any length of time and that continues now after she passed away.  

Today one of the things I wanted to get done was to pack and move all the photos out of the house.  There were a lot, due to…

My sleep difficulties have changed.  I was able to fall asleep relatively easily and waking very early.  Now, I can not fall asleep.  I has been after 3 am the last two nights when I finally doze off and when I do I immediately start dreaming.  Two nights ago the dream was a disturbing nightmare and I woke calling my wife's name.  I was so loud I woke my son in his bedroom.  Last night, I can not recall the dream, but it still woke me.  My mind does not want to settle down, going from awake…

Anger, is the theme of the night.

I have felt it at times but tonight it is filling me.  I am angry at my wife.  My wife chose to drink to excess that night and she chose to swallow a large amount of Xanax and Opana, and by doing so desert our family.  She chose to leave her son who is mentally handicapped, and certainly still needed her.  She chose to make  me a widower, she chose to hurt me more than I ever thought possible.  How cruel a choice, from the woman I loved for 31…

I could not fall asleep last night again.  I think it was nearly 4 am when I did doze off, and then I immediately started having an unpleasant dream.  All the details aren't necessary but it ended with something grabbing my arm and not letting go.  The next thing I know, I was yelling my wifes name for help, I was so loud I not only woke myself but my son too in his bedroom, quite unpleasant.  The only meaning that I can attach to it is the pervasive longing for my wife is rooted pretty…

Well I had just written about three paragraphs and my fingers slipped on the keyboard and it was all deleted, maybe the universe was just telling me that it stunk and wasn't worthy of the paper it was printed on.  So perhaps I should write something different.

It was a down and up day.  It did not start well, anxiety again.  I thought I would do basic chores today and stay away from obvious triggers.  I went out and bought a new lawn mower, nothing fancy,…

I am filled with anxiety right now.  Immediate worries and long term ones overwhelming me.  My back issues flaring up bad, right now.  Missing my wife so much, she was a nurse and always came to aid when health issues cropped up.  She always had a smile in the morning and never will I experience that again. I have no one to comfort me, and I need that so.  Why has the universe been so cruel?  My state needs to improve soon, I fear that it could warp my personality into something…