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I once told a woman I understood her pain when she told me her daughter was stillborn after birth. I had gone through a miscarriage years before and thought I knew what it was like to lose a child. N…
I once told a woman I understood her pain when she told me her daughter was stillborn after birth. I had gone through a miscarriage years before and thought I knew what it was like to lose a child. Now, 11 years later I know I could never have understood her pain until I lived it. On May 2, 2012 I have gave birth to twin boys who died within hours after birth because I was only 22 wks and 2 days pregnant. I cannot wipe from my mind the doctor standing next to my bed telling me I had done everything humanly possible to save the boys but there was nothing I or they could do. They were coming and there wasn't even a 1 percent chance they would make it. I was so angry. Here I had been fighting to save their lives for months because of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome and now I was being told I had lost the battle. That the children I felt moving inside me wouldn't be there within a few hours or a few days and they wouldn't be going home with me? Don't get me wrong, my faith is quite strong but I did question God. Why give me two blessings I had waited so long for and then suddenly take them away. Was I that unworthy? Were my sins that great that they must suffer because of me? For the next few hours I wrestled with these questions until the contractions grew stronger and after 9 hours I have birth to my first son and then 4 minutes later, my second. When their father brought them to me, I didn't want to hold them. "What was the point, they aren't going home with me alive." But I realized I wanted them to know their mommy loved them. So I held them and hummed "Amazing Grace" and watched them move their heads toward my voice for the first and last time. My heart soared because I knew they were going home to Heaven and hopefully someday I would meet them there. The next few hours we watched as both boys displayed little quirks of personality and then one died and then the other. The next few days were like a dream as I prepared hospital papers for discharge, funeral arrangements, and made phone calls letting people know what was going on. Some people avoided me because they were not sure what to say, some just hugged me, some said they didn't understand my pain but were there, and some said "I know exactly how you feel." The fourth type of people, though concerned, really bother me. Unless you've lost a child, you don't know the pain, the heart ache, and the guilt I feel. And I do not wish this loss on anyone. I thought back to years before when I told my friend that because of my miscarriage and realized I had done the same thing these people were doing. Losing my daughter (they could tell by her bone structure, I was 13 wks pregnant) had hurt, but watching my boys die hurt worse than anything I could imagine. Losing a child at any stage in pregnancy or life hurts. But, even people who have been there don't understand my pain because we all experience it differently. When someone who has miscarried tells me they understand, they were 5 or 6 wks pregnant and they know my pain. I want to scream, "No, you don't. You didn't get to see them grow. You didn't fight for their lives. You didn't feel them move and kick in your belly. You didn't feel them fighting inside you as the labor increased. You didn't get to hold them after they were born and wish you were just a week father so that 0 percent chance could at least increase to 1 percent. You didn't hope the strongest of the two made it to 6 hours so they doctors knew they could save him. You didn't watch them take their last breath. You didn't have to burry them. I did." But, instead, I just say okay or I say nothing. Sometimes I tell them the term that is used to describe my experience, "Newborn Death," and they just look at me. Everyone assumes they were stillborn, but they weren't. My sons were burn alive and fighting, but until modern technology can become more modern, boys or girls like mine can't be saved. Only loved until they are taken home to Heaven. And even after, we still love them forever here on earth..
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Comment by Ashley Thompson-Judd on May 27, 2012 at 12:16pm
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Thank you. Reading your message I know you understand the heart ache. I do not know the heart ache of losing someone you have loved for so many years and been through so much together, but know I am sending warm hugs and thoughtful prayers your way.
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Comment by Lynne M. on May 26, 2012 at 11:50am
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Ashley, I ran across this post and felt compelled to respond. First, of course, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I am currently grieving the loss of my husband of almost 41 years - he died not quite two months ago. Your post, however, reminds me of another loss, man years ago. My husband and I lost our first daughter, back in 1972. Her name was Heather Brooke and she was born full term and seemingly healthy. She weighed over 8 pounds and checked out just fine at birth, although my labor had been somewhat complicated. We celebrated her birth, held her, shared that precious time as a family - me, my husband and our beautiful new daughter. I went to sleep that night feeling so incredibly happy and blessed. Then I was awakened early the following morning and told that there "were problems"...that a nurse had found Heather not breathing and they'd resuscitated her and she was now in a special incubator. My husband had been called back to the hospital and was on his way. Our joy from the day before quickly turned to fear and we spent the day in and out of the nursery, watching things seem to go from bad to worse...she developed all kinds of complications and eventually died at 11:00 that night. We were absolutely devastated and in a state of shock and disbelief. The hospital coded it out as "newborn death" but we were never given any real explanation that made any sense to us - and certainly nothing that made our grief any less intense. My heart goes out to you because I WELL know the feelings and here, almost 40 years later, I can still feel it when remembering those days. The best and worst days of my life occurred one after the other and no one, absolutely no one, seemed to be able to identify with what I was going through. And now, I'm grieving again...over the sudden loss of my husband, Heather's father. Your post touched my heart greatly. Also, we were living overseas at the time and had no family there with us, no one but each other to turn to for comfort. Yes, you will always, but always, love your twins - just as I have loved and missed Heather for all these years - and I always will. Even though I was SO afraid to have another baby, fearing that the same thing would happen, we did go ahead and have another child, two years later...and that child has grown up to be my best friend...my daughter, Courtnay. She's also given us our grandson, Cooper. Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you, as your post resonated so greatly with me. I wish you all the best and, most especially, some peace and the grace to deal with this huge and tragic loss. Better days will come. I send you a big hug of understanding. Lynne
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Thank you.
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Comment by anna l. on May 24, 2012 at 1:47pm
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I am soo sorry for your loss. There are no words I can offer to give you comfort but you have found a place where many of us have lost a child and can at least offer understanding. Thank heavens for the huggers in this world. I dont think we could make it without them. Here is one from me too. ((((((((( )))))))))))))))
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SOOO Sorry for your pain.... ((((((HUGS))))
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