Well plan A continues to fail.  I have note woken from this bad dream yet.  Plan B also has been fruitless, my time machine still isn't working.  I currently have no plan C so I guess I will continue to write about my daily angst.

I saw my therapist again today, she's a good listener, but she seems to be running out of helpful advice.  I will continue to see her as long as I feel better when I leave.  

After that, I went home.  My oldest sister came over to pick…

So many emotions are running through my head this morning, the loneliness which is ironically becoming my constant companion, anger at my wife for deserting us, fear of how can I manage the future and care for my son without her.  All of them combining for a big anxiety cocktail to start the day.

My son is a large concern for me, he is a mentally challenged 19 year old young man. Many of my fears swirl around him.  Will I get him to a point of being able to live independently?…

I slept very poorly last night. I did not actually fall asleep until after 4:00 am this morning.  My phone rang at 9:00 am waking me.  It was the funeral director calling me to tell me my wife's death certificates came in.  So it was with mixed feelings I woke up.

I picked up the certificates and scanned down to the cause, it was listed as accidental, combined drug poisoning.  I knew it was the drugs & alcohol and was thankful the document did not list the cause as…

I can't sleep.  It's 3:15 am in the morning here and I am mired in my thoughts.  I made the mistake of falling asleep on the sofa in the early evening and I think that brief nap is causing me problems now.

Today was spent going through more of my wife's things with my sister and nephew.  It was difficult.  One of the boxes we opened had some old photos of my wife from before she met me.  My wife had been briefly married before we met for about a year, and the photos I found…

I wonder just how long it will take me to wake up, and not have my thoughts immediately focus on missing my wife.    I can say not today.  

Perhaps writing this stuff every day will establish a timeline that others can look in the future.  I hope it has some positive use to others.

So here it is more than 7 weeks away from my wife.  The anxiety seems to be somewhat less than other days, feeling very lonely though.

I live out in the country with no…

Today I was busy for most of the day, and it helped.  

I may have written it here before, but my wife had accumulated a tremendous amount of things over the course of our marriage.  So now I have the task of making the house my and my sons house and that entails cleaning out her things.  I am saving photos and things with real sentimental value but that is small compared to the mountains of stuff that needs to go.  I do not want to live in a shrine.  I am not doing this to…

Intense longing for my Cheryl all day,  I have not been able to shake it.

I went for a few mile walk in the park with my son and lost it while there.  Then my son wanted some ice cream so we went by the shop in town that we like.  Adjacent to the ice cream shop is a consignment store that my sister had taken many of Cheryl's clothes.  I made the mistake of looking…

Well here I am again. It's morning and I am alone, contemplating my loss, longing, trying to stave off anxiety, trying to imagine a better future and think of something positive.

I was reading on anxiety last night, since it seems to be the most damaging to my psyche right now and found this on the Psychology Today…

It's May, perhaps this month will start an upturn for the better.

I woke this morning with anxiety hitting pretty bad, my mind went to some pretty dark places at that point.  I then started to read an article about the Dutch Tulip Bulb Bubble of the early 1600's and the wave of anxiety passed.  I need to remember that anxiety comes in waves and I was able to get out of it just by focusing on reading.  I also heard from the old friend who contacted me last week again, I was…