on may 8th 2010--i lost my wonderful husband suddenly and unexpected--for he was only 48 years old--the cornerer claimed it was cardiac arrest--the dc said cardiac arrythmia--but then the donor organization told me the pathology report claimed he had cancer which there were no signs or symptoms of him having cancer

 

this is my heartbreak--on may 8th we were across state for a wedding for a niece of ours--my husband came into the front room where i was and sat down in a chair by me--he told me he couldnt catch his breath--i asked him if he wanted to go to the doctor and he said yes--i ran down stairs to get my coat and jacket for it was cold and raining that day--i handed my insurance card to my sister-in-law for she was going to see if we were covered under their hospital network--by the time i got back to fred--he was sweating like crazy--he thought he was hyperventlating--we got him a paper bag--my sister-in-law went and got her blood pressure monitor--fred's eyes rolled to the back of his head and i started screaming "no fred no" amd walked away--my sister-in-law took his blood pressure and said it was low and we needed to call an ambulance now--my brother went to help my sister-in-law and then my brother called the ambulance and went outside to wait for them--my-sister-in-law called for my brother and i went outside to get him and stayed outside--the 1st paramedic arrived--and my brother came out and told me to go inside--as i went in the paramedic called a code blue--and i went hysterical--for i wasnt able to go to fred when he needed me the most--i was taking into the other room and needed to be treated myself they claimed i needed to be calmed down before they could let me go--they took my husband in the ambulance to the hospital as to where they didnt do anything to try and bring him back--i couldnt go in the ambulance with him as i should have been there for him when he needed me the most--when we got to the hospital i was informed that my wonderful husband was gone and i have been devasted ever since

 

my life has been turned upside down--i have no friends(expect one who lives in another state several hours away who i met online) and no family close by--nor are we a close knit family--for i have been left alone in this world--the one and only child fred and i were able to have died 2 hours after his birth--it took me 2 years to face the world again after our sons death and that was with fred's help and i know it will take me a lot longer with the loss of my wonderful husband

 

i dont sleep and i dont eat much--whatever i managed to get down i have to force it and then sometimes it wont stay down--i cant stop blaming myself for everything i did wrong that day--i should have known better and i should have said to call an ambulance right away and i didnt--fred was always so strong and healthy--neither one of us knew that he had cancer like i stated above i didnt know until i got the pathology report--for their were no signs or symptoms--nor did he ever complain of any pain or feeling ill

 

i am so lost with out him--i want my life back--for now i am destine to spend the rest of my life alone--i am to young to be with out him--fred was always so full of life and he had many friends--and now i have no one--fred was so kind and gentle and would give his last dime to anyone in need of it--and his work here wasnt finished for he had so much more to do in this world

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Replies to This Discussion

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a terrible burden to face. I lost my mother in April and it's terrible and difficult, but I am lucky to have a large and close knit family. Can you reach out to his friends? Maybe they would support you during this time.
sorry to hear about your mom--and i tried reaching out to fred's friends but they are all couples now and dont want me around--especially since i am so sad and depressed all the time
So sorry for what you are going through, I lost my boyfriend to a heart attack on Aug 2, I said goodbye to him when I left for work and that was the last time I saw him alive. There are times when I feel like I will go out of my mind from the grief.I miss him so much, I have started to see a counselor and it has helped some. If you can do that ,it would be helpful I think to talk to someone about your grief. I really don't have aalot of family support so I found talking to the counseler helped.
hi terry,

i am so sorry for your loss--the last words i was able to say to my husband was do you want to go to the doctor--and he shook his head yes--so i never even got to tell him how much i love him before i lost fred

and yes i did see a counselor and they told me there was "nothing i can do for you" and they told me this after i told them i wouldnt let them read my journal--since i felt as though they are my private thoughts and feelings

and i was also told that i no longer can talk about fred or my son zach who we also lost 2 hours after his birth at work--so the world has more or less shuned me and treats me like i am an infectious disease

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