Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Bern on January 18, 2013 at 11:21am

Sue, OR ANYONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY YOUR SON OR HUSBAND/FAMILY DON'T WANT TO HEAR OUR CHILDREN'S NAME..//I AM GOING CRAZY! IT IS LIKE DON'T SAY MY SON'S NAME...T.J.,T.J., T.J., FORGET HE WAS HERE....AT MY HOUSE, IT IS LIKE GO WATCH TV AND DON'T TALK...GO COOK...DON'T TALK ABOUT T.J. WHY?

WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM? I ASKED MY HUSBAND, HIS RESPONSE WAS, "WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT TO SAY, HE IS GONE, AND CAN'T COME BACK! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT TO SAY? Our child was his best and only friend, now don't mention his name. I don't understand, So this is how Men Act! Also, since we don't have anything else to talk about, I don't want to be physical either. He does, but why be physical with someone you don't talk to? I can't figure that one out.

Permalink Reply by Shirlee Smith on January 18, 2013 at 11:42pm

Berna

For some men that is their way of dealing with loss. I know when my husband dad passed away we were not to talk about him. My husband did not shed a tear refused to go in the funeral home and we lived next door to his parents. His dad passed at home and the way it happen his dad was using the bathroom and had a heart attack my husband had to run over there in the middle of a snow storm in the middle of the night in his undershorts. He acted the same way when his mother passed a year ago. I believe our son passing was just too much for him as he cries all the time. Some men just think if they do not talk about it then the pain will go away. There is no way that is the perfect way to greive. We each have our own way that our minds allow us to deal with certain things. My husband is a very strong person and I almost fell over one time when he stated that the worste thing he had ever seen was a person who was burned alive and that the smell was the worste thing he had ever smelled I tried to get him to talk about it and he said no I refuse to discuss it and just maybe one day that horrible site and smell will go away. I know myself it helps me to talk about it, my husband he deals with it by crying a great deal and our daughter she will only talk about her brother if he is brought up or something reminds her of him. The loss of a child can and has torn families apart and although I do not know you or your family I do not believe that your son TJ would want you and your husband to fight or become far apart from each other over his death. I know that I cry and want to scream and when it gets too bad I think of my son Joe and what he would have wanted and when his dad starts crying uncontrollably I tell him Joe would not want you to get upset and cause yourself to be in a lot of pain due to the stress that you are putting on  yourself and he will walk around the house dry his eyes and say you are right. Please try and get your husband to go to therapy with you for your son.

Permalink Reply by Bern on January 19, 2013 at 12:01am

I will read and re-read this message everytime I am down...That means I will continue to read it daily. Thank you for your support. I  wish I could have another child not to replace TJ but just to be needed again. We looked forward to watching them grow up and teach their children. Now, this has happen. I don't know why our child..Such an un-natural death.

Permalink Reply by Shirlee Smith on January 19, 2013 at 7:09pm

Berna

I understand what you are saying today has been really hard for me as it makes three months since I lost my son. I have tried to be positive all day and stay busy but it is really hard. I know that you think your husband does not need you but he does he just does not know how to show you. Just remeber you can honor your son by finding a way to break down that wall that your husband like so many men put up.

Permalink Reply by Rebeke Kirsch on January 26, 2013 at 7:40pm

I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying to think of what to say. I guess I'll just share Jack's story... a condensed version.

My husband and I adopted Jack when he was a few weeks old. When we went to meet him, it was like he was a little magnet, just stuck to me, and I knew he was the one. Unfortunately, he had a few conditions and I knew that I wouldn't have him forever. To be honest I'd rather not talk about that in particular; the rest of this is hard enough to say. I feel like I'm dying every second I think of it.

He had a lot of challenges presented to him because of his being special needs, but he was perfect none the less. He was a trouble maker when he was a little one, and though he tested my patience, I'd do it all over again if I could, a million times.

A few months after he turned 8 he started to have problems with his legs. The doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong and all the tests came back negative. We just figured perhaps it was tied into his condition and just kept a very close eye on him. Things got better and the symptoms seemed to disappear. A few weeks later, however, he started to behave differently. He wasn't eating as much as usual, so I thought perhaps he had a cold or something, but then his breathing became labored and I took him in. It all happened so fast, and it was like, one second he was there, and the next he was gone. It was Christmas Eve morning.

It turned out that he had had something very seriously wrong with his heart, something he was born with, and he likely wouldn't have made it past his teen years. I had already known from his other conditions that he would likely not be with me as long as I wanted him to, but I didn't realize it would be quite so short and I just don't know how to go on.

My family has been wonderful through all of this, and if it wasn't for their love and support, I probably would have died myself.

Permalink Reply by Bern on January 26, 2013 at 8:27pm

The pain hurts! We will make it through this. We have had to go through my sons things. He was only 20. My husband and I going through our son things have made me get rid of things I really don't need. We are heart broken and don't know how to survive this terrible event in our lives. We get up everyday keep moving.. We not sure where and what directions. But the days continue to come. We cant keep time. That is the hard part.

Permalink Reply by Rebeke Kirsch on January 27, 2013 at 1:06am

I haven't even touched Jack's things... I'm not ready for that. I suppose I can't keep it all forever but I can't bear to give any of it up. Feels almost like getting rid of part of him.

Permalink Reply by Rebecca Hill Loflin on January 26, 2013 at 8:29pm

Rebeke,  So sorry for your loss.  I know the horrible pain of missing a son.  I am so happy you have had support from your family.  My family chose to support the wife of my deceased son instead of me.  A person who does not have anything to do with me or never lets us see our precious grandchildren ~Marty's children.  Marty would hate the way I have been treated and would not understand why, but that doesn't matter what happens to me.  The pain is from missing my wonderful son Marty.  Marty died from a heart procedure.  The dr made a horrible mistake. Was it an inadequate diagnosis from the dr with your son?  Dr.'s think they know it all.  I hope no one ever has to encounter the surgery from the dr who operated on Marty. 

 

Becky Loflin

Marty's Mama

 

Permalink Reply by Rebeke Kirsch on January 27, 2013 at 1:10am

I don't think it was, honestly. The doctor seemed very knowledgeable and very upfront about everything that was going on. Her explanation  though I was in a bit of a daze at the time, was that his heart was malformed and was likely that way from birth, and that even if we'd caught it early on the chance that they'd have been able to do anything was rather slim. I just thought it would be something else that would take him from me, something we'd already known about. I thought it would be his liver, or his kidneys, since he'd been sickly all his life. I knew that one or the other would likely take him from me before his prime, I just... it's just much too soon. But like I told my husband, he could've been 105 and it would've been too soon for me.

Permalink Reply by Robin C. Scott on January 26, 2013 at 9:37pm

I lost my only son the morning of Jan 31, 2012. At 38 years old, he died of a bloodclot to his heart. I got a call from his wife early that morning-crying. She said the hospital called and told her they had her husband in the ER, and she needed to come as soon as she could get there. They wouldn't tell her anything else. I told her to get to the hospital, and I would try to get info from the fire department. I called them, and they said the only call they'd had was a medical call that morning-not a wreck or anything awful like that. So I sort of relaxed, and called the ER. They did the same thing with me that they'd done with my son's wife- no info given.I told them I was his mother-I lived out of state. They said no info could be released until a family member came. I knew then it was bad-but I didn't want to believe it. Then came the second call from my son's wife. The words rang in my ears: "HE DIED" I think part  of my own heart died then too. Since then, every day has been horrid. The viewing was horrid, the funeral was horrid, and I can hardly do anything but grieve. I am broken and spent. I have 3 daughters-all younger than my son. I also have his daughter from his first marriage. She is 13, and is also grieving terribly. My husband is a mess, and can only complain about everything. He uses that as his outlet. I go outside and yell at God a lot, I ask Him why??? Why my son-who worked hard every day, who was a good christian, who was my first born only son? I feel like I could die myself-but I have to take care of his child, and my daughters need me. I am in tears as soon as I wake up in the morning, and swallowing is hard for the constant lump in my throat. It's so hard to go on-to want to go on. Bits and pieces of memories pop up in my mind and it's bittersweet. Good memories, but bring on more tears.And the worst thing of all- he was on his way to work-all alone in his truck. He knew something was happening, and pulled off the side of the road. Another person saw, and called the squad. He'd started turning blue by the time they got there. They tried so hard to save him, but they just couldn't. I wasn't there to hold his hand or tell him I love him. None of our family was there. He was alone when he died. It's a nightmare!!! How does this happen?? It doesn't happen to us- it's crazy stuff you hear from other people. I thought if you truly believe, all things are possible? So what's with the death of my son?? I had all faith in God that He had my family in His hands-safe and sound. His wife cremated him, so I can't even go to a graveyard to grieve. It's as though some evil thing just came and took my son and left me nothing but pain and misery. I don't think I can EVER get over this.

Permalink Reply by Bern on January 26, 2013 at 10:35pm

Hi Robin,

My 20year old son was shot! I don't know who/why they shot him. He left left 2 beautiful children with his girlfriend. I am glad to hear that you had your only son for 38 years. I wished that was me. Talking about a horror story. He was shot in the head. I had to make sure the casket remained closed. My son left the house going to friend, they say to get his things, 4 hours later someone put it on Facebook my son was shot, pray that he make it. I am losing my mind. I don't want to leave my house again. If I could I would never leave. No one helped my son that night. So I don't think I should go in the public and pretend to be alright and smile. My husband and I always helped others, now who is helping us. My family and friends don't call me anymore. They want me to tell them what happen. I can't cause I don't know. I did not know that I love this child as much as I do. At age 20, he was a challenge. But all 20 years olds are. My husband want to "get back what we had". We been married over 20 yrs. I don't want or need to be physical with him anymore. I loved to cook and now I cry everytime I go in the kitchen. Knowing my son will never ask me "Mama, what we eating." My son left us here alone. He told me he was all I needed. I have raised my mother 2 children, she died. I help my husband raise his daugther from a previous teen marriage. I was always told I would be blessed.

So Now, I ask myself,if this is thanks/blessing...to raise 3 children, 3 of my own. And to have my only son taken. Why? I send myself to school to make it better. My mother left me nothing but her children...I started from nothing. Now, I don't have my only son.

Permalink Reply by Shirlee Smith on January 27, 2013 at 12:31am

Robin

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my only son on 10/19/12 he was 27. He also died all alone. He was on his way home from a friends house that morning and was killed when his truck hit a tree and he was thrown out the back window. The police said he was speeding and lost control in a curve but where the accident occured at he would not have been speeding as everyone who lives around here knows that is where the police sit to catch speeders. I thought an autopsy would be done and never requested one so I will never really know what happened with my son. Both my husband and I believe he had a heart attack or stroke and that is what caused the accident. We also had our son cremated and we bought jewelry pieces to put a small amount of his ashes in so that a part of him would be with us at all times. My husband wears his and my daughter and I have ours on on key chains. It has helped me to know that he is always with me no matter where I go and my poor husband it has helped him some because he says he is right next to his broken heart. I knew in my head that losing a child was one of the worst pains a parent will ever endure as I lost a brother when I was 17 and he was 15 and watched my mom for the next 30 years go through hell. My brother left behind a teenage pregnant girlfriend and she had a son which my mom and step-dad raised so that helped my mom a great deal. My son had no children so I do not have a part of him to live on. He was our baby and only son. He also was my husbands caregiver so to speak when my husband became unable to work he ask our son to quit his job and help him with our kennel as well as to do the things around the house that he could not longer do. It has been extremely hard to go on. See I found out about our sons accident and death on my way to work I came upon the accident and when I seen the tailgate of the truck I knew it was my son and parked my car and got out and started running to the truck I did not make it as a bunch of first responders and firemen stopped me all I remember was that some man just kept telling me how sorry he was and me screaming that he needed to fix it. Since this happened 2.8 miles from where we live I have to pass that spot every day when I go to work and come home as there is no other way for me to get out of where I live without passing that spot. I also am very angry at God for taking my son and do not understand why and how he could allow this to happen to the same family twice as my own mother went through losing a child and now me. I also cannot understand how God could bless me with two children and then take one back as when I was 18 the doctors told me I would never have children. I take one day at a time and sometimes those days I am taking it minute by minute.

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