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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Judy H on
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I wish we all lived near eachother so we could start a group. I have been trying a grief support group locally where I live, but I am the only one that feels my life is done and wants to die to be with my husband. Everyone else is in the "it gets better mindset" except for me. Life will NEVER get better without my sweet husband. He was everything in this world to me and I honestly don't care about anything else. I love my pets, but I miss my husband so much that my soul literally hurts. I have a constant feeling of emptiness and deep sorrow with a lump in my chest and a sick stomach and it's with me during the day and even when I try to sleep ! How is someone supposed to "go on" like this? I honestly don't feel that some of the people that I have talked to that lost their spouses loved theirs the way I did and STILL DO because they are traveling and talking about how they have "enjoyed thier Summer" ! How do you "enjoy" anything when you lose your life partner that you would GIVE YOUR LIFE FOR? I don't know what those people's definition of LOVE is, but like you Blue Bird, we loved looking at antiques together. He loved old tools and car parts, and I love furniture and things like that, but I am sick now everytime I TRY to go look at antiques because I want him there with me ! I also took real estate courses and I love real estate, but now when I look at homes I feel sick because the joy of looking was and getting my license was only because HE would be there to share it with me ! I am a dead spirit in a moving body and I don't see how that will ever change.
It does help me more to talk with you guys though than it does to go to the grief group I have been trying because you are in the same place I am with feelings. It has not helped me at all to hear people that seem to go on with thier life like it's just a "thing that will ease with time". I lost my sweet father several years ago and GOD KNOWS I loved and still love my daddy, but it is definitely a different kind of loss to lose my husband because he was my companion in EVERYTHING and the person I shared everyday life with. My husband was the one person that helped me through that loss but there is no one to help me with the loss of my sweet husband. Everyday without him is torture.
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Permalink Reply by JessiFox on
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I'm so sorry, Judy. Like you, I would find no solace in a support group like that because it does seem they are all about "moving forward", "moving on", "being happy with your new life", etc. I can not and will not ever move on or be happy. I can't even get a second in the day where I am not on the edge of killing myself! Where I'm not aware that I'm in constant agony.
With my husband it was so different...we could do anything, or nothing at all, and I would be happy and content. Even the bad things, I said many times (and it is the truth) that I could get through ANYTHING so long as he was by my side. His death is the only thing I just can not recover from. Now even if anything "good" were to happen, I couldn't accept it or enjoy it because he should be here sharing it.
You're so right about it being unlike any other loss. Losing your true soulmate, the only thing that even comes close in my opinion is losing a child.
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Jessifox,
I do totally understand. I feel the same way, there is not one second of the day or night that I am not feeling sick. I will never have the feeling that everything is "ok" again for instance today was Friday and I sat at the light on my home from work watching all of the other people all happy because it is Friday and l could tell they were all looking forward to their weekend and I felt so extremely sad that I had those happy Fridays when I was looking forward to going home to my sweet husband and having our weekend together. EVERY night was like that when I got off work and I knew he was there waiting for me, and I will never have that feeling again. Everynight I come home, feed my pets, MAYBE eat something myself if I am up to it, and I sit in the chair and cry. The pain is so deep and I still feel panicked at the thought that my husband's soul is not on this earth with me. I cannot stand it and I pray my days here without him are few. I am in the process of paying so I can go into the same spot he is in at the cemetary and I am having a companion gravestone made for us and it is sad, but I cannot wait to be in that spot with him just to be close to him.
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Yes, I know that exact feeling all too well already :(.
I wish none of us had to go through this- I wish the 'it gets better' camp could just go and get better, preferably away from us. And that we could get what we want and not suffer another second of this agony away from our loved ones.
That sounds a little hard to deal with, are you doing okay with the whole process?
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Judy,
I can see how a group like that might help some people here, but for myself I wouldn't want to participate -- I really prefer not to be with people at all, since my husband died, though at least the people here wouldn't expect me to give a damn about my life, or be "happy", or any of that. I am like you, in that I know my life is done and I just want to die and be with my husband. It saddens me, because I know that it would hurt my family (even if I die naturally, rather than via suicide), and because it's a shame and a waste of my life, but god or the universe or whatever caused that when it allowed my husband to die.
As you said, life will NEVER get better without my beloved husband. I love my family, and they love me, and I love our pets, and they love me, but it's not enough. I will stay alive for as long as our cat does, as I love him and he needs me to care for him, but after that I just don't know. I feel heartsick ALL THE FUCKING TIME. "Good" things are actually bad, because my husband isn't there to share them with me, and bad things are even worse because he isn't here to comfort me. So NOTHING is good. I don't even know if my wonderful husband's sweet, caring soul still exists, and any god that would allow such a state of unknowing about something SO important (the MOST important) is an evil being, as far as I'm concerned.
I don't understand people who try to "enjoy" or "move on" or whatever. As you said: "How do you "enjoy" anything when you lose your life partner that you would GIVE YOUR LIFE FOR?" Exactly. Life is OVER, period. You expressed it perfectly when you said "I am a dead spirit in a moving body...."
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Bluebird,
I know how you feel about not wanting to be with people. I withdrawl myself too. My neighbors, my family, and my best friend have asked me to come over and be with them so I am not alone, but I want to be alone and at home by myself with my pets. I tried the grief group to see if it brought any level of comfort to talk to other people feeling the same things I am feeling, but it didn't because my love for my husband is deeper than some people's love and I know this because they are in that "self preservation" mode trying to save themselves and I, like you have nothing to preserve now that my sweet husband is not here to share anything. I actually do feel better when I read the posts on here than I did going to the meeting because I am tired of people saying empty words to me of how I have to go on and it will ease. They don't know me.....it will NEVER ease and as I told Jessifox, I am praying for the day I can go into the ground with my husband. Alot of people would say I am "unbalanced" or "a nut" but I don't care, I'm not crazy, I just know that there is nothing on this earth or in this life that matters to me. I want to be with my husband and I HATE that he is somewhere that I cannot be with him and the separation from him is a slow death because my heart and soul literally aches to be with him. I too feel let down by God too that he did not step in for my husband but I keep thinking that if it werent' for God, I would never have had my husband to begin with and I am grateful that I had such a loving and devoted man in my life. Some people never find that kind of love and I know our love was eternal and true and I just want to be with him again hopefully soon.
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Judy,
Exactly. For example, my sister just texted me to ask if I want to come over to their house, have a swim in the pool and then have dinner and watch "Under the Dome" (they record it, then we watch it together). I told her thanks, but no. I prefer to just stay in my apt. all weekend; I prefer to just stay here all the time, actually, but I can't because I have to work. In the past, with my husband, I would have loved to go over for all that, but not now. I am closer with my sister than with anyone else in the world (she and my husband are the two people with whom I am closest, but he isn't here), and I love her and my brother-in-law dearly, and they do understand how this is for me (they are also very close to my husband, and in fact knew him for a couple of years before I did, as they were bandmates), but even so I would rather stay home. This is the shit my life has become.
I haven't tried a grief group, and won't be doing so. I have no desire to speak to other people. It's different here, online -- easier to communicate, because I don't have to see anyone or actually talk. Even online, the people who say they are "moving on" with their lives and all that just get on my nerves. I don't hold any ill will towards them, but they and I are simply not even in the same emotional realm, and never will be, so there's no point to us associating. They still want to do something with their lives, some of them want to meet another spouse/partner, etc., whereas I do not and never will want either of those things, I just want to die as soon as possible (hopefully to be with my husband, if there is an afterlife, but even just cessation altogether would be better than this, if there is no afterlife). As you said: "I want to be with my husband and I HATE that he is somewhere that I cannot be with him and the separation from him is a slow death because my heart and soul literally aches to be with him."
I was already agnostic, had been for many years, when my husband died. I still am, but lean much more towards atheist now, and if a god does exist then I despise it. I used to thank god (even though I didn't know if there was such a being) for bringing me and my husband together, but now I don't think god, if there is one, had anything to do with it or can claim credit for it -- my soul and my husband's soul were and are together because we are soulmates, and that's got nothing to do with god and everything to do with us (me and my husband), as far as I'm concerned.
I hope we are both reunited with our loves very soon.
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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on
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I totally relate to this, " Even online, the people who say they are "moving on" with their lives and all that just get on my nerves. I don't hold any ill will towards them, but they and I are simply not even in the same emotional realm"
For me, there is no moving forward, or anything...it is like we as a family are in a holding pattern of some sort...that there is no return from this...
Even in my dreams I am haunted. I took a brief nap today and in the dream I was telling someone my life was over because my son was dead...this is a recurrent theme...in another dream I remember I was walking down a pleasant sidewalk by an old fashioned restaurant, the kind where there was a drive in attached and people would give their orders ...in that dream I remember throwing myself to the ground and demanding to die...just thrashing about...crazed with emotional pain...
...for me I find no rest, whether in an awake state or not...I am keenly aware of what has occurred...
....my son and I both had strong precognition that something was coming...tonight, on a Saturday, he told me he would not live long. He was gone by the following Wednesday. We lived quiet lives, he was so good and kind, true to his faith, then be ran down by some stupid shit without a fuckin brain in her head who is a meth-head is more than I can bear...
My sister was also killed by someone running her over. The first driver ran. Another driver hit her also ran from the scene. The third car finally stopped...it was not pretty. It took two weeks for police to find the driver of the first car...she came with her attorney trying to wiggle her way out. Never an apology...my parents and I paid for everything. Justice was not there.
Now to face the situation all over again with my beloved son who never hurt anyone...he was a virgin at age 28 because he had not found the right girl for him. Wanted to wait for that special one.
The Whys will never be answered here...
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Bluebird....thank you for the postings...
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Laurie,
A "holding pattern" is a good way to refer to it, to what life has become. Doing nothing but hoping and waiting for death is a horrible life -- actual death would be more kind.
I'm sorry your dreams offer you no respite. Sometimes mine don't either; I have nightmares in which my husband has cheated on my or I have cheated on him, or he has broken up with me or I have broken up with him (none of which ever did or ever would have happened). Those nightmares occurred more often during the first year or so after he died, and I know they happened partly because my subconscious was trying to work out what the hell had happened, where my beloved husband had gone. The nightmares were still horrific.
I remember you telling about the precognition both you and your son had. I don't know why that happens for some people but not for others. I don't know whether or not it serves a purpose. I didn't know your sister was also killed by an idiot in a car; that's awful that it happened twice within your family.
You mentioned that your son was a virgin at age 28 because he was waiting for the right woman for him. I can't tell by your post if that bothers you, that he died before he found her, before he had sex. So I wanted to tell you (I likely mentioned this on this site before) that I never had sex with anyone other than my husband, and I didn't meet him until I was in my early 30s. I am glad that I never shared that closeness and intimacy with anyone else, and if I had not met my husband I would rather have not made love with anyone than had sex with the wrong person/people. It's my guess that your son felt/feels the same way. (I'm not saying casual sex is wrong for everyone, but for those for whom it is wrong, like me, it's just not worth doing.) If there is an afterlife, and/or if reincarnation exists, maybe he will find his beloved in the afterlife, or in another life.
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In answer to your question about my son being a virgin...I am very proud that he chose that as his lifestyle. It was inline with his values and faith. My daughter has also chosen the same path. He felt very much as you describe -- that you wanted that closeness and intimacy only for your beloved.
The precognition is still very much a double-edged sword. Have read about others who have had dreams and people with other "knowings"...my thoughts for me after trying to come to terms with this is that time is more fluid than we know and sometimes horrific events can imprint themselves to be felt in another time/space...all I know is that we "knew"...in some ways it just makes me all the more pissed off...
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Bluebird, you are so right in what you say...all of the things we shared together with that person we no longer have physically with us becomes so painful...I will not eat Mexican or Chinese and especially tomatoes as they were my son's favorites. In September, my son and I had our last final meal out together at a Chinese restuarant...I remember afterwards we we into the store next to it...as Jesse walked away from me with his special gait, my mom "heart" swelled with love for him, ..it was like it carried me for awhile...I was just happy to share those simple moments with him.
Everytime I get near a antique car show it just about blows me apart as it was his favorite pastime...I am not sure how some people seem to get their footing after a significant loss...I do believe some are more tied at the soul level than others, and when that connection is "severed" it is like you are surely bleeding out, bit by bit...
Next week is the pretrial for the woman who ran him over and then the final trial will be in Sept.
Here is a link to my son filming his old car collection (he is holding the camera). He loved to buy and sell parts for these cars and make them run again.
Thanks Bluebird for your honest responses to one really walks in grief...I don't feel so alone for not seeming to make any "progress"...
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Laurie,
I won't eat our favorite flavor of ice cream (which has always been my favorite flavor, long before I met my husband), because he isn't here to eat it with me. The same is true for favorite meals that we had -- I won't cook or eat them anymore, because he isn't here to eat them with me, so there's no point. It's good you have the video your son took of his cars, anyway.
I was so happy to share small moments with my husband, too -- no matter what we were doing, it was fun, because we were together and in love. Now, nothing matters. Like you, I believe that some people are more connected at the soul level than others -- i found it quite apt when you said "...when that connection is severed, it is like you are surely bleeding out, bit by bit."
I know it won't bring your son back, but i hope the trial brings you at least some small measure of peace.
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