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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Val Harden on
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I have filled buckets of tears for my loving husband and I know my husband would wants me to be happy as best I can without him. To love him his to honor his wishes. My grief was hell and wanted to get better for me and for my family,that's why God answered my prays so readily. Our loved one death doesn't excuse ourselves from retreating from life for a long period of time,that is not grieving no more. It's a self imposed hell we created for ourselves. Those who choose to live that way for a very long time doesn't feel the connection with God and the purpose we are suppose to fulfill before we die.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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I believe that you have cried buckets of tears for your husband, and that he wants you to be as happy as you can be.
I have cried buckets of tears for my husband, and if there is an afterlife that he wants me to be as happy as I can be. But he also knows me intimately, and do he knows that I can not be happy without him.
For you, you feel that your husband's death apparently doesn't excuse or allow you to retreat from your life -- fine, so don't. Your path isn't my path, your beliefs are not my beliefs. My husband's death has caused me to retreat from life as far as I can, and I don't give a damn what you or anyone else things about it. I have felt absolutely no connection to any kind of god since the moment my husband died, since if there is a god at all then s/he betrayed my husband and betrayed me by not preventing my husband death. And I absolutely don't give a flying fuck what "purpose" god, if there is one, wants me to fulfill before I die.
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Permalink Reply by MarieSte on
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Bluebird I have added you-you just need to go into your friends page to accept. I will send you a link by private message to Zell's posts on the other site then you can read her articles/poems etc. It's easy to be a member and you don't have to post any thing you can just view or private message or you could comment on her articles.
Kind Regards
Marie
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Bluebird, Zell asked me to give you the following message.Please do me a huge favour: If you are friends with Bluebird, Kim, Laurie and Roger - please tell them that I think of them every day and they are always in my prayers. For real,not just words: I have a prayer list with all my 20 OnlineGrief friends.
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Thank you, MarieSte. I'm not sure what's going on with Zell -- I think I saw on another thread that her shingles were acting up and so she wouldn't be here for a bit?
If so, please tell her I hope she's feeling better soon, and give her my thanks for her prayers.
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Bluebird I can private message you a link to another Grief site Zell is on where you could join the site and send her a message if you wish. But you would need to add me as a friend for me to message you. I will pass on your message to her in a private message via the site.
Kind Regards
Marie
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Marie,
Please do pass my message on to Zell. I don't think I want to join another site, though I'd be happy to add you as a friend on this one, but I can't seem to figure out how to do so....if you request me as a friend, though, I can accept. :)
And thank you.
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