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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by MarieSte on
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black dog you are right there is no fix you cannot put a band aid on the loss of someone you loved so dear. The love that connects you will never die it lives on in your heart. Your fiance's spirit is still with you. He see's the world through your eyes now but it's so hard without his tangible physical presence. Your life still has a physical purpose -your daughter. Take baby steps this is your unique journey. In time you will learn how to carry the pain of his physical loss. You will never get over it but you will somehow get through it by carrying his spirit with you. I write to express my grief both articles and poems. Here is an article I wrote -hope it helps. Bless you. http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/grief-journey-what-pack
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Permalink Reply by Val Harden on
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Hang on black dog! I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved husband 5 months ago and I felt your pain in every aspect you describe in your in comment. There is hope! It does get it better if you want to get better for you and your daughter. For me,I hated how I felt during the first 4 months of my husband passing and I refused to live like that. I had sense of unhappiness and hopelessness everyday for 4 months to the point I wanted to commit suicide or go crazy. You must do everything possible to help yourself that will help in your grieving process. At this point in your grieving process you don't see it will get better because are deep in your grief. If you feel you can't take it,cry out for help. Call your support group,like your family and good friends who will not judge your grief, but to be there to support you and find comfort. Join a group who have lost their loved ones too. Beware also sometimes these groups can make you feel worse. I know but I continued to go because the people in my group understood what I was feeling and also I could express myself how I felt about my emotional pain without judgement.
For me I wanted to get better and not live with hopelessness and being unhappy 24/7. People who have lost their loved ones have different ways of coping. My is,I finally accepted my husband is not coming back and since his death have received many After Death Communications from his spirit. It took me awhile to fully understand my beloved is in spirit and to accept it. I did a lot research on Life after Death.like reading Hello from Heaven,Mediumship,Life after Life,Embraced By Light,Victor Zammit's A Lawyer Presents The Evidence For The After Life,Heavenly Hugs,Adventures in the After Life,I'm still with you,Everlasting Love,watching many youtube videos on the subject and did many google researches too. With all the information I gathered,my conclusion is there is after life. Want I know now,we not human beings but more spirit beings. The spirit beings is exactly who they are on earth and their feelings of love never dies when they cross over to the other side. Our bodies died but the soul lives forever. Once I accepted my beloved husband will not be coming back in physical form and accepted he is in spirit,I have find peace in my heart and mind. Death is a transition to another life and our physical bodies are a holding period for our spirits. Despite the good news my husband is not dead and I will be with him in the after life, I still feel sadness and experience grief for my beloved Husband. I'm aware my darkest days since husband's passing is finally behind me. However, journey is not over me yet and I got a long way to go find who's Val without her John and to find peace and contentment until I leave this earth.
I know for sure my beloved husband your beloved Josh still loves,watching and protecting the both us. Our love is more meaningful than it was on earth and I feel it everyday.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Val,
It doesn't always get better. My husband died 2.5 years ago, and I am still in hell, and I always will be until I can be with him again (if there is an afterlife). It depends on the people involved. I will never "accept" my husband's death -- that is, I know he died, but his death is not something I will incorporate into my life and "move past". His death means the end of my life.
If it has gotten better for you, that's good. I hope life gets better for everyone who wants things to get better for them. But please be aware that it is not like that for everyone.
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Blue bird,it does get better only if you choose to get better. I feel your loss and with all due respect you have chosen your life to be unhappy. to feel hopelessness and live in despair for the rest of your life. Not me and I want peace and contentment in my life Will my life be the same without my beloved husband? Not hardly! But I will learn and grow from the loss of my Husband passing. I will not let my Husband die in vain. I will give something back into this world what I have learned about losing a loved one especially a spouse.
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Giving of yourself to help people in time of need best thing anyone can do to make themselves feel better. I'm a firm believer of that belief.
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Val,
No, that is not the case for everyone. Don't make the mistake of thinking that how it is for you is how it is for everyone else. I acknowledge that for some people, even though they are sad and in pain when their spouse/partner dies, they are able to still want to live their life, do things with their life, have friends, etc. That's not how it is for me, but that doesn't mean that it is for everyone else as it is for me. And it isn't for everyone else as it is for you, either. As for helping others -- if doing so makes you feel better, then by all means do that. I used to want to help others, too. Now, I simply don't care, and have no energy for anything anyway.
I have not "chosen" for my life to be unhappy. I wish beyond all else that my husband were here with me, that we were living our life together as we should have been able to do. But with him dead, I am unhappy -- not because I have "chosen" to be, but because for me it is the only possible response to my soulmate's death.
I understand that it isn't like that for you, and I respect that. Please respect that for me, it is the way I say it is. And I am not the only one.
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Sorry that if I have offended you But we all have control our thoughts and our feelings. I was like you like for 3 months but I chose take another path of healing myself from all this horrible emotional pain I had experience from my husband passing.
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You haven't offended me, you have misunderstood me.
We do not all have control over our feelings, not when it comes to something so horrific. Perhaps you do, and that's fine. I don't. It's very simple -- it is impossible for me to be happy, since my husband has died.
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To wanting to die everyday. Is horrific. I know I felt it. That was so unbearable to me even worst than missing my husband. I will make the best of it in living without my beloved husband until I pass away.
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I agree that wanting to die every day is horrific. To me, though, it is nowhere near as unbearable as the anguish of missing my husband.
I wish you happiness in your life.
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black dog,
I agree that there is no way to cope or fix this, at least for some of us -- definitely for me. I am sorry you are having to deal with the hell of your soulmate's death, too. I don't understand why anyone would ever expect us to be happy; I think only people who are not with their soulmate, the person they truly love and are meant to be with, would ever think that is possible.
Like you, I will never be with anyone else, the very idea is disgusting to me. I am married, to my beloved husband, and that will never change.
You are at least a bit lucky (if that is the right word) that you have your daughter, and that she is his daughter as well. We did not have children, and now I will never have children; just one more thing that has been taken from me. I am not a part of humanity anymore, not a part of this life or this world. I can only hope to die as soon as possible, and hope that after death I will be reunited with my love; failing that, I hope that I cease to exist altogether.
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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on
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I agree Bluebird, for some they can recover from deep loss and for some not.
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