Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on July 2, 2011 at 1:44pm

Kathy and Karen, I am starting to read a book called the Worst Lost. It's too early for me to recommend it but it  had an expression in it that I felt help describe how I was feeling better than I can. It comes from a psychiatric diagnostic book. It says this book does not overstate the case when it calls the death of a child a "catastrophic stressor." It robs the parents of what they love most, isolates partners from each other and deafens them so they cannot hear the cries of their other children. I don't have any other children, but I know people on here do. I just thought those 2 words ' catastrophic stressor" accurately describe what I am feeling. I will read the book and let you know if it "helps" at all. The walls are closing in on me so I am going to leave this empty house now. I don't know where I'm going but I got to go. I will take to you guys later. Thank you so much for being there for me. Sandy

Permalink Reply by Melissa Szuch on July 2, 2011 at 2:10pm

Kathy, I feel your pain I was crying about that this morning that Sarah would never know what being a mother felt like.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 3, 2011 at 12:16pm

Hey Sandra, you weren't kidding about the "catastrophic stressor"!!! that is the perfect description, along with.....BROKEN, that also describes how I feel so well. I have said several times that I feel like me and my son were robbed. My other children feel like I loved my son more but that is NOT the case. I tried to explain to them that, if it had been one of them,  I would be grieving the same way but unfortunately, it was my son, their brother. I never expected to loss any of my children. I dont mean to hurt them and I know that they are sincerely concerned for my mental and physical well-being but having other children, does NOT replace the one you lost. I have told them several times that it hurts me when I am crying or really losing it and they sternly tell me to stop, or if I'm looking at some of his pictures or videos I have of him, my daughter as turned it off or closed the photo album, I just simply want them to give me a hug. It actually makes me angry when they do those things. They tell me that they are all grieving so much for their brother but they hide it from me because they don't want me to get upset. What they are not getting is, I am already upset, so they couldn't possibly make me more upset and if they hide their feelings from me, it makes me feel like they have forgotten about him or have have just moved on and he is only a memory to them now. I know this sounds crazy to my children and I know they do not mean to make me feel this way, they think that they are protecting me. I have this irrational fear that they will forget about him........my children told me that I'm nuts for thinking that, they said that's not possible. I just feel like I am the one suffering the biggest loss because he is my son. Every time they tell me that I need to get professional counseling, I tell them that they are the ones that need counseling so maybe a neutral person could convince them that my behavior is "normal"....whatever that is. They think that I am choosing to deal with the loss of my son like this. One of my daughters does not even like for me to be on this site!!!! She thinks that we all feed off of our pain and keep the grief going........she's NUTS!!!!!!  I tried to explain to her that is nothing like that. She doesnt understand how much it means to have your feelings and thoughts validated and not judged and the best people to do that, are , unfortunately, people in your shoes. It's so true about the strain these losses can put on your relationships, my husband and  I have become estranged since I loss my son. He is not my son's biological father but they have always had a good relationship. He couldn't deal with my grieving, he took it personal. he was beyond supportive during my son's hospitalization and the 6 months later after my son's passing, but I continually blocked him. The thought of him hugging me or worse, kissing me, use to make me angry, I wanted no parts of him, none! There was nothing he could say or do to comfort me. I became angry with him for taking it personal, he said it was like he was watching me kill myself slowly but surely. Now we have a much better relationship but we still live apart, it's better for me that way.

 

Thanks again to all for listening

Permalink Reply by Ammy on July 3, 2011 at 12:41pm

Karen, I only have a minute right now, but I totally understand where you are coming from.  I've read many of your comments and can relate to them. One I read before was about his belongings and it made me feel better about myself because I have not been able to even take the sheets off my sons bed and it will be a year on July 14.  How sad is that?  I regret that right after my son died his sister came here and decided to get rid of all his raggedy clothes and I let her.  Now we both wish it hadn't been done in such haste.  I believe we will always be kind of broken, but we will learn to live with our brokenness because we have no choice.  I'm sorry you're having some conflict with the children.  I hope it gets better.  Have to go for now.  Please take care, Ann

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 3, 2011 at 12:47pm

Thanks Ann, you're right, somehow, we go on.

Permalink Reply by Melissa Szuch on July 5, 2011 at 6:40am

hugs

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 3, 2011 at 12:35pm

Hey Kathy and everyone, Yesterday, I was at my son's memorial site where the accident/murder occurred. I have a picture of him, along with flowers and balloons on a tree at the intersection. Depending on my mood, sometimes I avoid driving that way and other days I am compelled to go there. Anyway, when I was there yesterday to place new balloons, I completely lost it.......like I always do and 2 women, both strangers, pulled their cars over and came to my aid. One lady said she sat in her car for a good 10 minutes watching me before she came over to me. She said she didn't know what to say. They both hugged me and cried with me, they both had children and said that they could not fathom having to bury their child. They said that they could feel my pain and wept with me, they stayed until I was calm enough to drive, they even offered to drive me home or call someone that could. What they did meant soooooo much to me, I can not express how much. My husband has now learned to just let me cry and he always says that he hopes that God will soon make things easy for me.

Thanks for the support

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 4, 2011 at 1:31pm

Oh sweet Kathy, thanks so much. I have to agree with you that you living at least 5 hours away is a good thing. It really depends on my mood, somedays I try to block out that location totally and I will not even drive anywhere close to there and there are days where I am so drawn there because that is the last place my child was breathing on his own.  HUGS TO EVERYONE.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 4, 2011 at 7:14pm

I'll take all the hugs I can get....lol!

Permalink Reply by Melissa Szuch on July 5, 2011 at 6:39am

I am finding that out there is no one that needs to say anything just let me cry. There isnt anyone that can say anything that is going to make me feel better!

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on July 13, 2011 at 3:26pm

I went to the lawyer's office today to make my will. The paralegal told me "Well at least you still have your animals"

Permalink Reply by Lisa Adams on July 14, 2011 at 12:58pm

I thought I had the worst one, but that tops mine.  When I went to order Roxanne's marker, the sales lady grabbed the wrong file. When she realized her mistake, she grinned at me and said "well you know, after awhile they just all start running together."  Really?  And then, when I finished the order she started giving me a sales pitch for a pre-paid funeral plan for myself so that "my children wouldn't have to go through the pain of making decisions like that at a difficult time."  I replied, "Oh my children? You mean the one out there in the cemetary?"  stupid ass!

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