After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate

I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.

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Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 23, 2010 at 8:14pm
Yes, that time works. I have been having problems sleeping too, but mine is all over the map. One week I cannot get to sleep until 2 in the morning and the next it's 5am and I'm up. I too slept so well with Les by my side, we both liked to cuddle, and now...I cannot even sleep in our bed right now. I did at first, but now I sleep on the couch, and I have to have the tv going or be doing something on the computer or cleaning, I cannot sit and read or do nothing...my mind goes right to missing him and I am crying again...of course sometimes I do that even when I am busy.
I also have problems eating. I cooked for Les, and I loved making him happy with stuff I'd make...now I microwave stuff or eat soup because there is no joy in cooking for myself.
I hate being alone, and it hasn't even been three months, so I still feel like a raw nerve. I was reading about sudden loss and a lot of the stuff they said was very real for me. Like worrying that someone else will be taken from me or that I have no control over my life. I don't trust anymore, that the world will go the right way, becasue he's gone and that just isn't right. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is gone. I know how you both feel, I go and come back and expect something to change because this cannot be reality.
I don't know if it's the holidays or what, but I am tired and wound up at the same time. I cannot stop crying, and I want to scream sometimes too.
Augh! Sorry, I hope we can talk Sunday.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 23, 2010 at 8:23pm
Hi Cindy, then so far Sunday at 7p my time it is. I'm looking forward. Cindy I truly feel your pain. It's going to be 16 months for me soon and I'm still in disbelief. Every night I cry myself sick asking why he left me and why God had to take him. There are two books I have, but just haven't been able to get through because my mind wanders, but they are very good books, Good Grief and I'm Grieving
As Fast As I Can. I've skimmed through them both and there's a lot of good info in there, but it still won't change the way we feel and won't stop us from missing them. The holidays just make it worse for missing them. But we are all strong and will get through this. If you Cindy or Renee want to talk before then you can always call me. Other than Thurs I will be home the other day, except for the mornings I work out. I hope you both have a good night. Keep you chins up and just take one day at a time. Even getting through one day is a big step.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 24, 2010 at 9:41pm
Hi Renee, Cindy, I'm having a terrible meltdown at the moment and just can't stop crying. I miss Rob so much I can't stand it. He was my whole world and I just feel like I have this huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. But I wanted to take a minute to wish you both a very Happy Thanksgiving. Lots of Hugs your way.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 25, 2010 at 5:58pm
Oh Renee, I understand. I feel the same way. Tears must be healing or God wouldn't have given them to us. I miss Les so much, and just cannot wrap my brain around his being gone most of the time. I hope your day got better. Happy Thanksgiving.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 25, 2010 at 6:10pm
Hi Cindy, tears are supposed to be healing although it doesn't feel that way. I missed Rob especially today, Thanksgiving was our favorite holiday and he loved cooking and baking with me. Sometimes I wish it was all a bad dream and I would wake up and he'd be here with me, but no such luck. It was a truly hard day but I made it through dinner at my neighbor's mom. It was nice, but it was not our Thanksgiving. I cried like a baby but now my neighbor is here so I don't want to upset her, she lost her husband in March. I hope you and Renee are doing ok. Hope you both had an ok Thanksgiving.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 25, 2010 at 7:11pm
Mine was okay. Got to go with my son to my Mom's and my sister was there with her spouse. It was nice, but I missed Les. He loved food :) I cried when my Mom prayed, and wished I was holding Les' hand.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 25, 2010 at 7:25pm
I know it's hard Cindy, but in between our cries we just have to be strong. We are much stronger than we think. I know our loved ones wouldn't want us to be this way but I know we can't help it, it just happens. We'll always miss them we just have to find a way to move on. They will always be in our hears and mnds. I'm glad you were with family today.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 25, 2010 at 8:38pm
hi ladies. have cried off and on all day today. this morning, this afternoon, evening. i don't like it at all, but i understand what u mean carol, when u say inbetween crying, we need to be strong. i am trying my best. but it's not been good. i wanted to say a special prayer at dinner, and my sister wouldn't let me. in fact she wouldn't even let me say what i was thankful for. my sister-in-law, said to buck up and be strong. why won't these people let me cry and get over it so i can go from there. why won't they let me say what's on my mind. is there something wrong with that. i guess i don't understand. i do know that i'm getting pretty tired of it and i'm going to have to explode and get mad. i don't want to do that, cause then i'm afraid i'll say something i don't mean and i'll regret later. if either one of u have any advise for me, please let me know. other than all the tears and bad feelings, thanksgiving wasn't so bad. i guess it could have been worse. i hope u both have a good evening and sleep well!!! love to u both
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 25, 2010 at 8:58pm
Hi Renee, sorry you had such a hard day with your family. They are being cruel. Maybe you should get them those two grief books i mentioned a while ago. You should just tell them that until they lose someone they loved, they need to get over it themselves. I think people are like that because they can't handle our feelings so they want to wash it under the carpet. You just cry and say what you feel like saying and don't let anyone tell you different. I'm think I can cry and say how I'm feeling to my friends and family. You should get those two books, highlight the parts that the books tells you it's normal what you are feeling and pass them out to everyone who makes you feel bad. Those two books say it all. Well, I hope you have a good nights sleep Renee. love to you too. Keep your chin up.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 26, 2010 at 8:40am
There is a book called I wasn't ready to say goodbye too. Also type in sudden loss and grief on google and some good articles come up.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 26, 2010 at 7:40pm
I put a video my friend mafe in the video section. It's called the life and love of Les
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 26, 2010 at 7:50pm
Hi Cindy, that was beautiful. Thanks for sharing. I hope today was a good day for me. For me it was a hard one. I was cyring all the way home from working out and then I get home and my cousin called, my uncle passed away this morning. So I just sort of lost it. My husband, 2 uncles and an aunt passing away in less than 1 1/2 years. It was just too much for me. My neighbor came over and we've been crying with each other and watching tv. I'm so lucky to have found her. I hope you have a good night.

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