After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate

I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.

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Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 22, 2010 at 3:51pm
Hello. It's been a day of ups and downs for me. Actually, a couple days like that. Got good news and bad, and then good again :) Am feeling wounded tonight, if you can understand that feeling. Getting used to life without Les is stressful and scary most of the time. I feel he is watching out for me and for his sons and mine. I just miss talking to him so much. I talk out loud when I am in the car or at home alone sometimes. I guess I miss hearing him talk to me. I miss his blue eyes and his sexy smile. There is just so much to miss. My life feels hollow without him. everything I do seems to lack purpose, because I did things for him or because of him, and now my motivation is missing. I do somethings for my son and for Les' sons and grandkids, but a huge part of my day is spent alone. I realized, other than my Mom, no one calls me. My phone only rings when it's someone who doesn't know Les is gone or when the library calls, maybe once in a while when someone from work calls with a question. It's lonley. I am so thankful I have you ladies to talk to, to share with, you are my saving grace, my angels on earth. Thank you.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 22, 2010 at 4:00pm
oh cindy, i feel the same about u and carol. i have ups and downs the last few days too. must be the holidays. i guess we are going to fee this way for the rest of the year. i miss dennis smile and hearing his voice too. no one stops over anymore or calls much. guess that's just the way it has to be. it sucks, but i guess it's life. i can't believe it has been 5 mos now and i'm still able to live with out him. i don't like but i don't have a choice in it either. carol haven't heard from u. are u doing ok? did u have a good time with your friend yesterday? i hope. cindy, keep your head and stay strong. i know we can do this. that's what our loved one would want! i'm trying. love to u both and sending lots of hugs too.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 22, 2010 at 4:13pm
Hi Renee, I've been sort of messed up this weekend. I did go to see the play AIDA yesterday and ate dinner a deli we like. But when I got home and was alone, I cried for the rest of the night. It was a play I had seen with Rob and the deli was a place we loved to eat. It's just so hard. And believe me, i'm not trying to make it harder on you guys, but it's 15 months for me and I'm still struggling. My 2 pie crusts today for my pumpkin pies. Make dinner rolls tonight and then will freeze them. Tomorrow I'm making 2 pumpkin rolls and a cranberry jello salad. Wednesday I will make the filling for my pumpkin pies. Even though it's killing me to bake all this, Rob would have wanted me to, and I'm going to neighbor's mom and she hasn't been feeling too well and I thought I'd help out a bit. I am truly nervous about going because Thanksgiving was our favorite holiday. We got up early in the morning and we always cooked together. He even loved patting out my pumpkin pie crust. I can't wait till it's over. I hope you guys can get through Thanksgiving day too. The same goes for you too Renee, I'm home all night so if you want to talk just call me. I hope you have a good night. Lots of hugs to you both too.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 22, 2010 at 4:05pm
Hi Cindy, I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. My day is sort of the same as yours, as are all your feelings. I cried all the way home from working out this morning because I knew when I got home, Rob would not be there sitting on the couch with my two yorkies waiting for me. It seems every time I go out and come back, the way I always cry for the same reason. I miss talking to Rob too, I miss holding his hand, I know this sounds silly, but I used to kiss his eyelids. I miss so many things and sucks because we can't get those moments back either. What was the bad news you got and what was the good news? If you feel like talking I'm home tonight you can call me anytime. I know how it feels when you have no one you can really talk to. Rob was my whole life too and even if I do something that's fun, my heart is just not in it anymore. I thank God I have my two yorkies, they are my saving grace. I'm so glad you feel you can talk to us. Once again, Cindy, if you feel like talking you can call me tonight. If not, I hope you have a better evening. Take care.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 22, 2010 at 5:49pm
carol, like i told cindy, i think we all 3 feeling crappy is because of the holiday coming up. i don't know what else it would be. i miss dennis so much, and would do almost anything if i could just talk to him and have him talk to me. i miss his laugh, his jokes, his "i love u's" . i hope it gets better for all of us. i am thinking about the 2 of you and hoping for a change u have nice evening. sleep well, ladies cause u deserve it!! love ya
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 23, 2010 at 9:18am
I was at work for two days, sorry I didn't call. It's been a roller coaster, but I think you are right, it's the holidays. I over-reacted to news my son told me, that was the bad news. But it got better and he will be with me sometime this week. I am going to my Mom's for Thanksgiving. I'm sorry we are all in the same boat of feelings. I hate being alone, but at work I am not alone, and I didn't do much better there!
Hope you have good days.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 23, 2010 at 9:27am
Hi Cindy. I'm glad you will get to be with your son and that you will be with your mom for TG. Yes, we are all in the same boat and at least we can comiserate with each other and at times try and make each other feel better. Being home alone is the worst and the hardest to get used. You get used to living alone but you don't get used to being alone without our loved ones. That I think will take a good long time. Hopefully we can all get through this week in one piece. Maybe we can be able to talk on the phone over the weekend. That would be really nice. If that is possible let me know. In the meantime, I hope you both have a good day. Lots of hugs to you both.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 23, 2010 at 9:29am
I could do Sunday evening, but I'll let you know for sure.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 23, 2010 at 9:33am
Ok, let's hope, hehe. Enjoy the day.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 23, 2010 at 3:56pm
i think i'm not liking the holidays, so far. all i do is cry. just little, but often. just don't like the idea of being without dennis. this to will pass i guess, but until it does, i don't like it. i can talk on sunday too. whenever is good for me. do u guys find yourselves getting sleepy earling in the evening. i do, but i don't know why. anyway hope u have had nice day. later
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 23, 2010 at 4:13pm
Hi Renee, trust me the crying is totallhy normal. I'm going through the same thing. This was our favorite holiday and it just kills me that he's not here for it. It's also killing me doing all the baking and dishes I'm making. My heart is truly is not in it. But there's nothing on this earth that we can do to bring them back, so if we have to cry, have at it, get it all out. Me I'm always up too late, Rob got me in that horrible habit and I can't go to sleep early. Plus, I cannot sleep without sleeping pills and that kills me because I used to sleep like a baby with Rob next to me, now unless I take something I'm up all night. Well, let's just get through TG and if we have a few crying moments, that's ok. Is around 7pm my time ok with you on Sunday? And Cindy, if you see this how is the time for you? Let me know. I cried all the way home from working out because I knew Rob would not be there when I got home and that tears me apart but it's something I will just have to accept. I hope you ladies have a good evening. Lots of hugs.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 23, 2010 at 6:31pm
i know carol, it just sucks don't it. but i'm going to be ok and i'm going to miss him terribly. but i'm sure everything will be fine. the time is ok for me!!

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