After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate

I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.

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Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 17, 2010 at 4:50pm
Hi Renee, I'm so sorry you had a bad day. But I told you when you said you couldn't cry, sooner or later it would come out. It doesn't matter that you didn't cry all this time, I think it's a delayed reaction. I wouldn't worry about it, when it comes it comes and go with it. But I'm glad your day ended up a good one. Woo Hoo for your turkey. Have fun at your pampered chef party. if you're in the mood to talk you can always call me after the party, i'm up. Well have fun and if I don't talk to you have a great time tonight. Loads of hugs.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 18, 2010 at 9:41am
Hi Ladies,
The test came out just fine. Thanks for the good thoughts. I am at Mom's till tonight, we are having a small party at my sisters for Mom. I cried a lot yesterday, missing Les and his love and support. Mom was fantastic, and we got through it okay.
Not feeling too bad this morning, have a stupid cold sore--I hate those things.
It's hard not to cry. I was here with Les at my Mom's on September 5th, one week before he died. I still see him in my mind. I miss him so much. Someone said the other day that it may not get easier or better, we will always miss them, we just get used to this new form of life without them by our sides. I think that is true, each day is one new day without Les, and I am not used to being without him yet.
I hope you ladies are doing well. Glad you won a turkey Renee! I'll be on tomorrow night
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 18, 2010 at 9:54am
Hi Cindy, I'm so glad your test came out ok. Good for you. It's so nice that you are able to spend some time with your mom. Cherish the time. Whoever told you that Cindy is right, we're living in a new world now, one without our loved ones and it will take a long time to really get used to it. I hate to say this, but people told me when Rob passed that the second year is the worst because you are no longer numb and you are more aware of the loss. I guess that is what I'm going through now. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting through this ok and other times not so good. That's why I say take one day at time, when you complete a good day, be thankful and know there will be more. Well enjoy the time with your mom. Have a great day.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 18, 2010 at 8:30pm
hi girls, i had another bad day. i cried on the way to minnesota, then i cried at supper at a denny's resturant. the tears came and came. my sister said i need to quit being so negative. i'm trying, but that's all i see right now. i thought she might feel that way, but wasn't totally sure, but now i am. had my tests at the mayo clinic. tomorrow i see the dr. have a headacke from the eeg, so going to go to bed. i hope u both have a good evening, i love u both
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 18, 2010 at 8:40pm
Hi Renee, I'm so sorry you had such a bad day. I had a bad day and having a bad night, but that's all part of the process. I still keep asking myself how can I live my life without Rob here by my side. You need to tell your sister to go read Good Grief and/or I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can, or ANY grief book. You are not being negative, you are GRIEVING and CRYING is all part of the process and their is no time limit to grief. Cyring is part of the healing. Good luck with the doctor tomorrow. I hope your headache gets better. You take care and have a good night. Lots of hugs your way.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 19, 2010 at 5:26pm
Yes, lots of hugs Renee. I had an okay day, which on my current scale is like a good day for most people. I worked, and that gets my mind off myself for a while. I feel selfish sometimes, for not getting better quicker, but everyone I have supporting me tells me not to be in a rush. I cried today watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer LOL! It was a sad moment and it made me cry.
We miss our men so much. It's sad to try to get used to life without them. I still have brief seconds where I am distraced and accidently think of calling Les from work. Then it hits me, and I cry.
I love you two, I would not be this mental healthy without you two to talk with.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 19, 2010 at 5:35pm
Hi Cindy, I'm so glad you had a pretty good day. It's great that you have a job to keep you occupied. All I have is Curves, but I'm so greatful for that. Never feel selfish, it will take as long as you need to heal yourself, everyone takes a different time, shorter or longer to accept a loved ones death. Yes, we miss our men and yes, when we think about life ahead without them, it's painful. I get those moments when I drive home from working out or from the store and then get halfway home and start crying because I realize Rob will not be there waiting with my two yorkies smiling for me when i get home, that is super painful, but it does get easier. Everyone needs support and I'm glad we can be here for each other. Have a good night. Loads of hugs for you.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 19, 2010 at 8:36pm
hi girls!~!!! i am actually doing better today. course i have other things on my mind. but in the end i thought about dennis. it's crazy that it ends up that way. i'm glad we have each other too for support. sometimes i think u girls are all i have. i know that's not true, but just the same, that's how i feel. on a lighter note, i see the dr today and when they done the eeg on my head, they seen no, i repeat no seizure activity. isn't that wonderful. i'm so happy. i have been on a lot of different meds for my seizures, but one has always stayed the same. i have been on pheonbarbitol for 30 yrs, and in 6 mos i will be completly off of it. i'm so excited to have heard that from the dr. dennis would be so happy. and so would of my folks. well enough about me. thanks girls for everything!!!
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 19, 2010 at 8:55pm
Hi Renee, I'm so glad you had a good day. Im so glad you had such good results with the doctor and that you will be off that medicine in 6 mos. See, now you have something good to look forward too. I had an alright day I guess. Did not want to get out of bed today, but got up and went to work out. Then went with my neighbor to get our dogs' nails trimmed. I just spent the rest of the day napping and doing nothing. Had a bit of a crying jag in the shower tonight as usual, but I'm pretty much ok now, just sad. Watching tv and holding my little doggies. That's about it. Any plans for the weekend? I don't, still trying to get some stuff around the apt. just have no real motivation. Oh well, I hope you guys have a good night and please remember, I'm here anytime for chat. Stay well and keep your chins up. :)
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 20, 2010 at 7:39am
Hi Ladies. I have a cold, and am just puttering around or napping today.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 20, 2010 at 10:21am
carol, if the stuff gets done, it will get done, if it don't, there's always tomorrow. i don't have any get up and go either. but i have to do laundry. i work overtime tomorrow morning. cindy, i so know how u feel. i'm still trying to get better. i hope u girls have a wonderful and unperductive (lol) day. i love u both. i hope u both feel better soon.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 20, 2010 at 11:17am
Hi Ladies, my babies got me up so early this morning I took a half a sleeping pill, just work up 12p. But, I'm going to feed them at 1p and go right back into bed, not to sleep I don't think, just watch tv and laze the day away. If anyone feels like talking later, I'll be here. Tomorrow I'm going with two friends to see the play AIDA and then a bite to eat afterwards. That I'm actually looking forward too. I hope both of you feel better. Take care and stay wall.

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