After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate

I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.

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Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 14, 2010 at 8:10pm
u too carol, and anytime is good for me except wed, thurs and fri. maybe this weekend. i sure hope u will sleep will. hugs coming from me to u
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 14, 2010 at 7:50pm
Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St Vincent Millay
This is my status on Facebook.
I'm not sure about this week, I have lots of stuff going on and won't be home much, maybe Friday night?
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 14, 2010 at 8:12pm
sleep well cindy, and i hope i sleep better than last night; almost late for work this am
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 15, 2010 at 7:02pm
Hi Cindy, Renee, I just thought I would check in and see how you two were doing today. My morning started off pretty bad. I woke up and when I looked over to the empty side of the bed I just lost it. Got myself up and dressed and went to work out. Felt better most of the day. Then about an hour ago, I just lost it again. I just miss Rob so bad. I miss all the things we did together. I missed just being silly with him. I wish I could hear his voice, not the recording I have. I'm a little better now, it's just so hard. My aunt called me earlier, my uncle died a week to the day before Rob died, he died July 23 and Rob died July 30. She asked me if they were dead two years, I said no honey, it's only 15 months. She was all confused. I just pray for the day I can really laugh and mean it, enjoy something I'm doing not just going through the motions. My heart is just not in anything I do anymore. Without Rob in my life, my life just seems like I'm existing, not really living anymore. Enough of me. How are you guys doing? How was work? Was your day ok? I hope so. I'm thinking of you both. Send lots of HUGS.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 15, 2010 at 8:18pm
i had a terrible day at work. it was noisey when i got home. i was just in a mad mood i guess. then i went shopping with my sister and she said something not nice, refering to dennis. i sure she wanted to crawl in a hole. but just the same i was mad for a minute. then at another store, i seen a candy bar that was den's favorite and started to cry at the check out. how silly is that. i know things will come up and there's nothing u can do bout it. but in a store for goodness sack. how silly. anyway that's how i'm doing. so now i'm going to bed and start over tomorrow. u take carol. and i hope u and cindy have very good nights.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 15, 2010 at 8:21pm
I'm so sorry you had a bad day too Renee. Things come at us when we least expect it, even a little candy bar. It doesn't take much. I guess we just have to tough it out and just take one day at a time. I know it's truly hard. I hope you have a good night and will have a better day tomorrow. Nighty night.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 16, 2010 at 6:56am
thanks for the encouraging words. i know, one day at a time. i had a good night sleep and i will have a better day, i hope. u have a good day. cindy we haven't heard from u, are u ok. i hope u have a very good day too. hugs to u both!
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 16, 2010 at 8:08am
Hi Renee, I'm glad you had a good night's sleep. And yes, hopefully we will all have a good day. I remember Cindy saying she was going to be busy all week, so maybe that's why. Renee, did you want to talk this week? If so, when would be a good time for you? Let me know. Just sent me an email which you still owe me, hehe. Hope you have a good day too and hugs back to you.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 16, 2010 at 11:53am
Hi Carol, Hi Renee. I'm okay. I have been at work and will be heading down for my test in a little bit. The test is tomorrow, but I am staying at my Mom's tonight. I'll probably be back on on Friday. My Mom's birthday is Thursday, so I'll be staying down there and coming back Thursday night.
I hope you ladies have a good week. Mine is like a roller coaster. I have to have this test done and Les would want me to take care of myself, but he always took me to things like this, and I'm really missing his love and support right now. He was so good about these things. Plus he was a great driver.
I know everyone says one day at a time, but sometimes it is just so hard without him.
Love to both of you.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 16, 2010 at 12:19pm
Hi Cindy. Good luck on the test. It's nice that you will be with your mom. I know exactly what you mean. Rob always came to every doctor appt and every test, surgery whatever. It's hard to go alone when you've had your sweetie with you for support all the time. But you can do, we all can. Just another hump in the road. Have a good week and keep your chin up. You're in my thoughts.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 16, 2010 at 4:39pm
all i can say to that cindy, is, that's no lie!!! i'm with u on that one. i hope u do well on your test!!! have fun at your mom's birthday party. will chat soon, love to u too!!
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 17, 2010 at 4:04pm
carol, i had a bad morning. i got up late, but managed to shower and get to work on time. i got to work, and my brain wouldn't work right. u know one of them days!! then i was talking to my girlfriend and all of sudden i start crying at work, unable to control my emotions. what's up with that?? for about a month or so, i have been doing fine. i haven't felt bad or anything, then all of a sudden i start crying and can't get it together. i don't like those days. oh how i wish dennis was here. my day ended up on a good note. i won a turkey from work. now i'm going to have a pamperd chef party, then go to bed. hope ur evening is good. i hope ur day didn't go like mine.

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