After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate

I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.

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Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 13, 2010 at 9:27pm
Well, it turned out to be a good day. Les' son Jeremy and his daughter (Jeremy's) Alex came out and we did some cleaning downstairs. Jeremy is moving out here, and then I won't be so alone and I'll have help paying the bills too.
Renee, don't feel guilty, not crying is as normal as crying. I know what you mean though, I went two days without crying, and thought maybe there was something wrong. I even feel a little guilt if I think about the future, but I realized that Les wouldn't want me to stay sad forever, and he'd want me to think with some hope. He hated to see me cry.
Carol, yeah, I have taken soo many naps since Les died. I lay aroung and watch dvd's of Glee, and House and Buffy that I get from the library!! It's normal to at least need some down time, after all you feel down right!
Hope you both have good nights and good days tomorrow. Think I'll watch a movie with Chris and head to bed.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 13, 2010 at 9:38pm
Hi Cindy, I'm so glad your day turned out so nice. It's nice that your stepson will be moving closer to you and helping you out. That's just so wonderful. Everything we are feeling is so normal. I also feel guilty if I find myself not crying. Rob also, always said he never wanted to see me suffer like this, he always said he wanted me to move on and be happy. I never wanted to discuss it because I was just in total denial, I neer wanted to think about him dying. My friend Patty just called me, we are riding our bikes for the last time tomorrow and then we'll put them in my storage unit. She also going to treat me for dinner. I didn't want her to do that but she said since I feed her all the time she wanted to treat me. I hope you both have a good night and sleep tight. Happy dreams only.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 14, 2010 at 8:26am
Les' sons have really been fantastic to me. Jeremy is the hard worker, Terry lives out in Vegas, and Jason is really busy with teaching and his girlfreind expecting. Jason is sensitive, and it's hard on him. Jeremy isn't hardened or anything, he feels the loss too, but in his own way. All the boys looked up to their Dad, and my son loved him very much too.
Today I have a bunch of stuff to finish up downstairs., and then it will be ready for Jeremy to move in. I still have plenty to finish/sort through upstairs, but I will do that this winter. I have the test on Wed, plus work and then next week after that is thanksgiving. I'll be alone on the actual holiday, but Chris and I are going to my Mom's that weekend.
Hopefully today will be good too. I didn't sleep well, so low energy with high demand, sometimes that makes me weapy. Hope both your days are good.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 14, 2010 at 10:48am
Hi Cindy, that's just great that you have Les' sons in life. That's so important. We need to only surround ourselve with people who care about us not want to use us. I have two nephews that I was so close with that have nothing to do with me now because I won't give them money. That's great that one of his sons will be living with you. You are truly blessed. I didn't sleep so well either. I'm up now but still pretty tired but had to get up to take some medicine and I can't lie down for 30 minutes. Maybe you can go to a movie or something on Thanksgiving. Do something totally different so it won't upset you being without Les. I just another crying moment, but I'm ok. Looking forward to dinner with my neighbor. I hope you have a good day too.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 14, 2010 at 4:13pm
hi girls. i'm glad jeremy is moving in with u cindy. i bet he will be a big help. i'm so happy that you are having a good weekend. Carol, i hope u are doing good. if u feel like laying around, i say lay around. it a long day at work today, but steady. but that's all i'm going to do this afternoon and evening. i just don't feel like doing anything else. i will tell u girls this though. today marks the 5th month with out my husband. and u know what, i'm doing ok. i haven't cried, i don't feel bad. sure, i'm sad that he's not here with me, and i sure wish he was. but i feel ok. i know this is what dennis would want. he told me that years and years ago. he too hated it when i cried. so, i guess he's up there in heaven helping me through this mess. i truely believe it. and carol, u know what?? it truely helped talking to you the other night. u helped put things in perspective. i think we should do this once a week. anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble. i will go for now and will chat with u later. love to u both
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 14, 2010 at 5:25pm
Hi Renee, I'm glad you are doing ok. Rob hated to see me cry to, but hey, I can't help how I feel. Yes, I'm sure they are watching us and helping us through our sad times. Anniversaries are hard for me. I should stop counting the months, i think it makes me feel worse. I just got back from dinner. My neighbor Patty treated me out to dinner for always feeding her. She's a true gem, I am so lucky. I enjoyed talking to you too very much and yes, we can talk once a week or more whatever you feel you want to do, just let me know when. You have a good evening. And Cindy I hope you evening is going well too. Love to you both too.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 14, 2010 at 5:32pm
i'm glad u have a friend like patty. i think what u say about friend being there for u and not using u is so true. thanks for everything and i hope u have a good evening too!!!
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 14, 2010 at 5:36pm
We are at a vulnerable time out lives and we should only surround ourselves with people who really care about us. Have a good night, but if you need me, i'm here.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 14, 2010 at 6:12pm
Hi Ladies. I understand about anniversaries, I cannot stop myself from counting weeks and months. Maybe when I get to a year it will be better. Les passed away early on a Sunday morning, so both Sundays and Mondays are hard for me. Mondays are because that was my first day alone, without my soul mate, and also because every other weekend Chris goes back to his Dad's. I work overnight at work, and I was at work when Les died, so I have not been able to work an overnight on a Saturday since. It's silly, he's already gone, but it just hurts that I wasn't here with him and makes Saturdays at work especially hard.
Like you Carol, Les and I did nearly everything together. I loved riding around with him and even went in the plow truck at work with him a few times, that is how we spent one of our New Years eve's together :). I miss our togetherness. I miss feeling safe and warm and part of something--a couple.

This is something I wrote, I grieve in words sometimes.
Dear Les,
To my best friend. I love you. Right now I miss you so much it hurts. You were such a handsome and giving man. No one can ever replace you in my heart. I am so thankful that there were no bitter words between us before you left. I am thankful for telling you every day that I loved you, and that you told me every day that you loved me. I remember the ways you showed me you loved me,and I will never forget.

I have my regrets about not getting you help and not being here with you when you died. I cannot stop thinking about all the things we wanted to do, and all the things we'll never get to do again. Being with you, talking with you, made me feel safe and loved. Now I feel lost and scared.

I hope you are looking out for me. I hope you love and forgive me. I love you beyond measure.

.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 14, 2010 at 6:36pm
Oh Cindy, those words could be be writing about Rob. I keep thinking I finally got him back after so many years and then he's gone. I know I should be greatful that we had a second chance it just wasn't long enough. I know it's so hard to lose someone you did everything with. I pray for the day we can all look back and smile and be happy about the good times we had with our loved ones and not have a meltdown at the thought of them. It's good that you are doing the things you are doing. I know it must be hard when your son is not there. But I'm sure things might be better with Les' son there now. I guess we all have to greatful for the time we had with the loves of our lives. Unfortunately we have a big hole in our heart that will probably never be filled but hopefully some day we will able to have a good life again. Sendings lots of hugs.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 14, 2010 at 7:01pm
cindy, those words are beautiful and excatley how i feel. dennis isn't here any more to say i love u honeybear. i will never hear them words again, and it hurts. but i'm trying not to feel bad. i am truely trying to deal with the fact that i'm alone for the very first time in my life. i am so thankful my son is here. even when he isn't here, i know he will be coming home. i am diffently thankful for the time i did have with dennis. i truely truely loved him and always will!!!

Carol, i think it would be funny that someday we can laugh and joke about our husbands and i can't wait for that day. i think that is when we will truely be healed. what do think?
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 14, 2010 at 7:14pm
I agree Renee, I pray that does comes soon. I hate crying every time I think of Rob, or see his picture or pass a place that we loved to go. He deserves nothing but smiles from me but I'm just not there yet. We just have to be strong and know that that day will come some time. I hope you are doing ok. Patty just left and I took a shower and of course started crying as usual in the shower. I just miss being WITH Rob so much. I'll just have to watch something that will make me laugh. We have to touch base with each other to see when the three of us an get on the phone this week. Let me know what evenings or days are good for you and then Cindy can check in. Take care and be strong.

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