After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate

I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.

Views: 1393

▶ Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 12, 2010 at 12:38pm
Hi Cindy, I'm so sorry you are having such a bad day. I know it's a truly tough and unbearable situation to be in. Even though I've past my first holidays it doesn't make the ones coming any easier for me. Thankfully I have a new neighbor who lost her husband in March. We've become great friends. She was afraid my nephews would call me after all this time just to come eat at my house for Thanksgiving so she TOLD me I was having dinner with her, her mom and stepdad. How could I say no. My heart is not really in it but I know that if I feel like crying I don't have to hold back. Yes, you do have to be strong. Do you have any of your family there to support you or spend the holidays with? I'm home now from working out if you feel like you want to talk? Yes it's so unfair, I always feel like I'm deprived of Rob and myh future with him. All these thoughts are normal although they don't feel that way now. I hope you have a better afteroon. Please don't hesitate to call me if you need a shoulder. Take care.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 12, 2010 at 1:53pm
oh, honey. i understand truely i do!!! i just want dennis back too. unfortually God had another plan for Les, Rob, and dennis. i wish i could tell u it will get better. cause it won't. however it will get easier. Do u talk to les? i talk to dennis all the time. that really does seem to help. i also go to the cemetary alot. to me it's very healing. but that for me. try and find something that is healing for u. and if u want to cry, then cry. Carol, says that's the only way to get past the griveing stuff. i agree with her. u can call me any time if u need to, i will leave my number in a message to u!! i will be thinking of u and praying that u will be okay. lots of hugs, honey.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 13, 2010 at 9:42am
Thanks Renee. I am feeling better today. At first it was this desperate feeling when I cried, right after the funeral was over, now it's just crying, because I miss him so much. I have my son this weekend, and that helps a lot. We are going to clean, and then go out for a while. Hope you have a good weekend, you too Carol.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 13, 2010 at 11:12am
Hi Cindy, glad you are doing better. I wish I could say the same for me. When my friend Patty left last night I cried till the itme I went to bed. I woke up crying this morning and haven't been able to stop. I miss Rob so much. I miss his smile, his laugh, I miss trying to make him laugh and acting silly, i miss holding his hands and you know the rest. I know I won't be like this all day, but I'm just so messed up today and I don't even know why. My friend called this morning and said if I feel like staying in bed all day I should and not feel bad. But somehow I don't feel right staying in bed, but for now I guess I will. I'm glad your son is with you today. I hope you two will do something fun. I'm just going to eat something before I faint and then go back in to the bedroom and cuddle with my babies and just watch some tv. Enjoy your time with your son.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 13, 2010 at 2:09pm
Yeah, you shouldn't feel guilty for staying in bed. There are days I sleep half the day and watch dvds on the couch. Sometimes I have stuff I really need to get done, but I just have no ambition. I think those in grief should get 'grief pay' and not have to work. I guess it gets me out of the house. I miss Les too. I hope your day goes better.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 13, 2010 at 2:16pm
Hi Cindy, I know I shouldn't but sometimes I just do. I just don't know why I'm so bad today. It's been a while since i've been this messed up. I'm a bit better now though, but still crying on and off. Trying to get rid of all the stuff i dvr'd. My neighbor stopped by with a card, my favorite, coconut m&m's and a huge HUG. Thanks for responding. I hope you have a good day. Take care.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 13, 2010 at 4:07pm
ok, were do i begin. well, cindy, i'm so glad your doing better, keep it. i'm glad your son is with u this weekend. i know that will help. i hope u have a good and a wonderful weekend.

Carol,
honey i'm here for u if u want to talk. i so know what that's like. i almost feel guity because i haven't cried in a while. but i had gone to the dr 2 wks ago and asked for an anti-depressient meds. i will say it has helped a great deal. have u considered trying that? i know some people don't like to take drugs, but i will say, i think sometimes u just have to. i'm with your friend patty, and cindy, if you wanna around all day, by all means do it. Lord knows i've done it. be strong remember u have great friends. lots of hugs to u. i hope u feel better. i will check on u later. u to cindy.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 13, 2010 at 5:43pm
Hi Renee, thanks so much for your thoughts. I'm better now thankfully. I also took an hour nap, only now I like i've been drugged. I do have something the dr. gave me only i have one pill left. I have to email him for another prescription. Even then I really only took it when I had to do something really stressful. I have to admit, I don't have too many days like today, today was strange. But I'm ok, for now. Yes, thankfully i have a great friend in my neighbor. She's real gem. I hope Cindy and you had a pretty ok day. I'm still here for either of you even if I'm half asleep, just kidding. Please don't either one of you hesitate to call me. Take care.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 13, 2010 at 5:46pm
oh, i'm so glad. i was really worried bout u. should i feel guilty because i'm not crying? i don't even feel like crying. is that normal, or is something wrong?
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 13, 2010 at 6:34pm
Thanks Renee. No you shouldn't feel guilty for not crying. Everyone grieves differently. Some cry, some don't. My aunt was complaining about the same thing. I think I told you my uncle died a week to the day before Rob died and she has yet to shed a tear, although her and my uncle did not have a good relationship. I think was just used to having someone around to do things for her and the fact that she was married over 50 years. When she does cry, it's really because she's just not used to be alone and doesn't know how to deal with the daily things, like bills, etc. Don't feel bad, you'll cry when you are ready or feel like crying. It's completely normal. I'm ok now so if you feel like talking you can call me if you want. Also, don't forget to email me all your info.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 13, 2010 at 6:38pm
thanks carol. i already find u to be very wise and smart. thanks for being there for both me and cindy. i hope u feel the same way. have a nice nice and i'll check in u and cindy tomorrow after work!
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 13, 2010 at 6:43pm
No thanks needed. We need to stick together, we are all going through the same thing. And yes, I do feel the same way. I hope your cough is better. You have a nice evening too. A big hug for you.

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

dream moon JO B joined Emma Marie's group
Thumbnail

Funeral Service

To serve people at their need– it's all we do. We strive to set the highest standards for the funeral profession in terms of client service and care for the deceased. We help people through one of the most difficult times in their lives with compassion, respect, openness and care.See More
yesterday
0 Comments
James D. Thornsberry and Natasha are now friends
May 12
James D. Thornsberry posted a photo
Thumbnail

Jim

Life at Online Grief Support
May 12
0 Comments
Jennifer replied to Robin H's discussion Lost my Partner who wasn't my partner in the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"Welcome to the group.  I lost my partner on February 5th this year, so it's still pretty raw for me too.  Reading through your story really touched a chord with me.  Like you, I didn't think I would ever find a group like…"
May 1
Jennifer joined Cathy Richardson's group
Thumbnail

Being the Other Woman/Other Man

This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situationSee More
May 1
39 Comments
Jennifer and William Gardener are now friends
May 1
dream moon JO B commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"i miss mom so mush i do"
Apr 11
Susan E Marshall commented on Susan E Marshall's photo
Thumbnail

My husband

"Thanks, Rosie. (I have memory problems and forgot about this site. I'm just seeing this now. April 6th)"
Apr 6

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service