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A client and dear friend visited me at the salon last week. We're talking and sharing stories of our fathers and what they meant to us.. as I'm walking home from work, I feel this weird sensation. It takes me awhile to figure it out. Finally I realize; that it's happiness. I feel happy. I don't know why. No rhyme or reason. But I feel like I'm flying, it feels so good. Then I realize it's been sooo very long since I felt that. Maybe not since mid January. Has it been that long? Sadly, it went away in a few, but it was strange that the feeling when it finally came, I couldn't figure out what it was.
The intense pain of my daddy being gone, is gone. No more stabbing in the heart... no intense crying every time I think of him. Now it's just sadness. Sometimes light, sometimes intense. But sadly, the sadness is always there now. It never leaves. I have to force myself to get out of bed and go to work. I know once I get there I will be fine. Working is saving me now. But all I want to do is sit and be still. Do nothing. Think nothing. I still find myself reaching for the phone to call him, and that's when it hurts the most. I realize he's gone. I still can't believe he's gone. I so miss my best friend.
A friend of mine said something that made so much sense. That this is now a new life, and I now have to figure out my place in it. so true....
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I know what you mean about this life not being what you wanted or expected; I feel the same. I've had several four-letter conversations with God on that topic. I'm glad to hear that things are easier for you, regardless of why. I'm guessing we'll get to find out if it's shock or not down the road.
Totally agreed; thank God for friends. *hugs*
I agree with you on the weekends. All week long I long for it.. can't wait. Finally get there and for about 2/3 hours I'm ok.. any longer and I'm losing it.. can't stand it.. find myself watching anything funny on tv (will & grace a big fav) to make me laugh, even when I don't feel like it, it always does..
This new life certainly isn't what I wanted... and also never thought would happen. things are easier, but then I also wonder if I'm still in shock.. hate not knowing.. thank god for friends...
I'm glad you got at least a few moments of happiness, Elke. I know for me it's been reassuring when I've had moments like that here and there (none as intense as what you described) that maybe I'll get back to feeling it more often again one of these days. I also know what you mean about the sadness being there most of the time now. I'm in the same boat; work is what's keeping me going and in one piece. At least when I'm there, I don't think about Ariel or her being gone. Weekends, on the other hand, are a LOT harder to deal with. sometimes I don't want to do anything. Sometimes I just want to be....somewhere else, no matter where I am at the time. Sometimes I just want to keep doing stuff to not think at all, but I know if I wear myself out badly again I'll also end up in the E.R. again.....and once per decade is enough of that for me.
And sometimes I just don't know what the Hell I'm feeling. Those times, it's often a mix of things, but not that I can really tease apart. It always feels like there's more there than the feelings I can readily identify. I think those are some of the hardest times. I'm learning how to be sad, but just that jumbled, uncomfortable restless mess is another matter. *sigh*
I like what your friend said. I know that fits how it feels for me. I had one friend tell me that part of what happens in situations like this is that the brain is essentially having to re-wire itself to adjust to the absence of a loved, important, major figure that'd been in our lives for lots of years. It helps me get through those times when I can't figure out what I'm feeling or when things just feel unreal. I just also hope that it's a process that is progressing and hopefully will be done with sooner rather than later. *hugs*
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